Losing your partner is hard and horrible, whether it's sudden or you’ve been living with anticipatory grief for days, months or even years. At a time when you are finding it hardest to function, and your widow brain is leaving you in a fog, you have to deal with all the admin that comes with a death.
 
Sadmin is exhausting and heart-breaking, especially as it's something we never dreamed of having to do. I had the support of my amazing mother-in-law who was grieving Tim's loss too, but in the end, much of it was something I had to do alone. It's also horribly overwhelming. I set myself the target to do at least one thing every day. Sometimes it was only one.
 
Tim's heart stopped unexpectedly but paramedics were in attendance, so I didn't have to arrange a medical certificate or contact a coroner – this was done for me. If the death is unexpected, call 111 for advice. If someone dies in hospital, the hospital will issue the medical certificate. If they die abroad, you will need to register the death in that country. The local British embassy, high commission, or consulate will help.
 
Where to start
In a daze I started by searching the web – it's what I always do when I'm stuck. I found the incredibly useful What to do when someone dies: step by step government website. In the four and a half years since I needed to use it, it's been expanded. There are other government resources on death and bereavement.
 
Registering his death was painful, as it made it finally so real, but the registrar was kind. She advised me to get multiple copies of the death certificate, which was very useful. She also told me about the Tell Us Once service that passes the information on to all government departments.
 
My mother in law, who had also been searching, told me about the bereavement support payment, which helped while I wasn't up to working full time.
 
Banks and building societies need to be informed, as do pension companies and life insurance companies. These should have bereavement helplines designed to make things easier, but some are better than others. The Death Notification Service covers a number of banks and building societies all at once, but doesn't cover all of them. Settld covers financial services, online and social media, household services and utilities, and Life Ledger covers a range of companies, from banks, insurers and pension providers to gas, water, telecoms and social media.
 
Another set of links I found useful were the organisations that notify advertising phone and mail lists, which cut down on a lot of junk mail with his name on it. I do still get the occasional call – when they ask to speak to Tim Dudley I say, "that would be hard as he's been dead since 2018". Sometimes widow humour is the only way to survive. 

• Bereavement Register
• Stop Mail
• Deceased Preference Service
• Telephone Preference Service
• Mailing Preference Service

 
Tim died intestate, and I handed this over to a lawyer. I could have done it myself, but at the time I just couldn't deal with it, along with everything else, and the money seemed a worthwhile thing to pay. For people who have died with a will, the government website has information on applying for probate.
 
Other things that come up under sadmin:

• Returning passports and driving licences
• Updating property records
• Cancelling mobile phone contracts (this one can be tough)
• Transferring utilities (gas, water, electricity, broadband, landlines) into your name
• Contacting their employer
• Talking to the mortgage provider, housing association or council housing office
• Notifying creditors
• Contacting the GP, optician, dentist, and any other healthcare providers
• Stopping magazine subscriptions, charitable donations and memberships

 
Sadmin is made easier with plans in place – however, Tim died suddenly and unexpectedly, so I didn't have any passwords or lists of accounts, and couldn't access his email.
 
The two sides of sadmin
Writer and activist George Monbiot wrote about sadmin in the Guardian, after trying to cancel his late mother's Vodafone mobile phone contract. He got passed around the system, experienced hostility and rudeness, and faced demands from people to speak to his frail and confused father, despite Monbiot having power of attorney. Finally, after three months, Monbiot's sister cancelled the direct debit and wrote to HQ. Monbiot's father then faced a barrage of calls from a debt collection agency (thankfully fielded by his carer). Monbiot tweeted about this, starting a thread of hundreds of posts from people facing similar awfulness. One was still paying for her late daughter's mobile a year after her murder.
 
People I know have had call handlers ask to talk to the account holder, and have brought urns to the phone, or suggested conversations through mediums. Another example of widow humour.
 
I generally had fairly good experiences. There was the threat to take Tim to court for not paying a bill that had gone to his email, and they backed off immediately when I explained.
 
There was one that was tough but that turned out well. Tim had a bank account, a loan, and a business account. Closing the bank accounts wasn't too hard, and I was told verbally that the loan was to be written off, as Tim had no liquid assets. However, the letters continued to arrive. I went round and round, until I finally got to someone who said that it wasn't his department, but that he would put me on hold and do the 'going around' for me. Every now and then he'd pop back on the line to make sure that I was okay. He finally got to the woman in the bereavement department who I'd spoken to before. She confirmed that the loan was written off, that she would make sure that the letters stopped (the letters that helpfully said, 'contact us below' and there was nothing below), and if any more letters arrived I should tear them up or send them to her. I cried with relief, and told her to make sure that her manager and the manager of the man who put me onto her knew about what had happened, and how great they had been.

Warning. Some swearing.
 
As I said in part 1, people have some odd perceptions of widows. There is an idea that widows, especially widows without children, cash in pensions and life insurance and live giddily, splashing the cash and living the life of Riley. Flash car. Foreign holiday.

