One of the things I found after Tim died was how friendship groups shift. While I was so very fortunate that I didn’t lose friends (though I know that some people sadly do), I did find that my people changed. And that included unexpected people reaching out, stepping up. Being the people that I really needed.
 
I’ve newly come across the concept of firefighters and builders. Sometimes these can be the same people, but often they are different, and this has helped me understand.
 
Firefighters are the people who are there immediately. They drop everything and are there in the moment of catastrophe, doing the things that need to be done, holding you together in that raw grief and pain. They may stay longer or they may drift back into the background after the worst of the crisis is over.
 
Builders come into their own as you reconstruct your life. They are there in the dark times, and support you as you start to understand the new normal, survive the grief attacks and even begin to move forward. The builders might be there at the beginning of your grief journey, come along later, or be there throughout.

As a friend pointed out after reading this post - there are also the decorators who tidy us up and make our lives more beautiful. 
 
We need both of them. And we can be both of them as we help people who have been where we are (but remember to look after yourself too).

I will no longer be posting to Twitter/X. This makes me very sad, because I have found some amazing friends and followers there. Please please please do keep in touch on:
Bluesky
Facebook
Threads
Instagram
​