I’m not sure that I can remember his voice. I can still remember his face, and his surprisingly deep and rather dirty chuckle. I used to be able to hear his words, but lately, it’s gone. That was an unexpected loss.
 
Remembering their voices is a part of sensory memory, and this is unfortunately a short-lived form of memory. However, we still know their voices and can recognise them when we hear them. I realised this when I plucked up the courage to watch a recording of the last play we were in together – All the Lonely People by Sue Hawkins – and there was his utterly familiar voice. I now know that I can listen to him speak whenever I want in just a few clicks. And while dreaming about him can be heartbreakingly sad or very confusing, I’ve learned to see it as an opportunity to see him again.
 
In this digital age, we have much greater access to recordings – video on smartphones, voice mails and voice texts, even the sound recorded by a smart doorbell. If you have these audio and video files, save them somewhere safe. You may not want to listen to them now, but you might one day in the future.
 
And if you don’t have any audio, hang on to all your other memories. There are things about them that we will never forget.

When we are widowed, everyone is aware of the biggest loss – the loss of our partner. But there are secondary losses as well, and one of these is the loss of role.

​When my mother died, my father never really got over her loss. As well as losing the person he’s known since childhood and he’d been married to for over 60 years, he lost his role as her primary carer, and I believe that this had a huge impact on him. He lost his reason to get up in the morning, his reason to look after himself so that he could look after her. And it broke my heart.
​
I helped Tim in his business as a bookseller. People in the village would said ‘oh, you’re the bookshop, aren’t you,’ and it surprised me how much of a loss that was for me.

Widowhood comes with a lot of different secondary losses, and one of these is the sense of losing who we are. When we are in a relationship, however independent we are, our partner becomes part of who we are and how we see ourselves. We are a wife, a husband, a partner, a girl or boyfriend, a significant other, a spouse – whatever name we use for it, we lose this part of us when we are widowed*.
 
Loss of identity can especially be an issue for people who are widowed early on after a change in a relationship, for example getting married or civil partnered or moving in together, as they haven't had chance to find out who they are in these new situations before having it taken away from them. It may also have a huge impact on people who move a long distance or change countries to be with their partner, as they are a long way from their support networks
 
Some people take a pause from their job or education when they are widowed, or stop working or studying altogether. Some people lose their faith. Some people lose touch with their partner's families, their own families, or their friends. These are all part and parcel of the loss of our identity, and the sense of missing the person we were before our person died.
 
Finding us again
Finding us again may be picking up something we did before. This could be something we did before we got together with our partner – perhaps even something we did as a child or teenager. It could be something we did with our partner before their death. This allows us to reclaim a thing we loved, as well as creating continuing bonds with the person we lost.
 
It could be doing something new. I went back to university to do an MA in Writing for Performance. It did me good to be somewhere where no-on knew me as Tim's wife or widow. I created The Widow's Handbook. I made new friends. I even went axe throwing.
 
 
*Don't forget – you are a widow if you have lost your partner, however long the relationship lasted and whatever the relationship status.
​

Losing a partner is a huge and catastrophic loss, and with it come a whole battery of secondary losses. This includes a loss of confidence and a loss of who we feel we are.
 
Losing confidence in yourself
By taking away the person who was closest to us, bereavement can affect our sense of self, our self-esteem and our view of who we are. It takes our past, our present and our future, and leaves us feeling as if the carpet has been pulled out from under our feet.
 
Losing confidence in your grief
Early on in my grief I lots confidence in my ability to grieve. Was I grieving too much or too little? Later on down the road some days I thought I was getting over him too quickly, and other days I thought I was taking too long to move forward.
 
Losing confidence in your health
When we lose someone that we are close to, it of course leaves us grieving. It can also remind us of our own health and mortality. This can turn into health anxiety, which is worrying too much about whether you are seriously ill or are going to become seriously ill. It can affect your day-to-day life.
 
Losing confidence in the world
The death of our partners, especially when it is sudden and unexpected, can erode our confidence in how the world works. If something that catastrophic can happen without warning, what's to stop all manner of other things happening. This can leave us with a loss of hope, depression and
A feeling that life isn't worth living any more.
 
Dealing with loss of confidence

• Be patient with yourself – grieving takes time. As our grief changes over the weeks, months and years, so our confidence in ourselves and the world can begin to come back
• Talk to people who understand grief – there are groups on the resources page
• Look after yourself by eating as well as you can and doing any exercise that you feel able to do
• Do things that you enjoy, alone or with others – anything from reading a good book on the sofa to joining a walking group, finding a choir, or going wild swimming
• If your lack of confidence or your anxiety affects your every day life, consider grief counselling, cognitive behavioural therapy or psychotherapy

One of the first things I was told about being widowed is that we lose our past, our present and our future. That hadn't even occurred to me. I just thought of what I had lost in the 'now', and the grief and pain that was overwhelming. I then started to find out about the extra losses. I was fortunate in that I had the house, that I could manage on my salary, and that my business was mine, not ours. But some people have to leave the house they shared because they can't afford the rent or mortgage alone, or because they weren't married and it goes to their partner's family.

