 A guest blog from Alison Messom
1. What you are feeling is entirely normal. There are no rights or wrongs. What feels right to you is right for you. 2. The marriage vows talk about until death us do part. Your partner’s death was not your choice but you are now released from your vow, if you choose. Some people make an active choice not to have another partner. That is what is right for them. 3. Any new partner will never replace your late partner. They will be different. Some folks refer to them as a chapter 2. Personally I don't like that phrase as my life is defined by so much more than my relationships... but I get the point that it is something new and different. 4. We don't move on, our love for our partners continues. However we do move forward. That new journey can be hard, scary, beautiful and rewarding all at the same time. 5. Make sure you are comfortable in your own skin before embarking on a new relationship. Put in the time and effort to work on your grief, have counselling if you need it etc. That way you'll be in the best place to enjoy any new relationship. 6. Do not use any new partner as a substitute therapist; use a professional for that. Yes they should be empathetic, but they are there to share your life, not to fix you. 7. Remember there is an enormous human need for company and that can be platonic too. You may find you build new circles of friends that go with your new life. 8. Every day is just 24 hours. Use the best ones to build and bank lovely memories to help you through tough times. The worst days will end even if there are times when they feel never-ending. Finally, you've got this. You deserve happiness. Don't let yourself be judged. Anyone who is judging you is not worth the time and effort. This is your life, make it the best one you can with the cards you've been dealt.
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 There are odd perceptions of women as widows out there. They are ancient and wizened. They are very humble. They are virtuous and will sacrifice everything. They are master criminals. They are wily husband hunters (at least where the Victorians were concerned).
Clearly, there's not real evidence behind any of these images of widows, but the one that seems to persist is that women who are widowed are out to steal other women's partners. I've never heard of a case of this actually happening. Widows are just out to survive from day to day and they don't want anyone else's partner – they are too busy missing their own. What I have heard of, however, is women who have lost friends because the women in her friendship group are withdrawing to 'protect' their partners from the supposedly wanton widows. That way, the widow loses both female and male friends. Why? I suspect a lack of understanding about grief, and a feeling of insecurity. It's tough enough being a widow, though, without losing friends. Thank you to Dave Seed for the permission to include his picture Red Queen  If it's been a while since you've dated, the language change can be daunting. Here's a few definitions that might help you work out what people are taking about - the blog on abbreviations might help too.
Allosexual someone who is sexually attracted to others (the opposite of asexual) Aromantic someone who does not experience the feelings of romantic love Asexual someone who is not sexually attracted to people Bae significant other Benching saving someone for later Bisexual attracted to both men and women Bot fake account Breadcrumbing being offered ‘crumbs’ of a relationship to keep you on the hook Catch and release a one night stand Catfishing leading someone into thinking they are in a relationship and then scamming them Cisgender someone who identifies with their gender assigned at birth Cuffing hooking up with someone just for the colder months and festive season Curve a rejection that’s subtler than a flat out ‘no’ Cushioning keeping backups or standbys in case your current relationship doesn’t work Daterview a date that feels more like an interview Deep like researching someone by going through their social media profiles Define the relationship (DTR) deciding whether the relationship is casual or going somewhere Demisexual someone who is attracted to personalities once they get to know them rather than an immediate physical attraction E-Fit curated social media profiles that act as a dating profile Emergency call that set-up call that will get you out of a bad date Firedooring someone who doesn’t respond to texts, but randomly makes contact Fuccboi a man who only wants sex and runs away from relationships Fuckbuddy/friend with benefits a friend for sex without a long term relationship Gaslighting having feelings dismissed and belittled Gay same-sex attracted Genderfluid people outside the gender binary, or whose gender identity varies Ghosting cutting off discussions with no explanation or warning Half-night stand someone who leaves straight after sex Hatfishing bald men wearing hats to hide their lack of hair Hey and pray saying hello and hoping for a response Homosexual same sex attracted Incel involuntary celibate Jelly jealous Kittenfishing people who lie on their profile to look better than they are Kray bae when your significant other goes off the rails Layby dating someone while looking for better options in the fast lane Love bombing being (excessively) showered with love – it can be a prelude to manipulation and abuse Meetcute the sweet backstory of how a couple met Micro-cheating Not really cheating, but approaching the border of cheating Monleying moving from one relationship straight to the next Monogamous someone who sees only one person Negging backhanded compliments Non-date date a meet up that’s no specified as a date Non-binary someone who does not see themselves as male or female On a thing dating One-night stand someone who leaves the next morning Open relationship a committed relationship that allows partners to see other people Orbiting when the person who has ghosted you hangs around on your social media Pansexual attracted to all genders Peacocking dressing up to attract attention Pie hunting someone who seeks out and dates vulnerable people Pocketing or stashing dating but not being introduced to their friends or family Polyamorous someone who has relationships with a number of people Queer a reclaimed word for people across the LGBTQ+ spectrum R-bombed when someone reads your message but doesn’t reply Roaching cheating and then claiming that the