Things you learn as a widow: The importance of making plans

​This isn't a post about widowhood. It's a post about the time before.

Tim died so suddenly that we weren't able to put any plans in place. Over the almost four years since Tim died I have seen two beloved friends die of cancer, and have talked through plans with them. Plans make a hard time easier for the people that we leave behind.

Make a will
Tim didn't and it just added to all the things I needed to do at a time when I was falling apart. So make a will. Make sure that people know if you're going to name them as executors and make sure they know where to find it.  Include a statement that you're revoking all previous wills. Get legal advice if you need to. This may be available free from a charity if you include a bequest, or via your union. 

Wills can be about actions as well as assets, and you can include things that you want people to change, or not to change. These can be quirky if you are in the mood and you think the recipient will appreciate it - for example, "I'll come back and haunt you if.... you dig up the red rose bush, or you don't use those concert tickets we've got."

Make an additional list of any things that you want to go to particular people, where they aren't big enough to go in a will. Your favourite pen, for example. Also, think about what needs to happen to pets.

Power of attorney
A power of attorney will make life easier for the people around you if you think you might become so incapacitated that you can’t make decisions. You will need one for health and welfare, and one for finances and property. These need to be registered with the Office of the Public Guardian to make them legally effective. This requires a fee and can take several weeks to be put in place.

Other paperwork
Make a list of important information:

• Bank and building society accounts, premium bonds, shares, ISAs, overdrafts, loans, debts, mortgages, pensions, death in service benefits, credit cards and any other financial accounts
• Insurers (house, car, pet etc) and utility providers - if these are in both names it can make things easier
• NHS and national insurance numbers
• Contact details for employer, friends and family

​Consider simplifying finances, for example consolidating everything into one bank account and one credit card. Having some form of joint account, even if you also have separate accounts, means that someone left behind can access money in those first few weeks of 'afterwards'. Check that anything that has a named beneficiary on it, such as a pension, goes to  the right person.

Practical things and medical requests
If you are likely to be ill for while, check out benefits that might be available for you and your carers, and contact social services for help with things like hoists and commodes. 

You can put into writing your feelings about treatment, do not resucitate (DNR) orders, withdrawing feeding and drinking, pain relief and organ donation. You can change or revoke these as your feelings change. 

Technology
Set up a password manager like LastPass and get all your critical passwords and other things into it, and give the overarching password to your partner, a member of your family, a close friend or the executor of your will. This should include not only passwords, but where you need to give memorable dates or other pieces of information.

Think about your digital legacy – Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, photos, music playlists, mobile phones, laptopts, iPads and tablets, cloud storage, backups etc – and make sure people know what you have, what the passwords are,  and what you want doing with them. Let people know if you want these closed or memorialised (where allowed). Go through social media accounts if you think that there is anything that you think might make people unhappy to see after you are gone.

Tell someone where all the instruction manuals are. 

Funeral plans
Consider your funeral plans and write them down. 

Do you want:

• A religious or a humanist ceremony
  • If you live in a Church of England parish where the churchyard is still open for burials, you have the legal right to be buried there 
  • A graveside funeral is the simplest form of Church of England service
• A traditional or plan wooden coffin or an eco casket, for example wicker
• Cremation or burial
  • If you want to be buried, do you want a civic cemetary, a green burial site or a churchyard
  • If you are buried in a Church of England churchyard, your grave is there 'in perpetuity'; if you lease a site in a civic cemetary, this isn't guaranteed at the end of the lease
• A traditional ceremony or something more personal

Think about:

• The people you want to be involved in the ceremony
• The people you want to be notified, including how you know them
• The words or music that you want to be included
• What clothes you want to be dressed in
• What you want people to wear to the ceremony
• Whether you want flowers or not
• Which charities you would like people to donate to
• What you want to happen to any ashes

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Finding a funeral director that you can lodge your plans with can be good. You can always revisit these plans – they are not set in stone.

Funerals can be expensive. The average funeral costs just under £5,000. It really doesn't have to, but people will try to get you to spend money on gold plated coffin handles and fancy printed orders of service when you're in no fit state to argue. A graveside funeral is likely to be the cheapest option if cost is an issue. Stick with what you want - plain or fancy. 

'Stuff'
Start decluttering if you can. Perhaps starting with the random crap that one (okay, me) has on their desk. I found going through Tim's desk achingly hard. If you just leave the meaningful things it can be easier on your family. Create piles for bin, save, sell and donate - you can sell stuff on eBay and donate 10-100% to charity.

Don't get rid of everything though. There will be things of yours, even little tiny silly things, that people will want to remember you by. And you need to carry on in a lovely, comfortable place that's you, not a sterile room.

Give your family and friends permission to throw things away, too. I still feel guilty when I get rid of something of Tim's.

Make a bucket list
Create a bucket list of things you want to do, people you want to talk to, places you want to go, things you want to buy, films, plays and bands you want to see, and get on with making it happen. This is your bucket list, and it can be as big or small as you want it to be. The list can be tailored to how well you are and what you can afford - travelling can be real or virtual, gigs can be in person or live streamed. 

Create memories

• Get someone to take pictures of you with the people you love
• Write down some memories, from just a few notes, through writing a legacy letter, to creating your own personal memoir
• Make notes in photo albums
• Record your voice and/or film a short video
• Write notes or cards to be opened on special dates or occasions in the future
• Talk to the people you love
• Write goodbye letters

Remember…
Use your time wisely. Don't spend so long sorting practicalities that you don't spend time with the people you love.

Some reading
In Case you get Hit by a Bus
What to do after a death

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