Going back to work

​Going back to work after losing someone, whether it's back into a physical workplace or working from home, is a really tough thing to have to do. You may need to go back to work because you need the money, or it may be to provide structure, company and support.
 
As a freelancer I didn't have a lot of choice about going back to work. I also found that doing a job I loved meant that I got up in the morning with something to do. I started back a week or so after the funeral. One of the first stories I had to write (I'm a medical writer) was about heart disease in diabetes, which was the cause of Tim's sudden death. Even now I struggle to write on that topic, with the only consolation being that the medical research I cover could stop someone else being in my situation.
 
I did take on too much too soon, and that kicked me in the butt around six months after Tim's death, when I had a crash in my grief and mental health and had to pull out of two major projects. I've tried to be more measured about my workload since then (which I don't always manage), and to take on smaller rather than larger projects.
 
There is no specific right time to go back to work – it's whatever works for you. It may be days, weeks or months. You have the right to time off when a partner dies. However, depending on how much bereavement leave you get, you might need to take holiday or unpaid leave as well, or get your doctor to sign you off. You may go back to work and then find out you need to take more time off. This isn't a failure, it's what you need.

​Unfortunately, not all employers are as good as they should be. You may need to be determined in asking for what you need, and you may experience your coping strategies being dismissed or undermined, and your self-care plans belittled. Talk to your boss (or your boss' boss) about what you need, and if you have an HR department or a union, you might want to get them involved.
 
Some people don't go back to their old job, go back and leave, or don't go back to work at all, after bereavement. This may be because their workplace doesn't provide the support or adjustments they need, the travelling is too much, or the experience of bereavement has changed priorities. 

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"I left my job a month before Steve died to care for him, so I had no job to go back to. Steve had said to me that I should work for the special assistance at the airport - he said I’d be good at it. So, 9 months later I rocked up at the airport to start my new career. Although it was hard at first they loved me for being the only member of staff that joined because we had used the service, and they were compassionate about what I had been through. I loved my job then and 7 years later I still love it. I went from doing nothing for 9 months (apart from the horses - three at that time!) straight into shift work. It was a bit of a launch but was so the right thing to do for me."

How you might feel

• Different – how can everything be the same here when the whole of my life has changed?
• Lonely and disconnected
• Teary and fragile
• Fuzzy-headed, slow and widow-brained
• Tired
• Unable to concentrate
• Low
• Concerned about making mistakes
• Little confidence in your abilities
• Worried about what people might say, or weary from dealing with the things that people do say
• Unmotivated – what's the point of work?

 
Hints & tips

• Claim bereavement support payment
• Have a self-care box at your workspace – tissues, chocolate, lavender or other essential oils, notebook and pen, something soft to touch or hold, headphones, a fidget toy or stress ball, favourite teas and snacks, hand cream, lip balm
• Ask your boss, your HR department, or a friend to let people know what has happened before you go back – the more people know, the less time you will need to spend breaking the news
• Create a plan with work
  • Arrange back to work discussions
  • Understand what your employer expects of you
  • See if you can work fewer hours or flexible hours, work on fewer tasks, cut back on management responsibilities or get extra support for a while or permanently
  • See if you can return to work on a phased basis, increasing your hours each week until you are back to your previous hours
  • See if you can work in the office/work from home/split your time – whatever works best for you
  • See if your company provides bereavement or trauma counselling or psychotherapy, or will allow you to take time out to attend sessions
  • Suggest a buddy system, so that you have someone to turn to should you need help with no judgement
  • Encourage your company to put on bereavement training courses for management, and to put a bereavement policy in place
• Be open with your colleagues and ask for help when you need it
• Rehearse what you are going to say to people about your loss. You don't have to give them all the details
• Be prepared that some people may make too much of a fuss of you or ask to many questions, and other people may avoid you because they don't know what to say. Some people might surprise you though, and be the support that you absolutely need
• Get people to check your work if you are concerned that you are making mistakes, or if you have lost confidence in your abilities
• Be aware of the number of spoons different tasks will require
• Be kind to yourself. You may well make mistakes, burst into tears, get frustrated or irritated. It's natural. Talk to your boss and your colleagues and explain how you feel. Being as open as possible can make things easier.
• Create to do lists and notes and use reminders to help you keep track
• Have somewhere you can escape to – your car, a toilet or coffee room on a different floor, a local park, the gym or swimming pool

Widow's experiences of going back to work, both good and bad.