The Widow's Handbook: winner of the Helen Bailey Award 2022
  • Home
  • About
  • Personal stories
  • Resources
  • Other widow blogs
  • Home
  • About
  • Personal stories
  • Resources
  • Other widow blogs
Picture

Thoughts on dating as a widow - a guest blog

30/9/2022

1 Comment

 
Picture
A guest blog from Alison Messom
 
1. What you are feeling is entirely normal. There are no rights or wrongs. What feels right to you is right for you.
 
2. The marriage vows talk about until death us do part. Your partner’s death was not your choice but you are now released from your vow, if you choose. Some people make an active choice not to have another partner. That is what is right for them.
 
3. Any new partner will never replace your late partner. They will be different. Some folks refer to them as a chapter 2. Personally I don't like that phrase as my life is defined by so much more than my relationships... but I get the point that it is something new and different.
 
4. We don't move on, our love for our partners continues. However we do move forward. That new journey can be hard, scary, beautiful and rewarding all at the same time.
 
5. Make sure you are comfortable in your own skin before embarking on a new relationship. Put in the time and effort to work on your grief, have counselling if you need it etc. That way you'll be in the best place to enjoy any new relationship.
 
6. Do not use any new partner as a substitute therapist; use a professional for that. Yes they should be empathetic, but they are there to share your life, not to fix you.
 
7. Remember there is an enormous human need for company and that can be platonic too. You may find you build new circles of friends that go with your new life.
 
8. Every day is just 24 hours. Use the best ones to build and bank lovely memories to help you through tough times. The worst days will end even if there are times when they feel never-ending.
 
Finally, you've got this. You deserve happiness. Don't let yourself be judged. Anyone who is judging you is not worth the time and effort. This is your life, make it the best one you can with the cards you've been dealt.
1 Comment

Seven Deadly Sins of Widowhood: Greed part 1 (aka no, I don't want to steal your husband)

21/7/2022

0 Comments

 
Picture
There are odd perceptions of women as widows out there. They are ancient and wizened. They are very humble. They are virtuous and will sacrifice everything. They are master criminals. They are wily husband hunters (at least where the Victorians were concerned).

Clearly, there's not real evidence behind any of these images of widows, but the one that seems to persist is that women who are widowed are out to steal other women's partners. I've never heard of a case of this actually happening. Widows are just out to survive from day to day and they don't want anyone else's partner – they are too busy missing their own. What I have heard of, however, is women who have lost friends because the women in her friendship group are withdrawing to 'protect' their partners from the supposedly wanton widows. That way, the widow loses both female and male friends.
​
Why? I suspect a lack of understanding about grief, and a feeling of insecurity. It's tough enough being a widow, though, without losing friends. 


Thank you to Dave Seed for the permission to include his picture Red Queen
0 Comments

Dating words and terms

15/6/2022

0 Comments

 
Picture
If it's been a while since you've dated, the language change can be daunting. Here's a few definitions that might help you work out what people are taking about - the blog on abbreviations might help too. 
 
Allosexual
someone who is sexually attracted to others (the opposite of asexual)

Aromantic
someone who does not experience the feelings of romantic love

Asexual
someone who is not sexually attracted to people

Bae
significant other

Benching
saving someone for later

Bisexual
attracted to both men and women

Bot
fake account

Breadcrumbing
being offered ‘crumbs’ of a relationship to keep you on the hook

Catch and release
a one night stand

Catfishing
leading someone into thinking they are in a relationship and then scamming them

Cisgender
someone who identifies with their gender assigned at birth

Cuffing
hooking up with someone just for the colder months and festive season

Curve
a rejection that’s subtler than a flat out ‘no’

Cushioning
keeping backups or standbys in case your current relationship doesn’t work

Daterview
a date that feels more like an interview

Deep like
researching someone by going through their social media profiles

Define the relationship (DTR)
deciding whether the relationship is casual or going somewhere

Demisexual
someone who is attracted to personalities once they get to know them rather than an immediate physical attraction

E-Fit
curated social media profiles that act as a dating profile

Emergency call
that set-up call that will get you out of a bad date

Firedooring
someone who doesn’t respond to texts, but randomly makes contact

Fuccboi
a man who only wants sex and runs away from relationships

Fuckbuddy/friend with benefits
a friend for sex without a long term relationship

Gaslighting
having feelings dismissed and belittled

Gay
same-sex attracted

Genderfluid
people outside the gender binary, or whose gender identity varies

Ghosting
cutting off discussions with no explanation or warning

Half-night stand
someone who leaves straight after sex

Hatfishing
bald men wearing hats to hide their lack of hair

Hey and pray
saying hello and hoping for a response

Homosexual
same sex attracted

Incel
involuntary celibate

Jelly
jealous

Kittenfishing
people who lie on their profile to look better than they are

Kray bae
when your significant other goes off the rails

Layby
dating someone while looking for better options in the fast lane

Love bombing
being (excessively) showered with love – it can be a prelude to manipulation and abuse

