 Widow’s fire describes the (sometimes) uncontrollable and all-consuming desire for sex following bereavement.
When we lose our partner, particularly when we lose a partner young, we lose a lot of things. And one of those is the sex life that we had with our partner, either throughout the relationship or prior to them being ill. But it’s not just about losing the sex life we had. Grief and bereavement leave us with a void, and our libido can kick in to fill that void and provide us with the kick of feel-good neurotransmitters and hormones we need. Sex is also a distraction from grief, a way to take control back in our lives, a comfort, and something that makes us feel alive. What to do when widow’s fire strikes? Masturbation releases the neurotransmitters and hormones, such as oxytocin, that make us feel good, and also helps sleep. But it’s not enough for everyone. If you want and need sex, do what you want to do, what you need to do. Just remember that you are vulnerable. Be careful. Take steps to protect yourself, sexually, physically and psychologically. Don’t be affected by other people’s opinions or judgements. And whatever you do, understand that it does not make you a bad person, or have any reflection on the relationship that you had with your partner. For some people, it’s not so much a craving for sex as a craving for intimacy. It’s the lack of touch. I remember going to a Pilates class and nearly crying when my tutor put her hand on my back to readjust the pose. I know it's not the same, but hugs from friends or family, or a good massage can help to fill the gap. Other people can shut down completely, with their bodies blocking all sexual feelings, or they can feel disgusted at the idea of sex. If you don’t feel widow’s fire, or the thought of having sex ever again turns you off, you’re not doing it wrong, because everyone grieves in a different way.
108 Comments
Beth
15/7/2022 13:13:55
I had widows fire at 4 months after my hubby of 18 yrs died. I felt a great need for sex, tried to solve problem thinking I'll just pick someone up in the pub, but safety? Can't come back to mine, can't go back to theirs, disabled toilet perhaps in pub? Gosh I'm too old and respectful for this. So then I thought about paying a professional, a male prostitute? Did you know that you have to book for 2 hours, as they think women need more time to relax and talk a little first, whereas a man can book just one hour? Equality? I just needed an hour, believe me!
Ilene Douglas
16/5/2023 01:04:28
At 74 I lost my husband of 55 years. Within 2 months a younger man bought my keurig. I guess he liked me and thought I was cute. Long story short….he pursued me for another 3 months…..texting…..then we met in person. He knew how old I was and liked our friendship but wanted more, as did I. I won’t go into details but this is the happiest I’ve been in many years. I know it’s not long term but damn, I don’t feel guilty or ashamed….just having a fun time! Having said that…..my kids, grandkids and great grandkids don’t need to know as I’m sure I would be judged! I know I have widows fire my husband passed 3 20 23 of cancer. We had been together for 46 years married 45 years. I'm 63 and I know no one would want me. I had breast cancer in 2015 had both breast removed. I can't have reconstruction surgery because the surgeon was mad at the hospital and messed up my surgery. My kids think that I'm fine but I'm so lonely it hurts. My husband before he got sick would still treat me like he always had. He told me he wanted me not a body part. We always had a good sex life. I miss being held and kissed. No matter what he always called me beautiful. He was my world from the time I was 15 he was 18 .I know he was terrified he would love me first but it was him.
Melissa Selena Silvia
1/8/2023 03:32:20
Thank you so much for sharing! My husband passed a year ago. I had separated from him, stupidly, cuz he was working in TX so I only saw him two times in a year. I guess I got lonely and started dating a guy that lived near me. My husband tried to get me back. I feel like God knew he was gonna pass so he put me somewhere else for the actual death. I wasn't "allowed" to grieve when he passed but it's hitting now!! We were together for 25 years and best friends. He also always called me beautiful, even when I gained weight. I have major health problems but he stuck around. I'm struggling with the guilt of not being there when he passed and that he can't put his arms around me as I'm torn apart right now!!! Thank you for listening💗 Is it okay for a guy to chime in here. Lots of great honest and open discussion here and I really like it. My wife of 44 years died 2 years ago of COVID. I saw for sure by now I would have either a long-term girlfriend or be engaged or married. One girlfriend for 3 months no sex she slammed the door. Now I regret that I didn't grab her throw her on the bed, Good Christian man that I am. . Good night must I can't even get anybody to go to lunch with me. I even asked a lady who had a stroke and has recovered somewhat and has a hard time walking You want to go get coffee no want to go to a movie no Go to the beach no. Geez I can't even get a date with a cripple. I look in the mirror this morning to see if I had leprosy. The other day I started going down the naughty talk with somebody online and I couldn't believe I was doing that. In some weird way it kind of relieved some tension. Can somebody talk to me about all this. Jim
Ria
2/9/2023 01:51:44
Thank you for sharing. I am very sorry for your loss. Very similar to my circumstances I recently lost my husband of 24 years and truly miss the intimacy. His touch, his kiss, his presence surrounding me with so much love. Prayers it will get better for us all who have loss tremendously!
