 "I have never been so alone" The Derby Witness 2020 Many of us have been lonely at one time or another, and it is a deep dark feeling. I didn't really understand the depth of it until I was a childfree widow during the COVID-19 lockdown in spring 2020, when I couldn't visit anyone, touch anyone, or chat with anyone other than from a distance. The aloneness and the loneliness that came with it made me hurt physically.
When we are widowed, loneliness can be overwhelming and all-encompassing, and made worse by our grief. It can feel physical. As a someone said on Twitter – yearning is a physical pain, an ache that never ceases. It’s also a loneliness that isn’t linked to being alone – we can be lonely in a crowd. Health impacts of loneliness Being lonely can affect health – social isolation and loneliness have been linked with a number of forms of physical and mental illness, including high blood pressure, heart disease, stroke, type 2 diabetes, a weakened immune system, worsening Parkinson’s disease symptoms, anxiety, depression, suicidal ideation, stress, cognitive decline, dementia, and even death. There’s a number of possible reasons for this – loneliness and grief are both linked with behaviour that can affect our health, including not eating or sleeping properly, not exercising, and drinking or smoking more than is healthy. People who are grieving and lonely may not look after their health. And loneliness itself can affect health, with reduced immunity, increased inflammation and increased pain. What to do? Woman’s hour on Radio 4 had a special on Loneliness – the last taboo?, and it’s worth listening to. There are groups and organisations that can help with information on loneliness and how to cope:
If you want to find people locally and nationally to connect with, there are organisations and websites that link people up:
52 Comments
Denise Dixon
26/4/2024 22:18:59
5 years have passed since my husband died suddenly, I’m busy doing things I don’t really want to do, so lonely . I try so hard to keep busy, I just feel lost; no direction.
David DiSandro
21/11/2024 22:27:11
What did you do to get keep busy?
Lynne
7/2/2025 00:38:54
Me tpo
Jacki Morgan
10/2/2025 10:03:22
I’m finding it really difficult on these long dark evenings. I don’t think people who haven’t been through it can possibly understand It’s almost physical the pain of loneliness. I’ve considered dating sites but I don’t think that’s the answer
Delores Jacobson
30/5/2025 17:06:36
You are so very correct, Jacki. Dating sites are not necessarily the answer. There’s also lots of heartbreak & scam attempts. Yes, you can get lucky to meet someone decent, but it’s also a chance you take trying to find someone who’s a good honest match. And even more heartbreak to add to a grieving situation can put us way over the edge. I know because it’s happened to me. I have no children or other close family or friends, & lost my husband and best friend of 31 years in 2012, when he was just 62. I do understand all the feelings expressed in all postings I’ve read here on this site. I feel the same as all of you. It’s amazing how much we all share.
Marianne
28/2/2025 18:34:11
I understand completely how you feel. I lost my husband 5 years ago. I feel there's no point to anything anymore. Life is so cruel. Should have been enjoying retirement like everyone else. I see couples our age holding hands and tears roll down my face.
Wendi
25/3/2025 21:26:08
Marianne, I understand. I am 62, and retired Dec 6, 2024, mostly due to chronic illness. We'd hoped it would bring healing. My dear husband retired May 2023 and was acting as caretaker. On Dec 26, 2024, he slipped on ice in our driveway. I'd called to him from the house; he turned and started to say "yes daahlin" as he always did. Lost his balance. I had 19 days of happy retirement before the pain and the responsibilities dropped on me. The future is empty. I hope it is short.
Caroline Thornton
28/6/2025 20:22:09
Totally agree. I have wonderful bother and sister who include me in holiday plans. I'm sick of being 3rd wheel. I would rather stay at home. Recently retired after 48 yrs nursing. I hate it. I hate not having my wonderful husband to share it with. I feel I am done with this life.
James baker
12/6/2025 04:41:14
American married to Brit for 30+ years. She died of cancer. I lost my soul when she died. Everyday I cry and the pain is so unbearable.
