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Going back to work

13/5/2022

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​Going back to work after losing someone, whether it's on-site or working from home, is a really tough thing to have to do. You may need to go back to work because you need the money, or it may be to provide structure, company and support.
 
As a freelancer I didn't have a lot of choice about going back to work. I also found that doing a job I loved meant that I got up in the morning with something to do. I started back a week or so after the funeral. One of the first stories I had to write (I'm a medical writer) was about heart disease in diabetes, which was the cause of Tim's sudden death. Even now I struggle to write on that topic, with the only consolation being that the medical research I cover could stop someone else being in my situation.
 
I did take on too much too soon, and that kicked me in the butt about a year later, when I had a crash in my mental health and had to pull out of two major projects. I've tried to be more measured about my workload since then (which I don't always manage), and to take on smaller rather than larger projects.
 
There is no specific right time to go back to work – it's whatever works for you. It may be days, weeks or months. You have the right to time off when a partner dies. However, depending on how much bereavement leave you get, you might need to take holiday or unpaid leave as well, or get your doctor to sign you off. You may go back to work and then find out you need to take more time off. This isn't a failure, it's what you need.
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​Unfortunately, not all employers are as good as they should be. You may need to be determined in asking for what you need, and you may experience your coping strategies being dismissed or undermined, and your self-care plans belittled. Talk to your boss (or your boss' boss) about what you need, and if you have an HR department or a union, you might want to get them involved.
 
Some people don't go back to their old job, go back and leave, or don't go back to work at all, after bereavement. This may be because their workplace doesn't provide the support or adjustments they need, the travelling is too much, or the experience of bereavement has changed priorities. 

"I left my job a month before Steve died to care for him, so I had no job to go back to. Steve had said to me that I should work for the special assistance at the airport - he said I’d be good at it. So, 9 months later I rocked up at the airport to start my new career. Although it was hard at first they loved me for being the only member of staff that joined because we had used the service, and they were compassionate about what I had been through. I loved my job then and 7 years later I still love it. I went from doing nothing for 9 months (apart from the horses - three at that time!) straight into shift work. It was a bit of a launch but was so the right thing to do for me."
How you might feel
  • Different – how can everything be the same here when the whole of my life has changed?
  • Lonely and disconnected
  • Teary and fragile
  • Fuzzy-headed, slow and widow-brained
  • Tired
  • Unable to concentrate
  • Low
  • Concerned about making mistakes
  • Little confidence in your abilities
  • Worried about what people might say, or weary from dealing with the things that people do say
  • Unmotivated – what's the point of work?
 
Hints & tips
  • Claim bereavement support payment
  • Have a self-care box at your workspace – tissues, chocolate, lavender or other essential oils, notebook and pen, something soft to touch or hold, headphones, a fidget toy or stress ball, favourite teas and snacks, hand cream, lip balm
  • Ask your boss, your HR department, or a friend to let people know what has happened before you go back – the more people know, the less time you will need to spend breaking the news
  • Create a plan with work
    • Arrange back to work discussions
    • Understand what your employer expects of you
    • See if you can work fewer hours or flexible hours, work on fewer tasks, cut back on management responsibilities or get extra support for a while or permanently
    • See if you can return to work on a phased basis, increasing your hours each week until you are back to your previous hours
    • See if you can work in the office/work from home/split your time – whatever works best for you
    • See if your company provides bereavement or trauma counselling or psychotherapy, or will allow you to take time out to attend sessions
    • Encourage your company to put on bereavement training courses for management, and to put a bereavement policy in place
  • Be open with your colleagues and ask for help when you need it
  • Rehearse what you are going to say to people about your loss. You don't have to give them all the details
  • Be prepared that some people may make too much of a fuss of you or ask to many questions, and other people may avoid you because they don't know what to say. Some people might surprise you though, and be the support that you absolutely need
  • Get people to check your work if you are concerned that you are making mistakes, or if you have lost confidence in your abilities
  • Be aware of the number of spoons different tasks will require
  • Be kind to yourself. You may well make mistakes, burst into tears, get frustrated or irritated. It's natural. Talk to your boss and your colleagues and explain how you feel. Being as open as possible can make things easier.
  • Create to do lists and notes and use reminders to help you keep track
  • Have somewhere you can escape to – your car, a toilet or coffee room on a different floor, a local park, the gym or swimming pool
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Talking about chapters and stories - a response

9/5/2022

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In a guest blog, Alison Messom responds to Talking about chapters and stories

I've never liked the concept of a chapter 2 as it suggests the only thing important in your life is a relationship, but I don't have an issue with the concept of chapters per se. I see our lives as a complex novel with multiple chapters, each adding to the whole story.

