Warning. Some sweariness.

One of the first, and wisest, things someone told me about the impact of bereavement is that it is three-fold. We lose our past, our present and our future. This helped me a lot. However, I wasn’t prepared for how much the death of a partner changes us. How much we become different people.

Grief rewires our brains. This rewiring may be temporary, as we go through the fog that is widow’s brain. Some of the changes may also be long-term, or even permanent. For example, bereavement can lead to heightened anxiety, where everything seems like a threat or a potential catastrophe. I am actually less anxious about myself after bereavement, because I realised that I dealt with the worst thing that could ever happen, and I survived. I have more confidence in myself (well, most of the time), because I rebuilt my life on my own. However, I do worry about other people, and I no longer believe in the permanence of anything.

I think it now takes me longer to accept change, as there have been some many changes in my life. I am more patient with other people and their pain and sadness. But I have lost the ability to tolerate fools gladly (not that I was ever that good at it before Tim died). To quote Hank Green, “Behold the field in which I grow my fucks. Lay thine eyes upon it and see that it is barren.”

All of this doesn’t mean that you will never be happy again. Your sadness day to day will lessen. You will feel less angry. You will find yourself smiling or laughing at things. You will go out with friends or go to a party and have fun. Your grief will remain part of you – mine does – but you will start moving forward.

I am happy – not the kind of happy that I expected. After all, one version of my future was taken away from me when Tim died. But I am a different kind of happy in a new version of the future.

​I've shared my story on the WAY Widowed and Young website.

"I was widowed at 50 when Tim, who I expected would be my happy-ever-after following a marriage break-up, died suddenly from heart failure linked to his type 2 diabetes. Although we'd known each other since our early 20s, we’d been married less than ten years. 

I was fortunate to find WAY Widowed and Young and the subgroup WAYWOCs (Widowed and Young WithOut Children) just a few days after I was widowed. I can honestly say that I couldn't have got through the past four years without this incredible bunch of young widows, male and female, cis and trans, straight and queer.

We have shared (virtually and face-to-face) our tragedies, our successes, our tears, our laughter, and any number of truly bad puns and Marmite-related comestibles. I’m bisexual, I’ve known since my 20s but been married and divorced and then married and widowed, each time to a man, had me hiding in plain sight. I’m now in a same-sex relationship with an amazing woman called Dee and we’re getting married in August.

It’s important to me that I am a bisexual woman, and that I am still me, whoever I’m in a relationship with.

Getting involved in queer communities has helped me explore who I am. The amazing WAY LGBTQ+ group allowed me to be out in a safe space, where I felt supported and listened to. These amazing people looked out for me as I came out to my family, and told them that I had a new partner. The LGBTQ+ group is a little glittery place of fabulousness filled with people who are looking after each other and shouting out for each other. We celebrate the good days and the successes, support each other through the bad days, make each other laugh, talk about frocks and lipstick and films, rant, and send each other virtual hugs. I have been fortunate that, apart from some rare occasions, I’ve seen nothing but acceptance. My family, friends and village have fully accepted my partner, which is fantastic. But I know that the WAY LGBTQ+ group would have been there for me if it hadn’t been like that."

Widow’s fire describes the (sometimes) uncontrollable and all-consuming desire for sex following bereavement.
 
When we lose our partner, particularly when we lose a partner young, we lose a lot of things. And one of those is the sex life that we had with our partner, either throughout the relationship or prior to them being ill. But it’s not just about losing the sex life we had. Grief and bereavement leave us with a void, and our libido can kick in to fill that void and provide us with the kick of feel-good neurotransmitters and hormones we need. Sex is also a distraction from grief, a way to take control back in our lives, a comfort, and something that makes us feel alive.
 
What to do when widow’s fire strikes? Masturbation releases the neurotransmitters and hormones, such as oxytocin, that make us feel good, and also helps sleep. But it’s not enough for everyone.
 
If you want and need sex, do what you want to do, what you need to do. Just remember that you are vulnerable. Be careful. Take steps to protect yourself, sexually, physically and psychologically. Don’t be affected by other people’s opinions or judgements. And whatever you do, understand that it does not make you a bad person, or have any reflection on the relationship that you had with your partner.
 
For some people, it’s not so much a craving for sex as a craving for intimacy. It’s the lack of touch. I remember going to a Pilates class and nearly crying when my tutor put her hand on my back to readjust the pose. I know it's not the same, but hugs from friends or family, or a good massage can help to fill the gap.

Other people can shut down completely, with their bodies blocking all sexual feelings, or they can feel disgusted at the idea of sex. If you don’t feel widow’s fire, or the thought of having sex ever again turns you off, you’re not doing it wrong, because everyone grieves in a different way.

If it's been a while since you've dated, the language change can be daunting. Here's a few definitions that might help you work out what people are taking about - the blog on abbreviations might help too. 
 