This idea of all widows being wealthy is far from the truth. In the UK in 2021, over 1.5 million widows lost out on pension income after their partners died, and 59% experienced a sharp drop in income following bereavement. People who are widowed lose their partner's income. Especially if they are not married, they may not get access to their partner's pension or life insurance. Unmarried widows may also lose their home. Bereavement support payments only go to people who are married or civil partnered.

Some of us, after we were widowed, did press the Fuck-It button a few times. A new car (or a car new to us). A holiday. Gorgeous boots.* But being a widow is pretty shitty, and that little fizz of dopamine is sometimes just what we need. But still. I think I speak for pretty much all of us when I say that we would rather live in rags and in a cardboard box with the person we loved than have all the money in the world.
 
 
*Yes. That one was me.

You can get a Funeral Expenses Payment from the government if you get certain benefits. This money can go towards: 

• burial fees for a particular plot
• cremation fees, including the cost of the doctor’s certificate
• travel to arrange or go to the funeral
• the cost of moving the body within the UK, if it’s being moved more than 50 miles
• death certificates or other documents
• other funeral expenses, such as funeral director’s fees, flowers or the coffin

 
The payment can be claimed within 6 months of the funeral. You can claim by phone or post. The money will be deducted from any money that you get from your partner's estate, not including a house or personal things.

You can get Bereavement Support Payments from the government. This is not a means tested payment, and is open to people whose husband, wife or civil partner died in the last 21 months, provided that the late partner paid National Insurance contributions for at least 25 weeks in one tax year, or if they died because of a work-related disease or accident. You will get £2,500 as an initial payment, and £100 a month.

Claiming within 3 months of the death means that you will get the full amount, but you can claim up to 21 months after their death. You can apply online, by phone or by post.

The cost of living is climbing, and that puts a squeeze on all of us. ​Here are some hints and tips that might help a little, and some of them will help the planet too.

People who are widowed don't just lose their partner – they lose their partner's income, and may lose access to their partner's pension and their home. These are part of the secondary losses. Money is the last thing we want to have to worry about while we are grieving.


Benefits and grants
Make sure that you are claiming all the benefits that you are due. The Citizens Advice Bureau can help. For new widows, there are some specific benefits, including the funeral expenses payment and the bereavement support payment. The support payment is currently only due to husbands, wives and civil partners, but this is set to change in 2022.

• See if you are eligible for the Warm Home Discount Scheme
• There are grants available to help pay off emnergy debts

Heating, lighting and hot water

• Set your central heating timer from only when you need it
• Turn the radiators down in rooms that are not used – leave it on a frost protect setting if you have one. If you have a heating system like Hive and individual radiator thermostats you can heat the house in zones. Watch out for rooms getting damp – a bit extra heat now and then will help
• Turn the central heating thermostat down by a degree or two
• Don't block radiators with furniture
• Have blankets or an electric throw on the sofa for chilly evenings – and if you are reading a book, bed can be warmer!
• Hot water bottles are brilliant - just don't use it with an electric blaket, as water and electricity don't mix well)
• Putting a blanket or thin duvet under your bottom sheet can make the bed warmer
• Turn down the hot water temperature on the boiler
• Have a shower rather than a bath, and keep it short
• Wear jumpers, fleeces or hoodies – and wear a vest!
• Turn lights off as you leave a room
• Replace light bulbs with low energy LEDs
• Have draught excluders at doors, and keep doors closed
• Stop heat escaping up the chimney with card, crumpled newspaper or a Chimney Sheep (the benefit of a Chimney Sheep is that it allows enough air to prevent condensation in your room, and is biodegradable)
• Close curtains and blinds at night and in rooms you are not using – thermal ones will keep in extra heat
• Secondary double glazing, for example self-adhesive window film, stops the loss of heat through windows
• Have hot drinks regularly (and put any extra hot water into a flask to keep warm fro your next hot drink, or your hot water bottle) and have at least one hot meal a day to help you to keep warm
• Don't bath or shower every day, have an old-fashioned flannel wash
• Water meters can save money for people living alone
• There are grants and benefits to help with energy bills

Broadband, phone and TV

• Check with your suppliers to make sure that you are on the right deal
• Cancel any app, magazine or digital subscriptions that you don't use
• Consider swapping between different streaming services every few months, so binge on Netflix now, and then swap to Amazon for a while
• Look for cheaper alternatives to any subscriptions – read magazines in the library, switch from Sky to FreeSat, switch music service
• Share streaming services with a friend
• If you own your own mobile phone, go sim-only
• Haggle – sometimes threatening to leave gets your phone or streaming contract costs down