Douglas
22/6/2025 13:23:33
I lost my wife of 53 years in February. I had nursed her for 2 years and thought I was prepared for the end which was inevitable. I was not. The grief and loneliness is terrible. I have friends and relatives who try to help but nobody understands the awful feelinof losing your bloved life partner. I visit the grave a lot and talk to her and bring flowers but when I leave I am always in tears of despair.
Linda Scheuerell
30/7/2025 03:45:56
It's been 5 years without my husband. The plans to retire early have now just become meaningless drivel. I keep busy with volunteer work, yardwork, etc. but it's just so empty
Joan
1/8/2025 22:16:42
I lost my lovely husband of 55 years in December. Sadly he was suffering from ascular dementia.
Georgiana M Larson
4/10/2025 04:19:22
It comes and goes the tears. Some days are ok and others are so hard. I have to be my own best friend. Have to learn to enjoy my own company.Got myself a little dog and she has helped a lot. She needed me just like I needed her. Would be happy to correspond with you
Susan coles
17/6/2025 02:49:53
Would our husbands want us to be miserable???no, not if they truly loved us. If the situation was reversed would you want your love to be sad ? No, life is exactly that, life.
Caroline Thornton
28/6/2025 20:23:32
Easier said than done 31/8/2025 09:24:41
I don’t think our husbands would want us to be miserable. What keeps you happy and not miserable? My husband and I were married for 29 years. Eleven years ago he died in a bicycle accident. At 70, I feel lost and struggle with what to do next - move to the retirement/continuing care community where my sister lives, move away to Ohio where my son lives - knowing at 38 this might not be his permanent location. Watching the couples we/I have begin to retire and make fun, interesting plans is inspiring tourture. I am relieved to read entries from widowers who share stories of their struggles.
Pauline Troy
2/5/2024 16:49:23
Hi Denise, oh boy do I know how you feel. I lost my husband in November and life is so hard. The loneliness is horrible. When he was alive the last 6 months was litterley 24 x 7 and now what do I do. I thought I was going to find information here about a timeframe when this pain would end 😥. It seems to get worse and now I find myself not wanting to try anymore. Sick of therapy. Anxiety physically painful. I realize now that people will only give so much until they are worried about being inconvenienced. Then they distance themselves, including and, sadly, especially family.
Suzanne
12/7/2024 15:30:02
I'm so sorry to hear this - so many people say that the loneliness is one of the hardest parts of loss. Please take care of yourself
Barbara
18/10/2024 22:01:37
I've had the same experience, sadly
Anita
31/12/2024 16:35:35
My husband died 9 years ago. I've fought hard to stay in a group, of riends. do everything to be part of something.. Last month I seem to have lost everyone, groups actually don't like women on their own. I'm 77.dont know what to do have lost confidence..
Elizabeth
28/3/2025 19:47:56
I lost my darling husband of 33 years 8 weeks ago. He had cancer and the last year has been really tough. We were just retired and only in our 60’s. I can’t picture my life going forward. I couldn’t be more sad. I miss him him terribly. Can’t sleep, eat or function and cry a lot. It s truly awful.
Lori
2/4/2025 04:30:32
I lost my husband on January 23rd, we were married for 25 years, he was my best friend and answered all my questions whenever I needed. I have lost my parents and other family members and was very sad when they passed, but when you lose a spouse it is a whole other ballgame, the pain is unbelievable.it feels like I lost a limb. My husband was an attorney, very smart and well respected in the community, no one could hold a candle to him. I just feel I don’t k ow where to go from here. 😒
Marcia
24/5/2025 22:10:06
I have the same experience. Family, Son and daughter-in-law, and friends call sometimes to check how are you doing, but then they disappear for while. The loneliness and emptiness is hard. My husband was everything that I had.