Allosexual
someone who is sexually attracted to others (the opposite of asexual)

Aromantic
someone who does not experience the feelings of romantic love

Asexual
someone who is not sexually attracted to people

Bae
significant other

Benching
saving someone for later

Bisexual
attracted to both men and women

Bot
fake account

Breadcrumbing
being offered ‘crumbs’ of a relationship to keep you on the hook

Catch and release
a one night stand

Catfishing
leading someone into thinking they are in a relationship and then scamming them

Cisgender
someone who identifies with their gender assigned at birth

Cuffing
hooking up with someone just for the colder months and festive season

Curve
a rejection that’s subtler than a flat out ‘no’

Cushioning
keeping backups or standbys in case your current relationship doesn’t work

Daterview
a date that feels more like an interview

Deep like
researching someone by going through their social media profiles

Define the relationship (DTR)
deciding whether the relationship is casual or going somewhere

Demisexual
someone who is attracted to personalities once they get to know them rather than an immediate physical attraction

E-Fit
curated social media profiles that act as a dating profile

Emergency call
that set-up call that will get you out of a bad date

Firedooring
someone who doesn’t respond to texts, but randomly makes contact

Fuccboi
a man who only wants sex and runs away from relationships

Fuckbuddy/friend with benefits
a friend for sex without a long term relationship

Gaslighting
having feelings dismissed and belittled

Gay
same-sex attracted

Genderfluid
people outside the gender binary, or whose gender identity varies

Ghosting
cutting off discussions with no explanation or warning

Half-night stand
someone who leaves straight after sex

Hatfishing
bald men wearing hats to hide their lack of hair

Hey and pray
saying hello and hoping for a response

Homosexual
same sex attracted

Incel
involuntary celibate

Jelly
jealous

Kittenfishing
people who lie on their profile to look better than they are

Kray bae
when your significant other goes off the rails

Layby
dating someone while looking for better options in the fast lane

Love bombing
being (excessively) showered with love – it can be a prelude to manipulation and abuse

Meetcute
the sweet backstory of how a couple met

Micro-cheating
Not really cheating, but approaching the border of cheating

Monleying
moving from one relationship straight to the next

Monogamous
someone who sees only one person

Negging
backhanded compliments

Non-date date
a meet up that’s no specified as a date

Non-binary
someone who does not see themselves as male or female

On a thing
dating

One-night stand
someone who leaves the next morning

Open relationship
a committed relationship that allows partners to see other people

Orbiting
when the person who has ghosted you hangs around on your social media

Pansexual
attracted to all genders

Peacocking
dressing up to attract attention

Pie hunting
someone who seeks out and dates vulnerable people

Pocketing or stashing
dating but not being introduced to their friends or family

Polyamorous
someone who has relationships with a number of people

Queer
a reclaimed word for people across the LGBTQ+ spectrum

R-bombed
when someone reads your message but doesn’t reply

Roaching
cheating and then claiming that the relationship wasn’t exclusive

Sapiosexual
someone who is attrcayed to intelligence

Several night stand
A relationship that’s a few nights and nothing more

Sex interview
sex before a real date

Simping
someone who is doing everything they can to get someone’s attention

Situationship/casual relationship
a relationship that’s not serious

Sliding into DMs
flirting through messaging

Slow fade
ghosting, but slowly

Slow texting
slow responses – busy, or not that into you?

Snack/on fleek
pretty damn gorgeous

Submarining, haunting or zombieing
when the person who has ghosted you suddenly reappears as if nothing has happened

Summer fling/freckling
hooking up with someone just for the summer

Swipe right
liking someone on an app

Texlationship
messaging but never quite meeting up

Thirst trap
a social media post about anything that’s actually designed to say ‘look how gorgeous I am’

Thicc
curvy

Tindstagramming
contacting someone on Instagram direct messaging when they don’t match you on Timder

Transgender
someone who identifies as a different gender to that assigned at birth

Uncuffing
shedding the winter relationship for the summer one

V card
virgin

Werk
when it’s been hard working getting a date

Wokefishing
Someone saying how marvellous and woke and liberal they are, but it’s really just an act

For some widows, starting a new relationship after loss means diving into a whole new world of online dating. The abbreviations can be daunting. Here's a list of some common ones. For a deeper dive into dating abbreviations, go to Cyber Definitions or Dating Sites Reviews.