relationship wasn’t exclusive Sapiosexual someone who is attrcayed to intelligence Several night stand A relationship that’s a few nights and nothing more Sex interview sex before a real date Simping someone who is doing everything they can to get someone’s attention Situationship/casual relationship a relationship that’s not serious Sliding into DMs flirting through messaging Slow fade ghosting, but slowly Slow texting slow responses – busy, or not that into you? Snack/on fleek pretty damn gorgeous Submarining, haunting or zombieing when the person who has ghosted you suddenly reappears as if nothing has happened Summer fling/freckling hooking up with someone just for the summer Swipe right liking someone on an app Texlationship messaging but never quite meeting up Thirst trap a social media post about anything that’s actually designed to say ‘look how gorgeous I am’ Thicc curvy Tindstagramming contacting someone on Instagram direct messaging when they don’t match you on Timder Transgender someone who identifies as a different gender to that assigned at birth Uncuffing shedding the winter relationship for the summer one V card virgin Werk when it’s been hard working getting a date Wokefishing Someone saying how marvellous and woke and liberal they are, but it’s really just an act  For some widows, starting a new relationship after loss means diving into a whole new world of online dating. The abbreviations can be daunting. Here's a list of some common ones. For a deeper dive into dating abbreviations, go to Cyber Definitions or Dating Sites Reviews. 1-2-1 one to one 4YEO for your eyes only AF as fuck B bisexual BAE before anything else BBW big beautiful woman BDSM bondage, domination, sadism and masochism BF boyfriend BI bisexual BM&Y between me and you BRB be right back BRT be right there BTW by the way C Christian CNM consensual non-monogamy D divorced D&D drug and disease DDF drug- and disease-free DTE down to earth DTF down to fuck DTR define the relationship ENM ethical non-monogamy F female F2F face to face FBO Facebook official (relationship status) FML fuck my life FOMO fear of missing out FtM female to male transgender FTTB for the time being FWB friends with benefits FYI for your information G gay GF girlfriend GSOH good sense of humour HAK hugs and kisses HNG horny net geek HWP height weight proportionate IDK I don't know IDKY I don't know you IR interracial IRL in real life ISO in search of J Jewish JFYI just for your information KFY kiss for you L lesbian LD light drinker LDR long distance relationship LGBTQ lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, and queer LMIRL let’s meet in real life LMIRL let's meet in real life LS light smoker LTR long-term relationship M Male/married MBA married but available MM marriage-minded MOTOS member of the opposite sex MOTSS member of the same sex MSM man seeking man MSW man seeking woman MtF male to female transgender NS non-smoker NSA no strings attached NSA no strings attached PDA public display of affection Q queer or cool SC Snapchat SCNR sorry could not resist SD social drinker SFLR sorry for the late reply SO significant other SOH sense of humour STR straight T transgender TLC tender loving care VBD very bad date VGSOH very good sense of humour WAA will answer all WLTM would like to meet WSM woman seeking man WSOH wicked or weird sense of humour WSW woman seeking woman WYCM will you call me WYD what are you doing? WYWH wish you were here YODO you only dump once  Being with someone new, as lovely as he is, as much as he makes me so freaking happy again, in ways that I didn't think possible, has absolutely nothing to do with how much I miss my late partner. How much I wish he was still here! How much I wish myself and my current partner (also a wid) had never ever found ourselves in the position where we join a group for young wids and meet each other. In my blog post Things not to say to a widow, I talk about things people have said about finding another partner: "You are young. You'll find someone new." "They'd want you to be happy." These to me make it seem like replacing a partner is like replacing a worn-out coat, and that having a new relationship makes everything better. In Nora McInerny's wonderful TED Talk, she talks about what she saw in people's reaction to her new relationship: "This audible sigh of relief among the people who love me, like 'It's over! She did it. She got a happy ending. We can all go home." About two and a bit years after Tim died I met someone. It wasn't expected – a friend connected us up over a creative project and we found that we talked often and long into the night. Things were made more complex by all this happening in lockdown, and so by our first 'real' date, a day spent walking around the glorious Yorkshire Sculpture Park, we'd actually been dating virtually for a few months. My ladyspouse and I are getting married. It doesn't take away everything that went before. But it's wonderful. Starting to date as a widow can bring up a whole rush of emotions, and highlight our losses. I had grief attacks and nightmares. I dreamed vividly about Tim. I felt like I was betraying Tim, and I worried about what people would think. I felt very vulnerable and my emotions about my new partner swung around wildly. When we first kissed, it was the first kiss since Tim died, and I felt a spike of guilt. When we first slept together, I had to fight intrusive memories, as the bedroom is where Tim died. That took a lot of grounding. If you start dating, remember to be kind to yourself. Take things steady. Keep safe. But also enjoy. We've already faced the worst and survived and sometimes we need to seize the moment. After all, we know that life is short. "Our hearts are amazing things – they can expand to fit new people in it – no one questions if a new mother still loves her husband or other children, it is taken for granted that they have enough for the new addition. In the same way in the widowed world being lucky enough to find love again in no way diminishes what we once had – there is room enough in our hearts for the new alongside the old."
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AuthorI was widowed at 50 when Tim, who I expected would be my happy-ever-after following a marriage break-up, died suddenly from heart failure linked to his type 2 diabetes. Though we'd known each other since our early 20s, we'd been married less than ten years. Archives
May 2023
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