For National Grief Awareness Day

Written by Luciana, who married my second cousin Ben.

Today is National Grief Awareness Day. So I thought I'd share what grief looks like for me, a bit more than a year and a half after Ben's passing.

I read a fantastic book earlier this year, recommended to me by a friend, called The Grieving Brain, by Mary Frances O'Connor. I took away a lot of things from the book, but one of my favorites is O'Connor's distinction between the emotion of grief, which we experience in a given moment and will recur throughout our lives, and the process of grieving, which she defines as restoring a meaningful life. Grieving takes its own path for each of us, but has a beginning, middle, and end. And I feel like I'm at the point where I can at least see the end ahead, even if I haven't reached it.

I feel like I am fully experiencing my life again. I've planned trips focused on celebration or exploration rather than on processing my grief. I've made new friends who never met Ben, but are open to getting to know him through me. I'm feeling creative and tackling house projects again. I read more books by July this year than I did all of last year.

I still feel my loss keenly, but I am not overwhelmed by it. I talk about Ben often, frequently sharing his opinion on things with the people around me (whether they asked for that or not -- For example, at a fancy supermarket in New York with my mom earlier this week, I pointed out all the things Ben would have wanted to try). Many of his sayings have become my sayings (usually with proper attribution). Although I will never be as good as he was at telling his jokes.

I am crying as I write this, but I don't cry as much as I used to. When I do cry, grief is as strong as ever, but I know better now that the moments will pass. I don't wish those moments away. I appreciate the feeling of connection they bring.
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It was such a gift to be loved the way Ben loved me, and to get to love him in return. I will be forever grateful.
If you're wondering how to support someone like me in grief, please just keep telling me your memories of Ben, or being open to me sharing mine. Even if they're simple, like "we went to this place together one time", I value learning new things about him, and I value reminiscing. He's still one of my favorite people, and I'm still in love with him. So if you love him too, let's keep him with us. Thank you for listening.