There’s no timetable or no ‘normal’ for grief – I believe that grief lasts a lifetime, that it’s different for everyone, that it changes over the days, months and years, and that we grow around it. People who are grieving can describe themselves as feeling ‘stuck’ in grief, where nothing seems to change, and it doesn’t feel like it’s going to get any better. I struggled with this around six months after Tim died, when the numbness wore off and the reality kicked in.
 
There are a number of things that can make the feeling of being stuck more likely:

• A traumatic death – a death that was sudden and unexpected, violent or painful, a death of someone young, or a death by suicide
• The death of someone where you had a complicated relationship
• A death at a difficult time – a loss close to a previous bereavement, a loss during the pandemic, a loss during a particularly stressful or traumatic period, or a loss during a time of physical or mental illness
• A lack of support from friends, family or work

 
What can help
I found that making ‘done’ lists rather than ‘to do’ lists helped when I felt stuck. These were anything I’d achieved, from getting up and cleaning my teeth, to making myself a meal or doing the sadmin. Looking back through these showed me how I was actually moving forward. Keeping a journal or diary can help too.
 
Talking to people who understand is a major help. People who have been bereaved can be a listening ear, tell you whether what you are going through is normal (though there is no real normal in grief), and offer suggestions of what has helped them. Joining a local or national grief organisation will provide you with a support network. However, don’t compare or judge your grief against other people’s. Everyone’s grief journey is different, and there really are no Top Trumps in grief.
 
Take time to grieve. Sometimes you just have to sit out the waves of grief and let them pass. And remember that self-care is a big thing – looking after your mind and body is very important while you are grieving.
 
When feeling stuck sticks around
For a small proportion of people, however, grief does become something more. Prolonged grief disorder, while a controversial diagnosis for some, describes a grief that is persistent, enduring and disabling, or that gets worse.
 
This might mean that even after time has passed:

• Your grief feelings and your longing don’t get any less intense, or may get worse
• Your partner’s death is all you can think about
• You cannot accept the death
• You avoid reminders of their death, or you focus on them to an extreme amount
• You struggle to remember the good times that you had together
• You remain numb or detached, and you feel that your life holds no purpose
• You lose trust in other people
• You can’t enjoy anything that you used to – for example hobbies or activities
• You cannot stop blaming yourself over what happened, even if you couldn’t have changed anything

 
While these are all symptoms of raw grief, there may be a problem if you experience them at an unchanged level over a long period, or if they get worse.
 
If your grief significantly affects your ability to function on a day to day basis for a very long time after your loss, if it makes you isolate yourself from others, or you feel that life is not worth living, find someone to talk to – this might be your GP, a counsellor or a psychotherapist.

Moving into a new year for new widows means moving from 'My partner died this year' to 'My partner died last year'. For those who have been widowed longer, it can feel like their person is moving further into the past.
 
Another unexpected loss.