Some chapters introduce new things or reveal something that we only recognise as being important later, or help us realise that something we thought was important really isn't.  However, no matter how well written it is, no single chapter is complete on its own.  You need all of them to understand and enjoy the whole story.  

There are threads that run through the novel.  Some threads have a key role in a single chapter, others are a constant feature. Some feature in multiple chapters and some play a critical supporting role that may not be immediately apparent.

My life has many chapters. Some relate to activities that were really important, some to places I've lived or have significance. There is an extensive cast list and various characters appear at different points. Some characters only make a fleeting appearance, others form key pillars on which the story builds. The key is that nothing is irrelevant. All of these things add to the picture and a theme or thread doesn't end as a chapter ends; it may well have a role to play in a future chapter.

I like to think that my current chapter is pulling together various threads and characters that were introduced much earlier and is also adding some new characters to move the story in a new direction, building on what came before.
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Doing the things they used to do

6/5/2022

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​Unlike Theresa May, Tim and I never thought that there were 'boy jobs and girl jobs' around the house. There were just jobs he did, such as taking out the bins and the recycling, and doing the vacuuming. He partly did those because they needed to be done, but he partly did them because he knew I hated them, and he was a nice man.
 
That first Monday morning when I put the rubbish out it hurt, and it reminded me how much I missed him. Now, while I still hate doing it, it reminds me how good he was.
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Health anxiety after loss

27/4/2022

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When we lose someone that we are close to, it of course leaves us grieving. It can also remind us of our own health and mortality. This can turn into health anxiety, which is worrying too much about whether you are seriously ill or are going to become seriously ill. It can affect your day-to-day life.
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​I don't have health anxiety for myself, but I do worry about other people. I've always catastrophised when someone doesn't answer the phone, or is late, or has a symptom, but it's got worse since Tim's sudden death.
 
Early one morning my current partner fell down the stairs. I got her to her feet, and she fainted, slithered through my arms and slumped against the wall. She started making guttural noises, much like Tim did just as his heart stopped. I was shouting at her but couldn't rouse her. I was convinced that she was going to die, and I was mentally rehearsing the 999 call and CPR. Before I could get to my phone, she came round with no awareness that she had passed out, and no aftereffects other than a painful ankle. Once I knew that she was okay, I did the only rational thing and burst into tears. The incident left me with flashbacks for a couple of days.
 
Dealing with health anxiety
  • Recognise when you are feeling anxious about yours or someone else's health, or catastrophising, and remind yourself about what is real
  • Use grounding techniques to get yourself out of the spiral of negative thoughts
  • Keep a diary and see if there are patterns in your anxiety – this might help you avoid triggers
  • Try to avoid searching for symptoms on the internet – that often just brings up worst case scenarios
    • If you do want to research illnesses use reputable sites, for example NHS, WebMD, Healthline, or medical charity websites
  • Avoid watching health-related documentaries and dramas
  • Remember that there are likely to be simpler and less serious causes for the symptoms that you believe point to serious disease
    • Draw a table with two columns, put health worries in the first and simpler options in the second
  • Try an online program to help with health anxiety
  • Exercising, getting enough sleep and eating well can help with anxiety
  • If self-help isn’t enough, or health anxiety is disrupting your life, talk to your doctor, and consider cognitive behavioural therapy or psychotherapy
 
Look after yourself
Bereavement can also make us care less about our own health, and stop looking after ourselves. This is your reminder that you matter, you are important, and that you need to be kind to yourself and take care of yourself. If you are worried that you are ill, call 111 or talk to your doctor.

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Talking about chapters and stories

25/4/2022

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Some widows talk about being in a new relationship after loss as being a new chapter. I've done it in the past. But I've changed how I feel about this as it focuses on the only possible happy ever after being that widows find a new love. It implies that a new love fixes us and negates our grief. And chapters are open and shut things, but life just isn't that straightforward and grief stays with us in different forms. So I'm going to talk about stories, because we can have new stories while the old ones still exist.
 
I also believe that the stories of our lives should be about more than new relationships. They should be about how we move forward, and how we rebuild and develop our lives beyond our bereavements. These kind of new stories aren't a fix – we are works in progress.
 
