The Widow's Handbook: winner of the Helen Bailey Award 2022
  • Home
  • About
  • Personal stories
  • Resources
  • Other widow blogs
  • Home
  • About
  • Personal stories
  • Resources
  • Other widow blogs
Picture

The second year of grief

21/10/2022

4 Comments

 
Picture
I was widowed in a February, and the second half of that year was tough, with a run of firsts – my birthday and our wedding anniversary on the same day in mid-September, his birthday in December, Christmas, and then the New Year's Eve party that we'd both been going to since our twenties. After that, January and February felt like a countdown to his death date. I heaved a sigh of relief once I got into March – the firsts were all over. But I hadn't realised that firsts aren't all over in that first year. There are things that come around less frequently, such as weddings, funerals (hopefully), work trips, buying furniture or decorating, and these can bring on the grief attacks.
 
The second year of grieving is very different from the first. In some ways it is easier, and in some it can be a lot harder. The second year was the division between 'Tim died earlier this year', to 'Tim died last year', or 'Tim died just over a year ago'. The second year was the time that it was all real, and I had to accept that this was what my life was now. That that grief would be part of me for the rest of my life. And that I had to find out who I was again.
 
I was achingly lonely, even though I was surrounded by friends. I was often tired, and I still had widow brain, which made concentrating hard. I tried to fill up my time with work and took on too much, which led to a major crash in mood and having to drop a couple of freelance writing projects, which meant in turn I lost a couple of clients. I had flashbacks and nightmares going back to the morning Tim died, and I struggled with thoughts about what was happening to him after death. My depression hit a real low, and I struggled with thoughts of suicide, but wasn't able to access the mental health support I needed despite this.
 
The second year can be where the secondary losses become clear. As widows, we lose our past, our present and our future, and for some people this becomes more concrete in the second year as they lose homes, struggle to pay mortgages, are no longer able stay in their jobs, find their support circles are receding, or find that they have lost contact with friends and family.
 
Some widows I know found that people's expectations changed – they expected them to be 'moving on', and 'getting over it'. People who haven't been widowed don't always understand that there is no timeline to grief, and that, while we might move forward, we don't move on from the people that we have loved and lost.

Some things were easier, however. The pain of his death was a lot less raw. I cried less, and I could function more. I slept better, and started to cook some of the time, rather than live on ready meals and things out of tins. I also found that I could start to plan things to look forward to, provided they weren't too far in the future.
 
One of the things that's important about the second year of grief is that you need to be patient with yourself, and that you are still allowed to ask for help and support.
 
Moving into the third year of grief
The third year was a year of a lot of change. It was the year of the Covid-19 lockdowns, and while I felt the most alone I had ever been, and I lost a lot of work, it created a liminal space that allowed me to grieve and to think about what came next. It also allowed me to make the house into somewhere I wanted to stay. I managed to access psychotherapy and this made an amazing difference as well.
 

4 Comments

Being ill on your own is rubbish

18/10/2022

0 Comments

 
Picture
Posting on the blog has been a bit patchy over the last couple of weeks as I've had a cold. The kind that makes your throat sore and scratchy, your nose both run and block up, and your voice swoop between a squeak and a croak. And it's reminded me how hard it is being ill on your own.

Winter can be hard for people who are widowed. It's dark and cold, and it’s the time when we are most likely to get colds and flu. Getting ill also reminds us that we are alone – there's no-one to bring that cup of tea, check in on us, get us something to eat or pass us some paracetamol. There are a few things we can do, though, to make things not seem so bad.
  • Stock up on:
    • Nice tissues that are kind to your nose
    • Cold and flu medications and painkillers
      • Be aware that many cold and flu preparations like Lemsip contain paracetamol, so watch out that you're not going above the recommended dose if you take an extra painkiller (for example Anadin) that also contains paracetamol
    • Inhalant oils or rubs like Vicks or Olbas Oil
    • Lozenges or honey for a sore throat
    • A hot water bottle
    • Tins of soup (including chicken soup), ready meals and crackers for when you can't face cooking
    • Covid-19 lateral flow tests 
  • Create a 'I'm not well' pamper pack that you can use if you get ill
    • Herbal tea, cosy socks, a favourite book, something lovely for the bath, some nice snacks
  • Think about taking vitamin D – it may help you fight off infection. The NHS recommends that people in the UK should consider taking a daily supplement during the autumn and winter
  • Get your Covid-19 booster and your flu jab
0 Comments

​The Widow's Almanac: Halloween and Bonfire Night

7/10/2022

1 Comment

 
Picture
Trigger warning: Discussions of death, including violent death
 
It's October. The days are getting shorter, the leaves are starting to turn yellow and red and gold. The nights are getting colder and there's a hint of frost in the air. The shops are filling with orange and black. With pumpkins, costumes and masks. And if you live somewhere where people decorate their houses and gardens, there might be skulls and coffins and ghosts all over the place. There'll be children dressed up knocking on the door for sweets. And then, a few days later, Remember remember! The fifth of November, with bonfires and fireworks. Parties, food, drinks, dressing up, playing games. It's just fun, after all.
 