Pen
18/5/2025 01:59:11
I lost my husband last June 2024 he struggled with throat and neck cancer and It was very tough treatment. We’ve been married for 33 years but been together for 36. I am so lonely. We did everything together. We loved to fish we had it place on a finishing lake. We wintered in Florida for a couple months in the winter time. I live in the country and I am so lonely. My kids are all grown. And have their own families and our distance away from me I talk to him quite often, but I am just so lonely.
Marcia
24/5/2025 22:04:17
I lost my husband on October/2024. I got home from work and when I got in the living room he was laid down with his body face the floor. He had a massive heart attack. I completely lost everything that I had the best in my life. I lost the direction, the purpose of life, my own me because he was half part of me. We were married for 27 years with many plans to fulfill and now I don’t know how to start over. The loneliness that I have is deeply and hurt my bones and my mind. As someone mentioned you have children and grandchildren, but they have their own life. Just pray for God gives me strength and helps me to keep going.
Vicki Doudera
30/8/2025 02:07:15
Gosh can I relate! My husband of 38 years died suddenly in December. One minute I am in the kitchen making Christmas treats and the next I am upstairs finding him dead in our bed. Like Lori, my husband was a respected attorney in our town and so smart and giving. I have always been an independent spirit and yes I have my own identify, but he was my anchor, soulmate and touchstone and I feel so very lost and sad. At 64 I am a lonely mess.
Ruth Farmer
6/7/2024 18:21:38
Hi Denise, I lost my husband three days ago. I didn’t know it could hurt so much I’m lost, confused and muddling through in a new world where I don’t have a map and don’t know the rules.
Belle
17/8/2024 17:53:34
Lost my husband in 2022 and was running on autopilot for the first year. Continued in my job which in hindsight was good for me as I was amongst familiar surroundings. Everyone was gentle and understanding during my darkest days. 28/12/2024 10:50:39
My husband of 48 years died 3 years ago. We married when I was 18. And he 24. I am getting worse with tears, talking to myself and forgetting words. Sleeping is poor. Our 4 lovely adult sons cause me to have panic attacks. One, grief rules him. 2 are here but are now intolerant of me and 1 is away a lot.,. I feel so alone. They have highly driven jobs and I feel so overtalked by them talking ST me, not TO me. They hardly come round now and even then mow lawns or s sad unilateral and go…. They do not realise how much this leaves me so sad and worthless. I moved closer to one as he was loving my being near… BUT I feel so sad but not when children here. I adore them all.
Jacki
4/1/2025 21:48:26
Just found this page by doing a web search. Second anniversary of my husband's death will be in 13 days. I did well for first year although maybe that was because I had a personal health scare. Second year has been way harder. Main thing is the evenings. I have never been alone like this in my life until now. At times it's just unbearable. I'm a very outgoing person with lots to give but my life was complete with just me n my husband. I have grown up kids from my first marriage but they have their own lives so I just say all is ok. I am so very sad for myself. Never ever thought this would be me
Marianne
28/2/2025 18:40:17
Understand exactly how you feel. My boys were great the first year but of course they have their own family to look after and I truly get this. But it's a lonely existence now, and yes when they say are you ok mum the answer is always I'm fine. Don't see much future anymore now I'm on my own
Kathy Honey
19/4/2025 10:05:55
I find it hard to and sorry for your loss, my husband died 2yrs ago next month, I had a fall in November fractured my shoulder , I can't work now due to my fall and anxiety and I wake up.not knowing what to do I go to a group twice a week
Caroline Thornton
28/6/2025 20:25:50
I'm 71/2 years a widow. Retired this year. I'm finding it so hard to live the life I have as opposed to the life i want.
Lesley Taylor
9/2/2025 12:54:31
The seventh anniversary of my husband’s death is coming up, and it’s still as painful as ever. Don’t know how I manage to get though each day. The craziness of the first year is gone, but the agonising pain remains
Marianne
28/2/2025 18:29:55
My husband of 47 years passed 5 years ago. Two weeks before lockdown . I miss him more each day. We have two sons but they live a distance from me, not close enough to pop in. I'm so lonely. If I wasn't here there would be sadness but really no one would miss me. What's the point of life anymore
Leslie Turano Taylor
28/2/2025 18:32:29
You’re not alone.