Our new stories might not be the stories of the lives we wanted, but they are the stories of the lives we have. They are stories of big and small things, and should be celebrated. 

Our stories are about:
  • Surviving each day
  • Finding small everyday joys 
  • Remembering self-care
  • Starting a new hobby or returning to an old one
  • Discovering new foods, books, art, theatre or drama
  • Getting a pet
  • Going back to learning, from basic cooking through to a PhD
  • Getting a new job, or giving up an old one
  • Travelling
  • Making new friends or rediscovering ones from childhood or college
  • Moving back to somewhere you loved, moving somewhere new, or staying put and remembering why you loved your place
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Shouldn't I be feeling happier? Letting go and moving forward

22/4/2022

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In November 2018, writer and podcaster Nora McInerny gave an amazing TED talk. She founded the Hot Young Widows Club, a US Facebook group for people widowed young. When she asked the group what phrases they hated most hearing in the early days of grief, 'moving on' came close to the top.
 
'Moving on' implies that the people we have lost are firmly in the past and that's exactly where we should leave them. But, the people we have lost do continue to be present with us; and that's as it should be. It doesn't mean that we are clinging onto a ghost of a dead person, rather that we are influenced by all the people that we have ever known and loved.
 
After Tim died, it felt like everything was gone. But with hard work, amazing support from friends, family plus the charity Widowed and Young, and some psychotherapy, I rebuilt my life. But I didn't 'feel' it. Feeling better felt wrong, because I thought it meant I was moving on and leaving him behind. Forgetting him. Falling out of love with him. Coping without him, the man who I described as the still centre of my turning world. These feelings sabotaged my journey, because I was afraid of letting go of my grief.
 
McInerny's talk changed things for me. I started talking about moving forward, which takes our people with us, rather than moving on, which leaves them behind. Even so, I still had to give myself permission to feel happy. 

​I had to let go of some of my grief. I had to learn that letting go isn't about forgetting them. It's about helping ourselves to live in the now. About understanding that we are who we are because they were in our lives, and because we went through the trauma of bereavement. It helped me to remember that Tim's memories live inside me through my continuing bonds with him.
"How long will I grieve? You will always grieve. In time grief changes and rather than be consumed by sadness we remember with love and happiness."
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The image is by Marzi Wilson of IntrovertDoodles. Buy her book at Hive, and support independent bookshops as well.
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Dating as a widow: Finding someone new

21/4/2022

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Being with someone new, as lovely as he is, as much as he makes me so freaking happy again, in ways that I didn't think possible, has absolutely nothing to do with how much I miss my late partner. How much I wish he was still here! How much I wish myself and my current partner (also a wid) had never ever found ourselves in the position where we join a group for young wids and meet each other.
In my blog post Things not to say to a widow, I talk about things people have said about finding another partner: "You are young. You'll find someone new." "They'd want you to be happy." These to me make it seem like replacing a partner is like replacing a worn-out coat, and that having a new relationship makes everything better. In Nora McInerny's wonderful TED Talk, she talks about what she saw in people's reaction to her new relationship:
"This audible sigh of relief among the people who love me, like 'It's over! She did it. She got a happy ending. We can all go home."
About two and a bit years after Tim died I met someone. It wasn't expected – a friend connected us up over a creative project and we found that we talked often and long into the night. Things were made more complex by all this happening in lockdown, and so by our first 'real' date, a day spent walking around the glorious Yorkshire Sculpture Park, we'd actually been dating virtually for a few months. My ladyspouse and I are getting married. It doesn't take away everything that went before. But it's wonderful.
 
Starting to date as a widow can bring up a whole rush of emotions, and highlight our losses. I had grief attacks and nightmares. I dreamed vividly about Tim. I felt like I was betraying Tim, and I worried about what people would think. I felt very vulnerable and my emotions about my new partner swung around wildly. When we first kissed, it was the first kiss since Tim died, and I felt a spike of guilt. When we first slept together, I had to fight intrusive memories, as the bedroom is where Tim died. That took a lot of grounding.
 
If you start dating, remember to be kind to yourself. Take things steady. Keep safe. But also enjoy. We've already faced the worst and survived and sometimes we need to seize the moment. After all, we know that life is short.
"Our hearts are amazing things – they can expand to fit new people in it – no one questions if a new mother still loves her husband or other children, it is taken for granted that they have enough for the new addition. In the same way in the widowed world being lucky enough to find love again in no way diminishes what we once had – there is room enough in our hearts for the new alongside the old."
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Clearing after bereavement: The practical side

14/4/2022

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This is one of a pair of blogs - see also Clearing after bereavement: My story

Clearing after bereavement is hard. It’s full of triggers and tough memories and it's not something we ever imagined ourselves to have to do. Don't feel guilty clearing things out. This is your home, and is where you need to feel comfortable living.
 