Some widows lose their jobs because they are not able to return to work through grief, or they worked in their partner's business and are unable to run it alone. These issues may also mean that they have to move away from the area, losing their network of friends and/or family, and their feeling of being part of a community. Bereavement can lead to a loss of faith or belief, and this in turn leads to a loss of a community. Some people lose family, and friends too, because they can't cope with grief, or because of rifts over the cause of death or over money.

Losing the role of caregiver can lead to a loss of purpose and feeling that a role is gone. On the flip side, the lost partner may have been the caregiver, leaving the widow both alone and without practical or emotional support.

Tim had a phenomenal memory, and though we were only together around a decade, we had known each other since our early twenties. So I have lost so many memories, so much shared language and all our shared stories. I also lost our shared future. All those things we planned to do together. I chose not to have children. But for many widows, losing a partner loses the cherished dream of children together.

We lose our emotional supporter, our biggest cheerleader when we lose a partner. But for some widows this is made harder by discovering difficult things after their death, which will be forever unresolved.
​
Dealing with secondary loss is hard, as they often emerge just as we are starting to come to terms with our initial loss and regain our routines. For me, it was a case of going back to my early coping strategies of one breath, one step and one moment at a time, and accepting that I was forever changed by my loss. I also had to understand that these secondary losses were real – just as real as the primary loss. Secondary losses still appear, even four years on. And I catch my breath, and grieve again.

The cost of living is climbing, and that puts a squeeze on all of us. ​Here are some hints and tips that might help a little, and some of them will help the planet too.

People who are widowed don't just lose their partner – they lose their partner's income, and may lose access to their partner's pension and their home. These are part of the secondary losses. Money is the last thing we want to have to worry about while we are grieving.


Benefits and grants
Make sure that you are claiming all the benefits that you are due. The Citizens Advice Bureau can help. For new widows, there are some specific benefits, including the funeral expenses payment and the bereavement support payment. The support payment is currently only due to husbands, wives and civil partners, but this is set to change in 2022.

• See if you are eligible for the Warm Home Discount Scheme
• There are grants available to help pay off emnergy debts

Heating, lighting and hot water

• Set your central heating timer from only when you need it
• Turn the radiators down in rooms that are not used – leave it on a frost protect setting if you have one. If you have a heating system like Hive and individual radiator thermostats you can heat the house in zones. Watch out for rooms getting damp – a bit extra heat now and then will help
• Turn the central heating thermostat down by a degree or two
• Don't block radiators with furniture
• Have blankets or an electric throw on the sofa for chilly evenings – and if you are reading a book, bed can be warmer!
• Hot water bottles are brilliant - just don't use it with an electric blaket, as water and electricity don't mix well)
• Putting a blanket or thin duvet under your bottom sheet can make the bed warmer
• Turn down the hot water temperature on the boiler
• Have a shower rather than a bath, and keep it short
• Wear jumpers, fleeces or hoodies – and wear a vest!
• Turn lights off as you leave a room
• Replace light bulbs with low energy LEDs
• Have draught excluders at doors, and keep doors closed
• Stop heat escaping up the chimney with card, crumpled newspaper or a Chimney Sheep (the benefit of a Chimney Sheep is that it allows enough air to prevent condensation in your room, and is biodegradable)
• Close curtains and blinds at night and in rooms you are not using – thermal ones will keep in extra heat
• Secondary double glazing, for example self-adhesive window film, stops the loss of heat through windows
• Have hot drinks regularly (and put any extra hot water into a flask to keep warm fro your next hot drink, or your hot water bottle) and have at least one hot meal a day to help you to keep warm
• Don't bath or shower every day, have an old-fashioned flannel wash
• Water meters can save money for people living alone
• There are grants and benefits to help with energy bills

Broadband, phone and TV

• Check with your suppliers to make sure that you are on the right deal
• Cancel any app, magazine or digital subscriptions that you don't use
• Consider swapping between different streaming services every few months, so binge on Netflix now, and then swap to Amazon for a while
• Look for cheaper alternatives to any subscriptions – read magazines in the library, switch from Sky to FreeSat, switch music service
• Share streaming services with a friend
• If you own your own mobile phone, go sim-only
• Haggle – sometimes threatening to leave gets your phone or streaming contract costs down