Food shopping

• Make a list and have a budget, and stick to it
• Look out for deals – if you use a particular kind of coffee or laundry liquid, stock up while it's on offer, but don't get caught up and buy more than you need, or buy things you don't need
• What looks like a good deal isn't always - keep an eye on the unit or per 100g cost
• Buy wonky fruit and veg from supermarkets, or buy from market stalls
• Frozen and tinned fruit and veg is just as nutritious as fresh, and can be cheaper and involve less waste
• Try shopping local (if you can) - buying directly from markets, and using local shops can actually save money
• Buy own brands, and consider shifting down from premium own brands to basic/value own brands
• Check different aisles - things like rice may be cheaper in the 'world foods' aisle
• Look at higher and lower shelves - some supermarkets put less-profitable items on top and bottom shelves, with the ones they want you to buy on the moddle shelves
• Shop around
• Avoid convenience stores when you can
• Use a discount supermarket like Lidl or Aldi (but don't get tempted by the middle aisle!)
• Fill your freezer with the food in the reduced section - often stocked up in the evening
• Shop for food online to reduce impulse buys – look out for the cheaper delivery slots
• Don't shop on an empty stomach!
• Join a loyalty scheme - you can be loyal to as many supermarkets as you like!
• Join a food pantry like Wigan's Fur Clemt, a membership scheme where you pay a low membership fee and then can buy a certain amount of food items a week. These aren't food banks, and are open to everyone. The pantry is stocked with surplus food from across the food industry, so reduces waste
• If you are struggling to pay for food, get a referral to a food bank

Cooking

• Reduce food waste:
  • plan meals and buy only what you need
  • cook the right amounts and don't serve bigger portions than necessary 
  • store food correctly, including fruit and veg
  • use apps like OLIO or TooGoodToGo
  • freeze bread if you don't think you are going to use it all – you can toast from frozen
  • if food in the fridge is getting close to the use by date, freeze it – even milk and cheese will freeze (and ignore best before labels)
• Don't throw leftovers away, make them into something else the next day. Soupmakers are brilliant for using up leftovers, and all those slightly bendy carrots in the bottom of the fridge
  • The Waste Not series has a range of recipes with left overs, including banana skins and left over chips
• Cook in bulk in a slow cooker and freeze - if you are a meat eater, this also allows you to use cheaper cuts of meat
• Have a look at Jack Monroe's Cooking on a Bootstrap website - it's full of simple and low-cost recipes

Transport

• Walk or cycle rather than drive if you can
• Look for cheaper rail tickets
• Travel by coach rather than train
• If you don't commute every day, look into flexible season tickets
• Join a car sharing scheme like Liftshare, or rent a car when you need it rather than owning one
• Consider hypermiling - using driving techniques designed to save fuel

Shopping

• Give away and get stuff for free on Freegle or OLIO
• Buy clothes from charity shops
• Mend old clothes instead of buying new ones
• Shop at police auctions
• Join your local library rather than buy books, swap books with people, download books (only use legitimate sights, please), borrow virtually, and support second-hand and independent bookshops
• Get free books on Kindle
• Use discount shops, like B&M or Savers
• Get everything out of packaging – cut the top off hand cream and toothpaste tubes and scrape out all the bits, rinse out detergent and shampoo bottles, poor hot water into Marmite jars and use it as stock
• Use buy and sell sites (or set one up)
• Repair broken things rather than throwing them out – look out for local repair cafes
• If you shop on Amazon, have a look at Amazon Warehouse – these are refurbished items or items that have been returned
• Look at the big-name shops on eBay for refurbished items – and link eBay to Nectar for points that you can turn into vouchers
• Look for cashback sites, or use a cashback credit card and pay it off each month
• Look at subscription options on Amazon for things you buy regularly
• Hunt out deals, vouchers and promo codes

Keeping fit

• Are you using your gym subscription? If not, cancel it, switch to a cheaper one (you might be able to get a discount on membership if you are on benefits) or a pay-as-you-go or no-contract gym, use a free outdoor gym or Green Gym, look for free gym passes and free trials, exercise at home using YouTube videos, do a Couch to 5k, or join Parkrun
• Shower at the gym rather than come home and shower

Budgeting, saving and borrowing

• Have a budget, and if you can, make your seven-day budget stretch to eight days - this gives you a little bit of wiggle room
• If you have savings, see if you can get a better interest rate - look at platforms like Active Savings, Raisin UK or Cash Savings Hub
• Credit unions are financial co-operatives that are owned and controlled by their members, and can offer better interest rates on savings and loans
• See if you can transfer credit card debt to save money
• Check through your bank statement and see if there are any forgotten subscriptions or services that you can cancel

Other

• Switch things off at the wall rather than leaving on standby, and unplug chargers
• Air clothes that have been worn once rather than washing them. Only wash clothes when they really are dirty
• Run the washing machine at a lower temperature, and make sure that it is full
• Only run the dishwasher when it is full
• Dry washing on the line or use a heated dryer rather than turning on the tumble drier
• Cut and dye your own hair
• Sell things you don't need on sites like eBay, Facebook Marketplace and Nextdoor
• Don't be loyal to loyalty card schemes – get what points you can where you can and turn them into vouchers
• Stop smoking or stop/cut down on drinking – it'll be better for your health, too
• If you have more than three prescribed items in three months or 11 in a year, get a prescription prepayment certificate

Other resources
Citizens Advice: If you are struggling with living costs
Martin Lewis' MoneySavingExpert website, including Tips, Tricks and Treats
StepChange, a debt charity
Money Advice Trust