Ranny
2/9/2023 18:37:28
I feel you! We were married 41+ years. My husband had cancer and fought like a warrior for 3 years and our sex life up until the final 2 weeks was strong and amazing and he never quit holding me. Telling me I was beautiful or that he loved me. He was 64. I was 66. I am not interested in old men with false teeth looking for a care giver. I want a man 35 to 50 who wants to have fun abd just enjoy sex. If something else comes of it great, if not great. If it is a sin, well I"ll see ya all in h$#l!
erica
27/8/2023 05:42:23
I have widows fire. i am 25 and he was 29 my husband of 4 years we were so young so much more life to live together. i miss his touch and i’ll sleep with anyone to feel connected to anyone but it’s so out of my character. i feel so guilty and ashamed everyday. i miss my husband so much. i am struggling everyday as our 4 babies are all under 6! how do i get out of this widows fire ?
Leon
20/9/2023 19:51:16
I'm 40, a loving relationship with my wife. I could not imagine going through this... I love my wife better than anyone else ever could, it's sad to think about how much she may miss me when I'm dead. Better to make the times we have that much more amazing. I'm so sorry for everyone here, truly. Never settle for anything less than amazing. Better to be alone with the memories than to sully them. Of course, easy for me to say. Much love everybody!
Astvt
31/12/2022 01:52:28
I had widow's fire as soon as my partner passed away. We had been separated for a month prior. I ended up going and seeing an ex 2 days after his ceremony and stayed with him for 2 days before going home. The amount of scrutiny and judgement didn't matter to me, the amount of peace and joy in such an aweful time was worth it.
Steph
16/1/2023 04:53:01
I believe I have widows fire but it is ongoing. I don't remember but apparently I went after a friend of ours right after my husband passed and he hasn't left my side yet. I feel guilty but I can't be without him. I'm so confused and my heart hurts everyday. I miss my husband so very much but I've fallen for our friend also. 😭😭I wish my hubby had never left me. I miss him so much
Amy
16/1/2023 22:28:23
I have exactly the same thing. I feel terrible guilt and grief, and love and passion at the same time. I question every thought running through my head.
Mark
18/3/2023 13:43:25
I understand Amy
Janine
20/6/2023 15:16:25
I definitely have widows fire and 2 weeks ago, my feelings for my husbands best friedn shifted. We went out on Saturday night and got totally drunk and he ended up coming back to my house and we made-out. I am so flipping confused. The guilt I feel, but yet I actually enjoyed it. I don't know, this is all so confusing.
Jasmine
23/1/2023 02:28:30
Steph, this friend sounds like he or she has a lot of love for both of you. It can be so difficult to navigate a new relationship while mourning the old but it can be healing too. Your love for someone else doesn’t mean you didn’t love your husband. You still do and always will. It doesn’t mean you can’t love your friend because you still love your husband. It means that love doesn’t follow a metric system. When we lose a loved one they are not replaced - your heart grows stronger and larger to hold them, the grief and your ongoing life and new loves. Think about when people have a child and then another. Love grows to hold everything new (it doesn’t shrink). And if you really consider it - would anyone who loved you, truly, ever want you to close off your heart? No. We must navigate the world with open hearts - even when those hearts are wounded. You will find great compassion for others doing this. And an open heart leads to understanding and often love. Continue to honor yourself and your husband by leaning in to all the feelings of living with your open heart. There is no black and white - only gray.
David
26/2/2023 10:43:46
I am currently seeing a widow of 9 mo's. Her husband was a wonderful person. She is pressuring me to start a long term relationship after only 9 days. I really enjoy her company. But I just want/ need a friend first. We have not had sex. She is conflicted about her desires for sex but her christian beliefs say no. I am perfectly fine not having sex. I want her to know me as a true friend first. I do not want to rush her grieving process in any way I am afraid she is trying to rush our relationship because of her age(45). Or she desires sex but her beliefs dictate married first. All I know is she is a wonderful person and I care for her. I also didn't join a dating site to hook up quickly. I need a friend first. I need to know we know each other better. I grieved 12 years before I dated anyone. And I am not a widow. My partner and I simply separated. My new partner was married over twenty years and is already to proceed towards marriage. We also vary greatly concerning our religious beliefs but she doesn't seem to care. I want to be a good friend. Is there any way I can say we need to slow down because I fear she is still hurting deeply without hurting her? I know I wrote a lot. I just don't know who or where I can talk about this.