1-2-1
one to one

4YEO
for your eyes only

AF
as fuck

B
bisexual

BAE
before anything else

BBW
big beautiful woman

BDSM
bondage, domination, sadism and masochism

BF
boyfriend

BI
bisexual

BM&Y
between me and you

BRB
be right back

BRT
be right there

BTW
by the way

C
Christian

CNM
consensual non-monogamy

D
divorced

D&D
drug and disease

DDF
drug- and disease-free

DTE
down to earth

DTF
down to fuck

DTR
define the relationship

ENM
ethical non-monogamy

F
female

F2F
face to face

FBO
Facebook official (relationship status)

FML
fuck my life

FOMO
fear of missing out

FtM
female to male transgender

FTTB
for the time being

FWB
friends with benefits

FYI
for your information

G
gay

GF
girlfriend

GSOH
good sense of humour

HAK
hugs and kisses

HNG
horny net geek

HWP
height weight proportionate

IDK
I don't know

IDKY
I don't know you

IR
interracial

IRL
in real life

ISO
in search of

J
Jewish

JFYI
just for your information

KFY
kiss for you

L
lesbian

LD
light drinker

LDR
long distance relationship

LGBTQ
lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, and queer

LMIRL
let’s meet in real life

LMIRL
let's meet in real life

LS
light smoker

LTR
long-term relationship

M
Male/married

MBA
married but available

MM
marriage-minded

MOTOS
member of the opposite sex

MOTSS
member of the same sex

MSM
man seeking man

MSW
man seeking woman

MtF
male to female transgender

NS
non-smoker

NSA
no strings attached

NSA
no strings attached

PDA
public display of affection

Q
queer or cool

SC
Snapchat

SCNR
sorry could not resist

SD
social drinker

SFLR
sorry for the late reply

SO
significant other

SOH
sense of humour

STR
straight

T
transgender

TLC
tender loving care

VBD
very bad date

VGSOH
very good sense of humour

WAA
will answer all

WLTM
would like to meet

WSM
woman seeking man

WSOH
wicked or weird sense of humour

WSW
woman seeking woman

WYCM
will you call me

WYD
what are you doing?

WYWH
wish you were here

YODO
you only dump once

​I've lived with depression for many years – since my teens at the very least. And it's not as a result of anything. No childhood trauma, no lack of love. It's worsened by stress, but not caused by it, and no amount of tree hugging, walking barefoot in the grass or eating clean will cure it. It just is. It’s in my genes. I have had counselling and CBT, I take medication, and I exercise. And together they help me manage it.
 
Depression comes in waves. I can feel when it's coming on, the slide down. It's sometimes triggered by something small like a squabble on social media, or not being able to do something I should be able to do perfectly well, or actually nothing specific at all. And I know it's on its way, and I know I need just to ride it out, keep doing what I'm doing, until I feel the start of the climb up. I have it today.
 
When I'm low, all the colour seeps out and it feels like the world has become black and white. Sounds are muffled and my brain fogs. I'm very good at putting a mask on, and I can work and function perfectly well. In fact, before I was first formally diagnosed I assumed that I couldn't be clinically depressed, because I got out of bed, kept myself clean and tidy, and went to work every day where I met my deadlines perfectly adequately. After all, everyone knows that people with depression can't do that.
 
The day that the gym being closed unexpectedly left me sobbing, curled up in a ball on the floor in the corner behind my bed should have told me something was wrong. It took a wonderful and kind friend who made me go to the doctor, and a gentle GP and patient counsellor, to make me realise that not only was there something wrong but that it could be faced up to, and it could even be fixed. Or at least managed.
 
After Tim’s death I found myself in a more complicated world. Tim understood depression. He understood that it couldn't be fixed, but that it could be contained with care and the wave surfed. He would hold me while I cried, hug me when I just felt melancholy, and then make me laugh at the ridiculousness of it all at just the right moment. And so, after he died, I lived with depression and grief.
 
Whereas depression is a world without colour, and tastes of mud, grief is a different thing. It is greeny-yellow, and tastes bitter. It is sharper-edged than depression. And while both come in waves, grief waves I can't see coming. They crash in out of nowhere, sweep me off my feet, and leave me breathless and gasping. Some days they are both there, and I can visualise the colour or grief and the grey of depression, intertwining but separate. I know the difference between the two. Those days are hard.
 
Adapted from a post on my website The House of Correction, written during the first year of bereavement. 

​Grief hijacking – also known as competitive grieving, grief, emotional or energy vampires, grief tourists – call it what you like, it’s exhausting and heartbreaking. You’ve started a conversation, whether on social media or in real life, about your loss, and the conversation twists to become about their loss, not yours. They might be grieving for your person, they might bring in their own loss in a way that it seems like they are playing grief Top Trumps. They might be the acquaintances who pop up from your past to tell you that you are brave, or share your social media posts to show that they are ‘supporting’ their grieving friend without ever actually doing anything to help. Whichever it is, the person you are talking to has made it all about them.
 
If you are approached by grief vampires and grief hijackers, have boundaries to help protect yourself. Share only what you are comfortable about sharing, and say no if they ask too many questions or want to share things about you on social media that you want to keep private.
 
If you, as the friend or family member, want to respond to people’s posts or stories about bereavement, think about what to say. Remember that it’s about them, not you. And if you are going to offer help, be there and do it.