​The Widow's Almanac: Halloween and Bonfire Night

Trigger warning: Discussions of death, including violent death
 
It's October. The days are getting shorter, the leaves are starting to turn yellow and red and gold. The nights are getting colder and there's a hint of frost in the air. The shops are filling with orange and black. With pumpkins, costumes and masks. And if you live somewhere where people decorate their houses and gardens, there might be skulls and coffins and ghosts all over the place. There'll be children dressed up knocking on the door for sweets. And then, a few days later, Remember remember! The fifth of November, with bonfires and fireworks. Parties, food, drinks, dressing up, playing games. It's just fun, after all.
 
For some widows, though, Halloween and Bonfire Night can be really hard.
 
The imagery of death around Halloween all over shops, people's houses and gardens, and in social media, such as skulls, skeletons, fake tombstones and coffins, can bring back awful memories and trigger flashbacks. The coffins bring back some of the intrusive thoughts that I have fought to deal with over the past four and a half years.
 
For people whose partners have died a violent death, the images of bodies with nooses around their neck, or with bleeding wounds, can be devastating. Halloween depicts graveyards as scary, with bones and reaching arms, not as the safe resting places that we have created for the people we love.
 
The sounds and smells of Bonfire Night can be particularly hard where death by fire or gunshot has left widows with PTSD. These can also be difficult for autistic widows.
 
What to do?

• Keeping away from the imagery of Halloween can be hard – try to avoid big shops, supermarkets and shopping centres in the run up to the end of October
• Repeat to yourself that none of the things that you see are real
• Get some exercise during the day to try to wear yourself out
• Blackout curtains, blankets over the windows, ear protectors or plugs, white-noise generators and your favourite playlists can limit the sounds and sights of Bonfire Night (but noise-cancelling headphones don't always work)
• Suggest that local displays use silent fireworks
• Do something nice for yourself that stimulates the other senses – good food, scented candles, have a warm bath, snuggle up under a weighted blanket.
• Use grounding techniques to calm yourself if you get stressed or panicky