Allison
1/5/2023 18:13:08
Very well said Jasmine.
Jade Bushell-Murray
26/8/2023 22:44:24
What a great answer! I lost my hubby 7 months ago and now I know why I act the way do. I am addicted to turn men on by performing intimate acts with myself. Not interested in intercourse with the men. Just watching me. Felt so ashamed and awful yet confident and eased the pain of missing him so very much. Thank you for your comment. I feel a whole lot better now.
Eva Henriquez
26/1/2023 22:37:59
I met someone a month a half after my spouse passed away January 2022. I still feel guilt for it because I told myself and others, it would ve awhile until I get back into a relationship. Then this guy showed up. I still smile and blush when I see him. March 2022 will be 1 year for us. But not a days goes by that I dont think about my husband. Always will.. I love him with my whole heart still..
Cindy Vinoski
7/5/2023 23:25:35
I am 74 and renewed an acquaintance of 40 years who lost his wife the year prior. He came to console and comfort me but found he was still grieving also and over the last 5 months we have become a support system for one another and are find great consolation in each other along with the companionship at meals, watching TV listening to music, or just having conversations on the phone. We both agree that we are now much better off than at the beginning. A sorrow shared is a sorry divided.
Gina
3/6/2023 08:03:42
I found someone one new after 5 1/2 months and feel I can love them both I smile every time I see him. He is such a gentlemen he tells me how ever I need to grieve it is ok with him.
Aimée
3/2/2023 21:07:43
I have a very similar situation. Nothing has happened yet but we talk about it a lot. And actually I just want my husband back.
Mark
18/3/2023 15:57:02
My wife Aimee passed away in November of 2022 I miss her immensely and struggle. Every day without her I’m 52 and hate being lonely but I know no one can replace her death of a spouse is so frustrating
Ali
28/3/2023 17:19:42
I am soooo glad I have found out that this isn't uncommon. I have felt so bad about my desire for intimacy. I lost my husband in Sept 2022 to a 21 month battle of several health issues. My "fire" was awakened after only 3 months and continues but I'm struggling with the guilt. I'm 52 and want to 'live".
Samantha
22/3/2023 03:32:16
Don’t feel bad at least it’s not your brother-in-law that has a wife… Unfortunately, both of us have linked into grief sex for our loved one… As our healing
Fredrick
30/4/2023 17:13:20
I'm up for anything
Donna Langle
22/1/2023 01:34:09
After it was all over, 5 years since my hubby died I wonder if getting involved isn’t part of denial part of grief. My mind says never again, but I sure think of having a boyfriend sometimes. Hard to be solo all the time.
Jasmine
23/1/2023 02:16:25
I became a 36 year old widow unexpectedly one day after my husband died of aortic dissection. No illness. No preparation. One day we were living a beautiful and fulfilling life and the and in an instant it was over. I have two kids. The shock, pain, grief and PTSD was overwhelming. I didn’t sleep for more than an hour a day for the first three months. Over 14 months later and I still don’t sleep beyond four hours a day. But as this article suggests I didn’t sleep until after taking a lover. I used to cry when my therapist would hug me at the end of my twice weekly sessions. I started taking to an ex from 20 years ago that had always stayed in contact and he provided me with a lot of emotional support. He stayed up until 3am and 4am on the phone talking to me everyday and night. With great trepidation I asked him to become my lover with a lot of ground rules. I discussed my needs so transparently and openly - like I had never done in my life before. Perhaps it was widows fire but also grief. There was no point - I thought - in not taking the risk to ask for exactly what I needed because living was so painful already. Please know before beginning this journey, I talked to a trusted family member, another widow, and a therapist to be sure I was staying safe. Their reassurance was so appreciated. I found that this was more common than I imagined and it could be healing. I asked my ex to performed several rituals (tests) to be sure he would be compassionate without compromising my grieving process. These were simple things like talking to safe people in his life to be sure he was considering this clearly, meeting at least three times without sexual contact to be sure I felt physically safe. An STD test. And some thoughtful discussions. Finally setting some boundaries and even writing each other letters about our motives for doing this to read when we would “uncouple” to hopefully maintain the long friendship we still had. Our physical intimacy coupled with his emotional support helped me survive. We did cross boundaries I originally set up. This was the downside and there were some difficulties and complicated feelings. We also found there was a lot of love still there from years ago. I have struggled with becoming a couple and other people’s opinions but grief stripped away all that’s really unimportant. I loved my husband and love him still and I love my boyfriend and that he understands my grief. For those who may be in this place - setting boundaries and being safe can be very helpful. Someone who understands your grief is very important. I leaned in to all I was feeling (good and bad) and had guidance from a therapist. This helped immensely.