There is no single right time for doing it. For some people, sorting out a partners' belongings happens the day after the death, for some it takes years, for others, it never happens. It also doesn't always happen all at once – it could be in two goes, or six goes, or ten goes, or sometimes a lifetime of goes. I did some sorting, got rid of some clothes and changed the layout of the bedroom, but it took about two years, the death of a friend, and a global pandemic for me to tackle it properly.
 
I did the clearing on my own, as it meant that I could work at my own speed, and not have to stop to explain things or answer questions. I did have a couple of friends on hand who I could message for support, or to show pictures of my progress. I also took frequent breaks as it was both physically and emotionally exhausting. But it's not the same for everyone – you might want to call in a friend or a family member for practical help, or just moral support. For some people, the process has to involve other people. This can be hard, and will need a lot of conversations and patience from everyone involved.
 
When you start clearing, divide things into categories:
  • Save for me
  • Save for others
  • Sell
  • Donate
  • Throw away
  • Not sure
 
Break the process down into manageable tasks, and start with the things with the fewest memories attached to them. Do an hour a day or a day a week, and tackle it room by room, or even cupboard by cupboard. Step away for a bit whenever you need to – go for a walk, have a nap, watch or listen to something.
 
If you are not working to a deadline, don't feel rushed – if you're not sure about whether to keep something or get rid of it, put it away until the next round of clearing. Some people will be under a deadline to sort things out – there may be a date to leave the property, or there may be pressure from other family members. If you have this kind of stress, enlist friends to help and to support you.
 
Create a memory box for things you want to keep but don't want to see every day, and take photos of things that are important memories, but you don't want to keep.
 
Be prepared for the grief attacks. And for the unexpected. But also, enjoy the happy memories. However hard it is, decluttering and rearranging your home can be a very positive experience. I found that it helped me to process my grief, which I didn't expect, and to reclaim the house as my home.
 
Clothes and jewellery
  • Charity shops are always grateful for good quality clothing – my sister took Tim's clothes to a charity shop near her so I didn't have to see them
  • Refugee organisations such as Care4Calais are looking for men's coats, hoodies, jumpers and trainers
  • Give Your Best takes women's clothes and accessories for people in the UK who are refugees, seeking asylum, destitute, NRPF or with precarious immigration status
  • You could make a memory quilt from ties, t-shirts or other fabrics, a memory pillow from a shirt or jumper, or a memory bear (or have one made by Becky's Bears)
  • Get jewellery remade to something that you might wear
  • Clothing can also be dropped off at a textile bank
  • You can sell clothes through sites like Vinted and Depop
Sports
  • ReRun takes running clothes and equipment and sells nearly new and upcycled gear
  • The Bike Project fixes up bikes and donates them to refugees
 
Toiletries
  • There are a number of charities that will accept toiletries (check if they will take part-used products):
    • Period products – Freedom4girls
    • Toiletries and makeup – The Hygiene Bank, ToiletriesAmnesty, BeautyBanks
  • You can also donate unopened toiletries and period protection to your local food bank or women's refuge
  • Pass part-used toiletries on to friends and family
 
CDs, DVDs, games and books
  • You can sell CDs, DVDs, books and/or games on sites like Music Magpie, Ziffit, Sell It Back, Zapper and WeBuyBooks
  • Second-hand bookshops may buy books – call or email before you take them in to avoid disappointment
  • There are charity bins for CDs, DVDs, books and/or games in many carparks and recycling centres
  • Donate CDs, DVDs, books and games to friends, family or charity shops
 
Phones, tablets and computers
  • Make sure you take all the data off before you pass on any IT equipment
  • You can sell mobile phones
  • You can donate phones and tablets to charity
    • Hubbub provides smartphones to people without access to the internet
    • Little Lives provides smartphones and tablets to schools, councils and refugee centres
    • The Great British Tech Appeal distributes smartphones and tablets to refugees
  • Computer reuse programmes take laptops for use in the local community or for students
 
Electrical equipment
  • Not all charity shops accept electrical equipment – check before you donate
  • Most recycling centres will take electrical items
 
Other items
  • Freegle allows you to pass things on for free to members of your local community
  • You can sell (almost) anything through eBay, Gumtree, Shpock, Preloved and Facebook Marketplace. If you sell things on eBay, you can donate between 10% and 100% to charity.
  • Opticians used to accept prescription glasses, but not all have started again after the pandemic. Peep accept glasses by post
 
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Clearing after bereavement: My story

13/4/2022

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This is one of a pair of blogs - see also Clearing after bereavement: The practical side

Tim died in the bedroom, in our bed, and the room was full of triggers. The day of his death, a friend stripped the bed, washed everything, and remade it for me.