For some widows, though, Halloween and Bonfire Night can be really hard.
 
The imagery of death around Halloween all over shops, people's houses and gardens, and in social media, such as skulls, skeletons, fake tombstones and coffins, can bring back awful memories and trigger flashbacks. The coffins bring back some of the intrusive thoughts that I have fought to deal with over the past four and a half years.
 
For people whose partners have died a violent death, the images of bodies with nooses around their neck, or with bleeding wounds, can be devastating. Halloween depicts graveyards as scary, with bones and reaching arms, not as the safe resting places that we have created for the people we love.
 
The sounds and smells of Bonfire Night can be particularly hard where death by fire or gunshot has left widows with PTSD. These can also be difficult for autistic widows.
 
What to do?
  • Keeping away from the imagery of Halloween can be hard – try to avoid big shops, supermarkets and shopping centres in the run up to the end of October
  • Repeat to yourself that none of the things that you see are real
  • Get some exercise during the day to try to wear yourself out
  • Blackout curtains, blankets over the windows, ear protectors or plugs, white-noise generators and your favourite playlists can limit the sounds and sights of Bonfire Night (but noise-cancelling headphones don't always work)
  • Suggest that local displays use silent fireworks
  • Do something nice for yourself that stimulates the other senses – good food, scented candles, have a warm bath, snuggle up under a weighted blanket.
  • Use grounding techniques to calm yourself if you get stressed or panicky
 
1 Comment
    Picture

    Author

    I was widowed at 50 when Tim, who I expected would be my happy-ever-after following a marriage break-up, died suddenly from heart failure linked to his type 2 diabetes. Though we'd known each other since our early 20s, we'd been married less than ten years. ​

    Archives

    May 2025
    April 2025
    February 2025
    October 2024
    September 2024
    August 2024
    July 2024
    June 2024
    May 2024
    April 2024
    March 2024
    February 2024
    January 2024
    December 2023
    November 2023
    October 2023
    September 2023
    August 2023
    July 2023
    June 2023
    May 2023
    April 2023
    March 2023
    February 2023
    December 2022
    November 2022
    October 2022
    September 2022
    August 2022
    July 2022
    June 2022
    May 2022
    April 2022
    March 2022
    February 2022
    January 2022
    December 2021
    November 2021
    October 2021
    September 2021
    February 2019
    February 2018

    Categories

    All
    ADHD
    Anger
    Animals
    Autumn
    Being Happy
    Birthdays
    Bonfire Night
    Brain Fog
    Breaking News
    Celebrating
    Change
    Christmas
    Clearing And Decluttering
    Competition In Grief
    Complicated Grief
    Dating
    Death Abroad
    Depression
    Disenfranchised Grief
    Eating
    Envy
    Exhaustion
    Finances
    Flashbacks
    Food & Cooking
    Forgetting Them
    Friendships
    Funerals
    Grief Attacks
    Grief Hijacking
    Grounding
    Guilt
    Halloween
    Health Anxiety
    Health & Illness
    Helen Bailey
    Holidays
    Hope
    How To Help
    International Widow's Day
    Intrusive Thoughts & Memories
    Jealousy
    LGBTQ+
    Loneliness
    Losing Who I Am
    Making Plans
    Menopause
    Milestones
    Models Of Grief
    Moving Forward
    My Story
    National Grief Awareness Day
    Neurodiversity
    New Normal
    New Year
    Nightmares
    Pain
    Physical Symptoms Of Grief
    Psychological Symptoms Of Grief
    Regret
    Sadmin
    Secondary Losses
    Second Year
    Self Care
    Seven Deadly Sins Of Widowhood
    Sex
    Six Months
    Skin Hunger
    Sleep
    Subsequent And Previous Losses
    Sudden Death
    Survivor Guilt
    The Widow's Almanac
    Things Not To Say To A Widow
    Things You Learn As A Widow
    Timeline
    Valentine's Day
    Wedding Rings
    What If
    Widow Brain
    Widowhood Effect
    Widow Humour
    Widow's Fire
    Widow's Stories
    Winter
    Work
    Writing
    You Are A Widow

    RSS Feed

Proudly powered by Weebly