Christina
3/2/2023 04:02:58
I became a 36 year old widow unexpectedly with two kids. I felt like you were describing me at first. I’m almost 7 months in and still don’t know cause of death but my husband and I had a really good sex life and I miss it.
Jasmine
6/4/2023 17:11:31
Hi Christina, I'm so glad that my story resonated with you. Sometimes I feel the more I share my story the more I am able to take the journey towards healing. I don't want Tom to be forgotten and often I feel I live as two people inside one body. I carry him with me. Perhaps being married and together for nearly all of our adults lives creates this new reality. For a long time, I have not been certain that my actions, preferences or even tastes are solely my own or somehow comingled with his. Moving forward being the only direction available to us widows, I'm now at the point where I'm searching to find a meaning for this new life. You are not alone - for whatever peace may bring you - you are not alone.
Precious
14/8/2023 21:37:39
I became a widow at the age of 30 we have to most amazing beautiful daughters...it's been a year already but it feels like I am still re- living everything that happened when he was ill ...yes I do sometimes feel the need for sex and I have told myself that I am never going to fall for someone else cause the pain I feel and still feel I don't think anyone can handle so with regards to the sexual feelings I use sex toys and I am doing just fine with them I don't want to complicate my life and of my kids maybe this is what the lord has intended for me to be alone
C.K.
11/9/2023 04:29:22
Christina,
Allison
1/5/2023 18:18:44
Oh how I wish I could do this. I've tried and unfortunately he has fallen madly in love with me.
M.J.
3/7/2023 13:48:05
I just wanted to say I can relate to your story. I lost my beautiful wife of 35 years (35 as a couple) to aortic dissection just over a year ago. Holding her hand one minute at the hospital then watching them try to resuscitate her the next. Complete state of shock,like I’d bee ripped in two.She was our family’s anchor,myself and 3 kids were devastated,still struggling. The sleep disturbances,problems eating, depression, anger and just going through the motions. Feeling guilty over desires. Finally feel like I’m ready to live again, been talking to a new friend,very casual but makes me feel hope again.
Sally
16/2/2023 12:33:29
I first experienced this a year and a half after my husband died. It was like some kind of light switch one off. I can't sleep I can't concentrate I couldn't do anything. I started masturbating every morning just to be able to get through the day but that wasn't enough understand these feelings I didn't want these feelings I didn't know what to do with these feelings. 20/5/2023 18:36:33
I am going through the same feelings as you are and I just cannot get over it. Understand this it is okay to be confused as we don't get to practice up for this!!! 20/5/2023 19:22:04
What I'm trying to say is you Sally have not fully recovered if that is even possible for anybody in our situation and I'd be willing to bet that you have not thrown out his pillow out of your bed yet also it is okay to talk with me if you like
Catherine Rohl
16/2/2023 18:38:50
I lost my husband last year. I met a fellow cyclist on my bike trail (he bikes. There every winter, so see him occasionally or daily too). I have fallen head over heels for this guy. It's only been a month since we started talking at our respective cars at the bike parking lot but he's SO sexy and kind. I don't know whether he's even interested in me or just being nice. He said he's divorced a year ago. I feel like I'm going crazy. I loved my husband so much but can't get this guy out of my head. I dream about him, try to catch up to him on the bike (can't do it, he's too fast lol), trying to lose more weight, wearing makeup again, etc. It's been all consuming. I don't know what to do. I try to stay busy but he's on my mind even then.
C.K.
11/9/2023 04:37:16
Catherine,
Tammie
20/2/2023 13:12:48
I had the same about 6 months later. It was all consuming and morphed into an unhealthy cycle of trying to remember the last time we had sex before he died. I got it into my head that he might have reached out and I rejected/put it off as I was tired. I don’t think that was the case, as I would only rarely say no. But it was an unhealthy and distressing chain of thinking.
