​Tomorrow is the sixth anniversary of Tim’s sudden and unexpected death. For each milestone date I’ve found the run up to be much harder than the day itself, and I expect this year to be the same. What has changed is the length of the run-up.
 
In the first few years it began on my birthday, which was also our wedding anniversary, in September. It continued through his birthday in December, Christmas, New Year and then to his death in February. Now, I can raise a glass and remember him on those dates, and the run up period doesn’t begin for me until February. In the early days of grief, it surrounds us, and its rawness is part of our every waking moment. Over time, in my experience, grief softens and becomes less raw, and while it remains the same size and stays with us always, our lives grow around it. 

The first feeling I had when Tim died was numbness. His death came out of nowhere, and I went into shock. I felt like I was separate from everything, and was watching myself and the world around me from a great height. This is known as dissociation. I also shut down – I didn’t only not feel grief, I didn’t feel anything at all. Both of these are totally normal responses to trauma, particularly in the early days.
 
Later on, there were times where I worried that I was coping too well. I wasn’t sobbing all the time. I was working and coping. And feeling guilty because I was working and coping. Someone told me about the dual process model, where grieving people switch between modes of coping and grieving. I thought of it as my mind protecting me from grief some of the time.
 
The feeling of numbness can last, and this may leave grievers feeling that they aren’t grieving ‘properly’. It can just be a different way of grieving – not everyone grieves publicly, and all experiences of grief are different. However, if how you are feeling is affecting how you live your life, find someone to talk to – a friend, family member, support group, doctor, counsellor or psychotherapist. 

Valentine’s Day is coming up. As a day focused on romantic love, it’s a tough one for many widows, and like all milestones, the first may be the hardest. Also, like other milestones, the run up to it may be more difficult than the day itself. 
 
What to do on the day
It's getting harder to avoid St Valentine's Day - the ads and trailers on TV, articles in magazines and newspapers, chat on social media sites, the shelves of food and drink in the supermarkets. Some online marketing companies offer the opportunity to opt out from Valentine’s Day messaging (this can also be an opportunity to go through your inbox and junk mail and unsubscribe from all the marketing messages that are cluttering your email and your brain).

While you may not be able to completely get away from it, there are things you can do make it easier. 

• Accept that it might be a day of grief attacks
• Take time out to celebrate your partner and the love you shared
• Buy yourself chocolates and flowers, and get some for friends and family
• Take it as a day to be kind to yourself and focus on some self-care
• Go to the cinema or theatre and watch something totally unromantic
• Host a bring and share meal – there will be other people trying to avoid Valentine's Day just as much as you
• Treat yourself to something you wouldn't normally do – make yourself your favourite meal, get a takeaway, go somewhere nice for the day (ideally away from all of the shops), book a massage

Alternatives to Valentine’s Day

• Black Day – a South Korean holiday where you eat jjajangmyeon (짜장면, noodles with black bean sauce)
• Ystävänpäivä or Friendship Day – a Finnish day to celebrate friendships
• International Quirkyalone Day – a day to celebrate platonic, familial and self-love
• Galentine’s Day (13 February) – a day to celebrate female friends (thanks to the sitcom Parks and Recreation)
• Palentine’s Day (13 February) – a day to celebrate platonic love, that includes male and non-binary friends, and is inclusive to those who are asexual or aromantic
• St Valentine was the patron saint of beekeepers – so have a day focused on planting insect-friendly flowers or learning about bees and beekeeping (ex-beekeeper here)
• Celebrate or Random Acts of Kindness Day (17 February) or Love Your Pet Day (20 February) a few days early

If it helps – Valentine’s Day has a pretty dark origin story (trigger warnings for this one). It also has a major impact on the planet, generating 9 million kilograms of CO2 and all kinds of plastic pollution. And chocolate and roses are often reduced the day after...