Food shopping

• Make a list and have a budget, and stick to it
• Look out for deals – if you use a particular kind of coffee or laundry liquid, stock up while it's on offer, but don't get caught up and buy more than you need, or buy things you don't need
• What looks like a good deal isn't always - keep an eye on the unit or per 100g cost
• Buy wonky fruit and veg from supermarkets, or buy from market stalls
• Frozen and tinned fruit and veg is just as nutritious as fresh, and can be cheaper and involve less waste
• Try shopping local (if you can) - buying directly from markets, and using local shops can actually save money
• Buy own brands, and consider shifting down from premium own brands to basic/value own brands
• Check different aisles - things like rice may be cheaper in the 'world foods' aisle
• Look at higher and lower shelves - some supermarkets put less-profitable items on top and bottom shelves, with the ones they want you to buy on the moddle shelves
• Shop around
• Avoid convenience stores when you can
• Use a discount supermarket like Lidl or Aldi (but don't get tempted by the middle aisle!)
• Fill your freezer with the food in the reduced section - often stocked up in the evening
• Shop for food online to reduce impulse buys – look out for the cheaper delivery slots
• Don't shop on an empty stomach!
• Join a loyalty scheme - you can be loyal to as many supermarkets as you like!
• Join a food pantry like Wigan's Fur Clemt, a membership scheme where you pay a low membership fee and then can buy a certain amount of food items a week. These aren't food banks, and are open to everyone. The pantry is stocked with surplus food from across the food industry, so reduces waste
• If you are struggling to pay for food, get a referral to a food bank

Cooking

• Reduce food waste:
  • plan meals and buy only what you need
  • cook the right amounts and don't serve bigger portions than necessary 
  • store food correctly, including fruit and veg
  • use apps like OLIO or TooGoodToGo
  • freeze bread if you don't think you are going to use it all – you can toast from frozen
  • if food in the fridge is getting close to the use by date, freeze it – even milk and cheese will freeze (and ignore best before labels)
• Don't throw leftovers away, make them into something else the next day. Soupmakers are brilliant for using up leftovers, and all those slightly bendy carrots in the bottom of the fridge
  • The Waste Not series has a range of recipes with left overs, including banana skins and left over chips
• Cook in bulk in a slow cooker and freeze - if you are a meat eater, this also allows you to use cheaper cuts of meat
• Have a look at Jack Monroe's Cooking on a Bootstrap website - it's full of simple and low-cost recipes

Transport

• Walk or cycle rather than drive if you can
• Look for cheaper rail tickets
• Travel by coach rather than train
• If you don't commute every day, look into flexible season tickets
• Join a car sharing scheme like Liftshare, or rent a car when you need it rather than owning one
• Consider hypermiling - using driving techniques designed to save fuel

Shopping

• Give away and get stuff for free on Freegle or OLIO
• Buy clothes from charity shops
• Mend old clothes instead of buying new ones
• Shop at police auctions
• Join your local library rather than buy books, swap books with people, download books (only use legitimate sights, please), borrow virtually, and support second-hand and independent bookshops
• Get free books on Kindle
• Use discount shops, like B&M or Savers
• Get everything out of packaging – cut the top off hand cream and toothpaste tubes and scrape out all the bits, rinse out detergent and shampoo bottles, poor hot water into Marmite jars and use it as stock
• Use buy and sell sites (or set one up)
• Repair broken things rather than throwing them out – look out for local repair cafes
• If you shop on Amazon, have a look at Amazon Warehouse – these are refurbished items or items that have been returned
• Look at the big-name shops on eBay for refurbished items – and link eBay to Nectar for points that you can turn into vouchers
• Look for cashback sites, or use a cashback credit card and pay it off each month
• Look at subscription options on Amazon for things you buy regularly
• Hunt out deals, vouchers and promo codes

Keeping fit

• Are you using your gym subscription? If not, cancel it, switch to a cheaper one (you might be able to get a discount on membership if you are on benefits) or a pay-as-you-go or no-contract gym, use a free outdoor gym or Green Gym, look for free gym passes and free trials, exercise at home using YouTube videos, do a Couch to 5k, or join Parkrun
• Shower at the gym rather than come home and shower

Budgeting, saving and borrowing

• Have a budget, and if you can, make your seven-day budget stretch to eight days - this gives you a little bit of wiggle room
• If you have savings, see if you can get a better interest rate - look at platforms like Active Savings, Raisin UK or Cash Savings Hub
• Credit unions are financial co-operatives that are owned and controlled by their members, and can offer better interest rates on savings and loans
• See if you can transfer credit card debt to save money
• Check through your bank statement and see if there are any forgotten subscriptions or services that you can cancel

Other

• Switch things off at the wall rather than leaving on standby, and unplug chargers
• Air clothes that have been worn once rather than washing them. Only wash clothes when they really are dirty
• Run the washing machine at a lower temperature, and make sure that it is full
• Only run the dishwasher when it is full
• Dry washing on the line or use a heated dryer rather than turning on the tumble drier
• Cut and dye your own hair
• Sell things you don't need on sites like eBay, Facebook Marketplace and Nextdoor
• Don't be loyal to loyalty card schemes – get what points you can where you can and turn them into vouchers
• Stop smoking or stop/cut down on drinking – it'll be better for your health, too
• If you have more than three prescribed items in three months or 11 in a year, get a prescription prepayment certificate

Other resources
Citizens Advice: If you are struggling with living costs
Martin Lewis' MoneySavingExpert website, including Tips, Tricks and Treats
StepChange, a debt charity
Money Advice Trust