Melinda
20/2/2023 14:56:17
Thank you for this. I’m 42 and lost my 41 year old husband of 10 years in October. We had no children and it was sudden due to a heart attack. We had been together for 4 years before we got married. Although I’ve found support through my grief journey in general, this is an area where I’m beginning to struggle. 14 years of intimacy, and loving sex all of a sudden gone, and people don’t speak on it. I don’t just crave sex, but physical touch in general, so the vibrator alone for me just doesn’t do it. I’m trying to allow myself time, but thanks for putting a name to what I’m feeling. I got a massage last weekend and just someone touching me was welcome…
Catherine M Rohl
20/2/2023 19:39:09
I really wish I had people who understood what we are feeling and going through. I never knew there was such a condition like widows fire until I ended up struggling with it. No one understands. Thank you for a safe place to talk about this unknown struggle.
Thabi
1/5/2023 14:03:47
Interesting. I never knew there was a term for it but I did and believe am still craving for this intimacy. The mistake I did was to allow a friend of over 20yrs who had remained somewhat close over the years who reached out and I did feel cared for. His hugs were an enjoyable torture. I believe I ended up ‘falling’ for him even though he was at crossroads in his life - potential divorce in the works. I am pro-marriage and actually advised him to work it out but I felt hurt terribly after he ‘ghosted’ me after four months off being together. I’m at a point where I don’t think I can trust another men again. I had an awesome husband and a very healthy marriage of 14yrs. Missing him is simply an understatement. I didn't know there was a thing called widows fire, don't know if this is my problem. All I know is my late wife of 23 yrs has left such a hole that I don't believe I will ever be the same. I miss her voice, touch, smell, her clinginess and of course sex. Our sex life was off the charts but because of her illness, those moments became few and far between. It's been almost 2 years and I would love to have someone to hug, talk with, laugh with, just be myself around. At 44, I miss the sex but as a minister, I guess that's out of the question until I remarry. Problem with that is finding someone that fits me. I'm looking but it's harder than I could have ever imagined. My dad taught me how to take care of a wife, my mom taught me how to treat a wife and my wife taught me how to love a wife. Not bragging, but I'm good at it and I miss being a husband. I'm still grieving even though I try not too, but I'm also tired of being alone.
Ash
13/6/2023 02:16:22
Wow I really feel this! My hubby passed 10/2022 he was a pastor. He had colon cancer that led him to being bed ridden for over a year. I had been missing our sex life. After reconnecting with a childhood friend that I was very much attracted to me and me to him we had sex. It’s happened 2x, I’m so ashamed but I couldn’t control myself.
Tamika
2/7/2023 09:54:47
I lost my husband 2 years ago also. It's OK to still grieve, I don't believe we'll ever stop...it jist wont be as frequent. As a minister you very well know as I do to put all our faith into God as we heal. In your single season he recreating you for a special assignment (that's how I've survived, believing that) theres purpose in everything and His plan is perfect. If God wants you to remarry one day, you'll know when she arrives. He is preparing her as well as preparing you. Please remain abstinent and not give into desires of the flesh, that is the best gift you can give. One day you will find someone who fits you! Don't settle due to being lonely.
C.K.
11/9/2023 04:41:37
Melinda,
Keith
20/2/2023 21:46:15
As a guy I had the same type of feelings. It just wasn’t about the sex, but the intimacy that I missed more. Just being able to lay next to someone and talk about anything, not just sex. She was the only woman I was with and married for 37 years. Now being a guy it feels like women are even more careful of who they go out with, and should be. But it’s even harder to find a woman who just wants sex without a commitment, which is ok . But eventually I’m looking for that LTR.
Ivette Padilla
26/2/2023 04:55:14
Hi there!
Denise
15/5/2023 15:35:21
How's it going ?
Tammy
19/8/2023 13:47:00
My story is alot like yours. I lost my husband 03/03/2023. We were married 37 years as well. I know about the fire which I haven't done anything about, but what I miss most is just being held or just a passing touch. I'm 56 years old and a larger size woman and don't know the first thing about dating, because my husband is the only man i've ever been with. it's kina of scary. When I met him I was 16 and not a large girl. How do we move on.