Meetcute
the sweet backstory of how a couple met

Micro-cheating
Not really cheating, but approaching the border of cheating

Monleying
moving from one relationship straight to the next

Monogamous
someone who sees only one person

Negging
backhanded compliments

Non-date date
a meet up that’s no specified as a date

Non-binary
someone who does not see themselves as male or female

On a thing
dating

One-night stand
someone who leaves the next morning

Open relationship
a committed relationship that allows partners to see other people

Orbiting
when the person who has ghosted you hangs around on your social media

Pansexual
attracted to all genders

Peacocking
dressing up to attract attention

Pie hunting
someone who seeks out and dates vulnerable people

Pocketing or stashing
dating but not being introduced to their friends or family

Polyamorous
someone who has relationships with a number of people

Queer
a reclaimed word for people across the LGBTQ+ spectrum

R-bombed
when someone reads your message but doesn’t reply

Roaching
cheating and then claiming that the relationship wasn’t exclusive

Sapiosexual
someone who is attrcayed to intelligence

Several night stand
A relationship that’s a few nights and nothing more

Sex interview
sex before a real date

Simping
someone who is doing everything they can to get someone’s attention

Situationship/casual relationship
a relationship that’s not serious

Sliding into DMs
flirting through messaging

Slow fade
ghosting, but slowly

Slow texting
slow responses – busy, or not that into you?

Snack/on fleek
pretty damn gorgeous

Submarining, haunting or zombieing
when the person who has ghosted you suddenly reappears as if nothing has happened

Summer fling/freckling
hooking up with someone just for the summer

Swipe right
liking someone on an app

Texlationship
messaging but never quite meeting up

Thirst trap
a social media post about anything that’s actually designed to say ‘look how gorgeous I am’

Thicc
curvy

Tindstagramming
contacting someone on Instagram direct messaging when they don’t match you on Timder

Transgender
someone who identifies as a different gender to that assigned at birth

Uncuffing
shedding the winter relationship for the summer one

V card
virgin

Werk
when it’s been hard working getting a date

Wokefishing
Someone saying how marvellous and woke and liberal they are, but it’s really just an act


0 Comments

Dating abbreviations

15/6/2022

1 Comment

 
Picture

For some widows, starting a new relationship after loss means diving into a whole new world of online dating. The abbreviations can be daunting. Here's a list of some common ones. For a deeper dive into dating abbreviations, go to Cyber Definitions or Dating Sites Reviews.


1-2-1
one to one

4YEO
for your eyes only

AF
as fuck

B
bisexual

BAE
before anything else

BBW
big beautiful woman

BDSM
bondage, domination, sadism and masochism

BF
boyfriend

BI
bisexual

BM&Y
between me and you

BRB
be right back

BRT
be right there

BTW
by the way

C
Christian

CNM
consensual non-monogamy

D
divorced

D&D
drug and disease

DDF
drug- and disease-free

DTE
down to earth

DTF
down to fuck

DTR
define the relationship

ENM
ethical non-monogamy

F
female

F2F
face to face

FBO
Facebook official (relationship status)

FML
fuck my life

FOMO
fear of missing out

FtM
female to male transgender

FTTB
for the time being

FWB
friends with benefits

FYI
for your information

G
gay

GF
girlfriend

GSOH
good sense of humour

HAK
hugs and kisses

HNG
horny net geek

HWP
height weight proportionate

IDK
I don't know

IDKY
I don't know you

IR
interracial

IRL
in real life

ISO
in search of

J
Jewish

JFYI
just for your information

KFY
kiss for you

L
lesbian

LD
light drinker

LDR
long distance relationship

LGBTQ
lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, and queer

LMIRL
let’s meet in real life

LMIRL
let's meet in real life

LS
light smoker

LTR
long-term relationship

M
Male/married

MBA
married but available

MM
marriage-minded

MOTOS
member of the opposite sex

MOTSS
member of the same sex

MSM
man seeking man

MSW
man seeking woman

MtF
male to female transgender

NS
non-smoker

NSA
no strings attached

NSA
no strings attached

PDA
public display of affection

Q
queer or cool

SC
Snapchat

SCNR
sorry could not resist

SD
social drinker

SFLR
sorry for the late reply

SO
significant other

SOH
sense of humour

STR
straight

T
transgender

TLC
tender loving care

VBD
very bad date

VGSOH
very good sense of humour

WAA
will answer all

WLTM
would like to meet

WSM
woman seeking man

WSOH
wicked or weird sense of humour

WSW
woman seeking woman

WYCM
will you call me

WYD
what are you doing?

