The spoon theory and grief

​The spoon theory was created by Christine Miserandino to explain to a friend about what it felt like to have the chronic illness lupus. She used it to describe how every task in a day requires a block of energy, be it physical or mental, and that she had to budget out those blocks across the day. She wrote it up as an essay for her blog.
 
"I quickly grabbed every spoon on the table; hell I grabbed spoons off of the other tables. I looked at her in the eyes and said 'Here you go, you have Lupus'… I asked her to count her spoons. She asked why, and I explained that when you are healthy you expect to have a never-ending supply of spoons. But when you have to now plan your day, you need to know exactly how many spoons you are starting with. It doesn’t guarantee that you might not lose some along the way, but at least it helps to know where you are starting. She counted out 12 spoons…. I asked her to list off the tasks of her day, including the most simple. As she rattled off daily chores, or just fun things to do; I explained how each one would cost her a spoon… I think she was starting to understand when she theoretically didn’t even get to work, and she was left with 6 spoons. I then explained to her that she needed to choose the rest of her day wisely, since when your spoons are gone, they are gone."
 
Spoons and grief
The spoon theory was created for chronic illness, but it can also be used for the impact that grief has on your physical and mental spoon numbers. Early on in grief I was so tired that my bones hurt, which took away some of my physical spoons. I also had widow brain, which took away some of my mental spoons too. Creating a spoons graphic based on your own needs can be a useful exercise to help you understand what you need, and what you can do to look after yourself.

What you can do

• Be kind to yourself
• Some days you might wake up with very few spoons – those are the days that you need to rest, both physically and mentally
• Get to know your limitations
• Prioritise the things that have to be done, the things that it would be useful to do, and the things that can be put off to another day
• Schedule your day to meet the spoons you have – you may have more energy at different times of day

• Accept that you may need to ask for help, and accept help when it's offered (I know it's hard)
• Understand that, when you are low on mental spoons, physical spoons, or both, it's hard to make plans. And that you might need to change your plans at the last minute, too.
• Pace yourself – if you have a busy day ahead, have a quiet day the day before if you can, and be prepared that you might need to rest the day after
• Take breaks when you need them
• Explain to people what you are going through – the spoon theory can help
• Try to eat and sleep as well as you can, and consider adding in a basic multivitamin and multimineral if you're not eating well
• Exercise when you can

 
Notes about spoons

• Your numbers of spoons can change from day to day
• Physical and mental spoon numbers can differ – gardening may be a high physical spoons activity but if you enjoy it, it might be low on mental spoons, or even help you to replenish your spoons
• The number of spoons any activity takes will vary from person to person
• Replenishing mental spoons differs for different people – for extroverts, spending time with people helps, and for introverts, spending time alone might be the right thing to do. I'm an ambivert with introvert leanings, and so I love being with people right up to the point that I suddenly need to be alone
• The spoons lost in grief do come back, but your spoon numbers might drop on milestone dates or days when grief hits hard