​I made myself go back and sleep in it that night, but I knew I had to replace it – the bed, the mattress, the bedding – and rearrange the room.

Tim sold second-hand books, and the shop was on the ground floor of the house. Walking through his bookshop, seeing the counter where Tim would always be – smiling at me when I brought him a cup of tea, calling me down if there was something exciting that had come in – was so hard.

​Friends helped me run it for a while, but I knew that I couldn't keep it going for long, and I had to sell the business. Fortunately, the amazing Juliet Waugh bought it and it's now in another location in the village, with Tim's face presiding over the customers. The money paid for my Master's degree.

The house was still full of stuff belonging to Tim. He sat somewhere on the borderline between being a hardcore collector and a hoarder, and he found it very hard to let go of things. Everything had a sentimental connection, and most things he had were for a reason – they were books he would read one day, magazines that he wanted a complete run of, model kits that he would make, or things that might come in useful. It was overwhelming me.

The COVID-19 lockdown came two years after Tim's death and around the time that an old and very close friend died from glioblastoma, a very unpleasant and usually fatal brain tumour. I had little freelance work and I felt truly alone. After hitting a very deep low, the way I coped was by sorting the house.

This involved making a lot of very tough decisions. Getting rid of clothes was difficult. They are so personal – and somehow shoes and ties were the most personal of all. My sister Judith had helped me run through them a few months after he died, and she took some to her local charity shop, so I didn't have to see them when I went into town. Judith made me a bear out of his favourite jumpers, with a waistcoat made from his ties. It took me going through them another two times before I got it down to the few things I really wanted to keep.
The next things were magazines and race programmes. These were in every room of the house, mostly in labelled boxes, but sometimes just in piles. They were in cupboards, under beds, in drawers. In the bathroom. On the shop counter. Everywhere. When I collected them together, they filled one of the rooms of the empty shop. Full of guilt, I sold them to a magazine seller in London for a sadly small amount, and it took him three journeys to take them away.

And then on to the house. There wasn't a room that didn't remind me of Tim. I didn't intend to erase him, but I needed to reclaim my home, and reignite my love for its 15th century beauty. I started a clear out, which some days reduced me to tears as I picked up things that I knew had meant so much to him. I started piles to keep, to throw away, to sell, to donate to charity shops. I made a memory box of things that I couldn't bear to let go of, but I didn't want to see every day. I cleaned, painted, moved furniture around. And gradually created a home that brought me joy. The next step is finding a new home for my wedding dress. I loved it, but it's time for it to make someone else's day perfect.
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The thing that surprised me about lockdown, and about sorting out the house, is how it helped me process grief. A friend said to me that she saw the change in the house as a reflection of the change in the inside of my head. I, and my house, are still a work in progress. But at least it's a work in progress where there is somewhere to sit down.

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​Grief attacks

7/4/2022

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Some days we potter along. Everything is, if not marvellous, then pretty much okay. Then seemingly out of the blue comes an attack of grief. It feels as if you are standing on a beach and a wave has come up and caught you behind the knees, throwing you off balance. Grief attacks can seem overwhelming.
 
What triggers a grief attack?
A few months after Tim died, I watched a Lancaster fly across my village. I knew that Tim would have loved it, would have had so many stories about it, and I dissolved into grief. Grief attacks can be triggered by different things – thinking about milestone dates, suddenly hearing a piece of music on the radio, someone saying a particular phrase, seeing someone wearing a particular colour or style. Even a particular kind of weather can trip off a grief attack.
 
When a grief attack hits, sometimes we need to just 'sit' in the grief, and let it wash over us. Cry if we need to. Be gentle with ourselves. Remember that the attack will pass. And then breathe slowly, and use grounding techniques to return to the here and now.
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    My name is Suzanne Elvidge, and I was widowed at 50 in 2018

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