WYWH
wish you were here

YODO
you only dump once
1 Comment

Dating as a widow: Finding someone new

21/4/2022

0 Comments

 
Picture
Being with someone new, as lovely as he is, as much as he makes me so freaking happy again, in ways that I didn't think possible, has absolutely nothing to do with how much I miss my late partner. How much I wish he was still here! How much I wish myself and my current partner (also a wid) had never ever found ourselves in the position where we join a group for young wids and meet each other.
In my blog post Things not to say to a widow, I talk about things people have said about finding another partner: "You are young. You'll find someone new." "They'd want you to be happy." These to me make it seem like replacing a partner is like replacing a worn-out coat, and that having a new relationship makes everything better. In Nora McInerny's wonderful TED Talk, she talks about what she saw in people's reaction to her new relationship:
"This audible sigh of relief among the people who love me, like 'It's over! She did it. She got a happy ending. We can all go home."
About two and a bit years after Tim died I met someone. It wasn't expected – a friend connected us up over a creative project and we found that we talked often and long into the night. Things were made more complex by all this happening in lockdown, and so by our first 'real' date, a day spent walking around the glorious Yorkshire Sculpture Park, we'd actually been dating virtually for a few months. My ladyspouse and I are getting married. It doesn't take away everything that went before. But it's wonderful.
 
Starting to date as a widow can bring up a whole rush of emotions, and highlight our losses. I had grief attacks and nightmares. I dreamed vividly about Tim. I felt like I was betraying Tim, and I worried about what people would think. I felt very vulnerable and my emotions about my new partner swung around wildly. When we first kissed, it was the first kiss since Tim died, and I felt a spike of guilt. When we first slept together, I had to fight intrusive memories, as the bedroom is where Tim died. That took a lot of grounding.
 
If you start dating, remember to be kind to yourself. Take things steady. Keep safe. But also enjoy. We've already faced the worst and survived and sometimes we need to seize the moment. After all, we know that life is short.
"Our hearts are amazing things – they can expand to fit new people in it – no one questions if a new mother still loves her husband or other children, it is taken for granted that they have enough for the new addition. In the same way in the widowed world being lucky enough to find love again in no way diminishes what we once had – there is room enough in our hearts for the new alongside the old."
0 Comments
    Picture

    Author

    I was widowed at 50 when Tim, who I expected would be my happy-ever-after following a marriage break-up, died suddenly from heart failure linked to his type 2 diabetes. Though we'd known each other since our early 20s, we'd been married less than ten years. ​

    Archives

    May 2025
    April 2025
    February 2025
    October 2024
    September 2024
    August 2024
    July 2024
    June 2024
    May 2024
    April 2024
    March 2024
    February 2024
    January 2024
    December 2023
    November 2023
    October 2023
    September 2023
    August 2023
    July 2023
    June 2023
    May 2023
    April 2023
    March 2023
    February 2023
    December 2022
    November 2022
    October 2022
    September 2022
    August 2022
    July 2022
    June 2022
    May 2022
    April 2022
    March 2022
    February 2022
    January 2022
    December 2021
    November 2021
    October 2021
    September 2021
    February 2019
    February 2018

    Categories

    All
    ADHD
    Anger
    Animals
    Autumn
    Being Happy
    Birthdays
    Bonfire Night
    Brain Fog
    Breaking News
    Celebrating
    Change
    Christmas
    Clearing And Decluttering
    Competition In Grief
    Complicated Grief
    Dating
    Death Abroad
    Depression
    Disenfranchised Grief
    Eating
    Envy
    Exhaustion
    Finances
    Flashbacks
    Food & Cooking
    Forgetting Them
    Friendships
    Funerals
    Grief Attacks
    Grief Hijacking
    Grounding
    Guilt
    Halloween
    Health Anxiety
    Health & Illness
    Helen Bailey
    Holidays
    Hope
    How To Help
    International Widow's Day
    Intrusive Thoughts & Memories
    Jealousy
    LGBTQ+
    Loneliness
    Losing Who I Am
    Making Plans
    Menopause
    Milestones
    Models Of Grief
    Moving Forward
    My Story
    National Grief Awareness Day
    Neurodiversity
    New Normal
    New Year
    Nightmares
    Pain
    Physical Symptoms Of Grief
    Psychological Symptoms Of Grief
    Regret
    Sadmin
    Secondary Losses
    Second Year
    Self Care
    Seven Deadly Sins Of Widowhood
    Sex
    Six Months
    Skin Hunger
    Sleep
    Subsequent And Previous Losses
    Sudden Death
    Survivor Guilt
    The Widow's Almanac
    Things Not To Say To A Widow
    Things You Learn As A Widow
    Timeline
    Valentine's Day
    Wedding Rings
    What If
    Widow Brain
    Widowhood Effect
    Widow Humour
    Widow's Fire
    Widow's Stories
    Winter
    Work
    Writing
    You Are A Widow

    RSS Feed

Proudly powered by Weebly