Christmas can be hard for some people. This is written for The Widows' Handbook, but there are a lot of reasons why people don't want to be forced to be jolly at Christmas. ​

​Don't push people who don't want to be part of the Christmas spirit - people who have been bereaved, particularly if they were bereaved during the Festive season, don't always want to be part of the jollities.
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• Don't tell them they are a 'stick in the mud' when they don't want to sign up to Secret Santa.
• Don't call them a killjoy when they don't want to wear a Christmas jumper.
• Don't get at them if they don't want to come to a Christmas party.
• Don't make a fuss if they don't put up any decorations.
• Don't tell them to 'just get on with Christmas'.

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Invite people who struggle with Christmas along to things, and if they say no, accept  the answer. Tell them the offer remains open if they change their minds. Accept that they might say yes, and then change their minds. And then give them peace and space.
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Remember that if you invite grieving people, you are inviting their grief too - it's part of who they are. 

Above everything, be kind.

The darkness of winter is tough, especially for widows living alone. Here are a few hints and tips for making the winter feel more comfortable. ​​

• If you go out, have lamps and radios on timers so there is light and sound when you get in. You can use plug socket timers, or smart light bulbs and sockets linked to your phone.
• Smart heating systems such as Hive mean that you can make sure the heating is on when you get in. Hive can also turn the lights on for you.
• Keep moving – exercise warms you up and can pick up your mood.
• Hot water bottles are old school but comforting.
• Have a lovely snug blanket on the sofa, and buy yourself a cosy dressing gown and pair of pyjamas or onesie. 
• Draughtproof everything you can.
• Candles or bio-ethanol burners make rooms feel cosier.
• Fairy lights aren't just for Christmas - LED ones indoors and solar ones outdoors give an extra glow.
• A fleecy electric over-blanket means you can be snug, even when the rest of the house isn't.
• Stock up on cold and flu remedies just in case, from Vick's to Lemsip (other lemon drinks are available) and from paracetamol to honey and lemon.

Someone once said to me to think of this time of year being when the seeds are in the ground waiting for spring. This helps me feel a bit more positive about the dark mornings.
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Seasonal affective disorder
​Many people get affected by changes in the seasons, but if the winter blues are lasting a long time and really affecting your life, you might have winter seasonal affective disorder (SAD). This is a low mood that gets worse in the winter. According to the NHS, symptoms of SAD (sometimes called winter depression) include:

• a persistent low mood
• a loss of pleasure or interest in normal everyday activities
• irritability
• feelings of despair, guilt and worthlessness
• feeling lethargic (lacking in energy) and sleepy during the day
• sleeping for longer than normal and finding it hard to get up in the morning
• craving carbohydrates and gaining weight.

Our sleep patterns, appetite, mood and activity are linked to levels of light, and for some people the levels of light in the winter just aren't enough. Lower levels of light can also affect our sleep-wake cycles. There a few things that might help:

• Spend as much time in natural daylight as you can
• Take regular exercise, outdoors and in daylight if possible
• Plan ahead – stock up on things, such as ready meals, if you know you won't have the energy to cook
• Create a self-care box, with favourite books or films, things to pamper yourself with, a cosy wrap or blanket
• Rest when you need to
• Try light therapy – change some of your lightbulbs for brighter ones (the higher the lux the brighter the light), get a light box or SAD lamp, or try a sunrise alarm clock

Vitamin D may or may not help SAD, but the NHS recommends that people in the UK should consider taking a daily vitamin D supplement during the autumn and winter.
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If SAD is really affecting your life, talk to your GP. For some people, cognitive behavioural therapy, counselling, psychotherapy or antidepressants can help.

Christmas can be such an emotional time, but it can be even more challenging for widows, because it brings up a lot of memories, happy or sad. As with so many things about being a widow, there is no right or wrong. No rules. Do what you need to do. And do it as one moment, one step, one breath at a time.

Avoid the hype
Christmas is everywhere, and you can cut down your exposure to it by using ad blockers online, unsubscribing from marketing emails, watching DVDs, streaming services or BBC to avoid ads, listening to albums, podcasts, spoken word radio such as Radio 4, Radio 4 Extra or Radio 5 Live or music streaming services to avoid Christmas music on the radio, or recording live TV so you can fast-forward through ads. Shop online (at independent shops if possible) to avoid Christmas fluff, furbelows, jumpers, tinsel and endlessly looping Christmas music. 

Taking the last couple of days off work before Christmas can get you out of all the Christmas talk.

Give yourself permission
Give yourself permission to laugh, cry, go out, stay in, or go to things and leave early. And whatever you plan to do, you are totally allowed to change your mind.

Say no
Don't do anything you don't want to. Fib if you need to, but just say no. You don't have to go to the party, wear the jumper, or get involved in the Secreat Santa if you don't want to. 

Announce your intentions early
The first year I decided to spend Christmas afternoon with friends. The second, I decided to head off to a shepherd's hut in the Lake District. Both years I told my family early, to stop the well-intentioned invitations. I love my family, and I love spending time with them, but I just didn't want to be part of a family Christmas without Tim.

Be aware that things can get overwhelming
If you are part of a big celebration, it can get too much sometimes. Take a breath, try grounding (five things you see, four things you hear, three things you touch, two things you smell, one thing you taste), or find a quiet corner for a moment. 

Prepare people
Let people know that you might have tough moments, and let them know whether you want to be fussed, ignored, hugged or distracted. And if you are spending it alone, you can ask someone to check in on you at some point of the day if that would help.

Have an exit strategy
If I go to a big event, I like to arrive early so that I can find places to hide if I need them, and so that I'm not walking into a full and busy room. Driving or having a taxi booked means that you can leave early if you want to – taxis can always be rescheduled if you find you are having fun. 

Ignore Christmas completely
It's allowed. Buy nice non-Christmas food, stock up on non-Christmas films, binge on box sets. Shut the door on Christmas Eve and ignore the world, and then emerge on Boxing Day. Switching off social media can help you to keep Christmas away too.

Don't give in to pressure from others
Spending Christmas alone, with friends, with strangers, working, volunteering, whatever – if it's what you want to do, then just do it. Don't feel that you have to fit in.

Volunteer
Volunteer if you want to, bit don't do it because you feel you ought to.

Create new memories
Do something totally different. I have amazing memories of the year I went and stayed in a shepherd's hut. I stocked up on goodies, stacked my Kindle full of books, saw a friend for Christmas lunch, but for the rest of the time I looked at the view, pottered around, ate my body weight in chocolate, and slept. You can have a tradition of not having a tradition.

Buy yourself something nice
A big present, a little present – it doesn't matter what it is, but have something special just for you on Christmas Day. You can say it's from you, or from your partner, or from your cat. Whatever you want.

Enjoy it
You are allowed to enjoy whatever it is that you are doing. Don't feel guilty.
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Make plans
It might be a good idea to have some plans made, otherwise you might just drift and feel worse. But don't plan so much that you feel guilty about not doing it all. Stock up on the food you need, decorate the house and tree if you want to, plan to catch up on some hobbies or some reading, go for a walk, pamper yourself with a long bath. Whatever you really fancy that you don't normally have time to do.