What can I do to help?

When you hear that someone you know and care about has been widowed, for most people the first instinct is to say, 'what can I do to help?' But this puts the pressure on the widowed person to think of something, and that's not easy in the moment. These are the things that helped me.
For the widow:

• Ask someone to find you a pad of sticky notes and a pen, and write down anything that needs doing. Feeding the cat, cleaning, fitting a doorbell, buying food. Anything. Big or small. And then every time someone says ‘what can I do?’, give them a sticky note.

For the friend or family:

• Be there. On the end of a phone, an email, a letter, messaging, in person. For as long as it takes
• However... I struggled with people turning up unannounced – for me, a quick message to say 'I'm around this afternoon, can I pop in' was much easier to deal with than the doorbell suddenly ringing. Similarly, I found messages easier to cope with than phone calls – the conversation could be a prelude to a call, or it might just continue by text
• Suggest specific things that you could do, rather than ask an open-ended question – 'I'd like to come over on Thursday evening and cut your lawn, fill your freezer, drop off some instant or easy-to-cook food or meal replacement shakes, pick up your washing or clean'
• But... allow the bereaved person to maintain control. Don't reorganise their cupboards, throw things away or go though their washing basket without permission. 
• Keep your widowed person involved. Invite them to things. Be aware that they might say no. Don't put pressure on them, and accept that they might change their minds at the last minute
• Talk about the person they have lost
• You might feel helpless, but a grieving person doesn't expect you to make it all better - they just want to know that you care
• If you can, remember their important milestone dates
• And most importantly – do what you have offered. Walk the walk as well as talk the talk