Pam Pistoresi
6/10/2025 20:58:50
Marianne…I hear your heartache and pain loudl and clear! This December will mark 5 years since my sweet husband of 46 years passed away. He was diagnosed with cancer the previous October and was gone in 8 weeks. The devastation has been mind numbing. He was my best friend and I miss him terribly. I miss our Saturday night dates at a local Mexican restaurant, I miss the road trips in his restored 1932 Plymouth roadster, I miss his gentle touch, warm hugs and sweet kisses…I miss everything about him. And yes the loneliness is unbearable. I would not wish this on my worst enemy. I wish you the best and I’m so very sorry for your tremendous loss. Take care…
Marianne
28/2/2025 18:43:15
Completely agree, the pain really doesn't go away, we just learn to live with it. Good days and bad, never knowing when we wakeup which day it will be. My husband passed 5 years ago this weekend
Marianne
28/2/2025 18:53:32
Having a bad day and found this website. So desperate to find people in same situation. I have a few friends but none in my situation, married couples, friend who has never married. No one really understands unless they've lost a partner Join a club they say, get out and about. We did everything together don't know how to do things on my own. Turn down invitations to get togethers or leave almost as soon as I get there. Sound pathetic but that's my life now
Leslie Taylor
28/2/2025 20:23:03
Not pathetic at all. You feel what you feel because of love and you’re entitled to feel that way.
Clara
21/3/2025 19:55:31
It's been 3 months. He died on December 23. I turned 60 on December 27. I did not expect to be without him so soon. He wasn't ill. It was sudden. The pain is unbearable. I knew the moment it happened that I'd never get over it. Now I hear it from you all.
Christina
1/8/2025 06:35:43
Hi Clara, I’m so sorry for your loss! I am feeling the same way, my husband passed 2 months ago suddenly and I am so heartbroken! I don’t know what to do with myself, the pain is so excruciating and so overwhelming, I’m at a loss!!
Darin
10/4/2025 08:52:56
I lost my wife the day after Thanksgiving, love of my life for 36yrs. Heart failure at the age of 50, Im 53, not sure how to live life anymore, counseling is somewhat helpful, but the void, its too empty!
Diane
28/4/2025 04:56:42
I too am going thru all of the loneliness feeling abandoned hateing every moment I exist! Been 4 yrs only getting worst
Gloria
26/6/2025 05:03:47
My husband died nine years ago. I have five children. One daughter is very attentive and calls me three times a week & visits
Kev
20/9/2025 11:11:54
I am 52, I lost my wife of 25 years last year, my life is empty and silent without her, I sit here and the silence is deafening. And the awful truth is the longer I sit and hate the lonliness the easier it becomes to not want to move, even though I hate the lack of a reason and the lack of want to do anything. Grief is a horrible insidious thing.
Cheryl
24/9/2025 02:12:19
Hello all. My husband is alive, However, he has days to live and I’ his at home caregiver. I already miss him as he’s been in hospital and now bedridden and medicated so much he doesn’t know me. Our cats are on edge and crying aimlessly .
Georgiana M Larson
9/10/2025 03:50:29
I am 86 and have been alone for 3 years. I try to keep busy with yoga and play bridge I got myself a little dog an older dog. She is such a blessing and keeps me company. Have lost so many girlfriends and now my husband. It takes guts to face each day alone. Your comment will be posted after it is approved.
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AuthorI was widowed at 50 when Tim, who I expected would be my happy-ever-after following a marriage break-up, died suddenly from heart failure linked to his type 2 diabetes. Though we'd known each other since our early 20s, we'd been married less than ten years. Archives
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