Freedom
22/2/2023 06:57:00
Hi I lost my partner last year, in a motorcycle accident it is coming up a year next month, we have 2 sons together and had been together for nearly12years. I have just turned 30 in December, I have been going threw widows fire I didn’t even know this was a thing, it’s nice to know I’m not alone, I love my partner so much and I wish I wasn’t even going threw this. I feel crazy, people are judging me I live in a small town and we are both well known. Think you for sharing this it’s given me so much reassurance thank you.
Catherine Rohl
22/2/2023 10:29:48
Yeah, I feel like I'm going crazy with this "longing." My family really doesn't understand. They want to help but say things that don't help, like "maybe if you get a job or volunteer you'll be distracted by it" or "talk to a therapist " or " find a hobby." This desire or Widow's Fire gets so strong that even those wouldn't make a dent. My problem too is, the object of my attention is not interested in a relationship or anything else right now. They went through a divorce last year and say they are still "reeling " from that. Wish I could help take both our minds off it!
Anon
26/4/2023 10:29:30
Freedom, firstly, I’m so sorry for your loss.
Ivette Padilla
26/2/2023 04:56:29
I already did
Nolee
8/3/2023 04:11:04
My husband has only been gone 17 days but I find myself already craving a little strange... We had a great marriage so I have very mixed feelings about this, especially guilt, but one of his friends has been looking out for me and I've been thinking...
Victor Moore
30/3/2023 01:24:51
My wife passed away 14 days ago and feel same way. It's been so difficult
Angela
15/4/2023 18:07:39
OMG same here. 3 weeks and I didn’t know what I’ve been experiencing the last few days is a “thing”. I’ve been hanging around with one of our single guy friends that I’ve always had a harmless crush on and I think it might be mutual. The “fire” is so strong and I don’t want to ruin a friendship by asking him to cross a line, but I actually feel we are way more compatible than I was with my fiancé. I’m trying to hold off but if anything does happen I plan to keep it a secret from friends and family for a while.
john
11/3/2023 03:58:47
. I have been a Widow for a month now . I miss the Intemacy so bad . I would feel like im cheating on her if I went out and got some strange . I dont know what to do . I just need attention badly
Denise
15/5/2023 15:38:24
How is it going ? I’m 63 and was widowed 12 years ago when my husband suicided. I have not had a lover yet even though for many years I’ve had widows fire - I managed it on my own. I’m concerned that my body very much does need sexual intercourse to remain healthy. I could be ready for that if I found a partner but am really scared to on-line date.
Joel
17/5/2023 14:51:06
Hi Theresa,
Dianne
21/3/2023 13:08:47
I am a widow of three years he passed of cancer n we both had no sex desire after the numerous surgeries, chemo etc . I did not feel it was safe to have sex with all those meds in his body n he could not get an erection. I am hyper sexual so I wanted it for years . When he passed I was desperate for sex but didn’t meet with anyone till 6 months later n it was good but the love was not there so for me not what I wanted. But now three yrs later I am remarried n we have a spicy sex life it’s just plain unhealthy for me to not have sex .
Pamela
30/3/2023 14:26:36
Very informative comments, I experience all of these especially the guilty feeling if i were to do something. it's been 3 months since I lost my husband of 32 yrs and not having him here physically hurts so bad..We'd been together since he was 18 and I was 17 and married 4 years later. He passed from congestive heart failure 12/28/22.at home..The kids are adults and have their own homes. Glad I found this ,thank you
Jayne
9/7/2023 14:30:54
Your story parallels mine so closely. The ages and dates and years are so similar. I’m so thankful I found out about widow’s fire, because I thought I was falling in love with a close friend. When he’s around it’s no big deal, but when he’s gone, my desire goes crazy. I’m at a pivotal point, though, do I tell him I’m having these feelings and can he help talk me through them? Would a kiss be enough? Could we have sex with no strings attached? I’m an emotional person, so is that even possible? Oh, geez. I’m afraid of ruining a friendship, but I need it so bad, that my brain is telling me,”Yeah, you’ll be fine, just go have sex with your friend”. Do I try and talk to him about it? This is torture.
Julie
5/4/2023 06:32:15
This is not who I am... I have never acted this way, I would had never done these things! But, then again I ask myself - WHO AM I? I don't know this women anymore, a
Faye
8/4/2023 08:19:19
Omg. It's after midnight. I can't sleep. I got up to read about widow's fire again and found this site. My husband of 28 years passed a little over 6 weeks ago from ALS. I had read about widow's fire before his death and remembered that I wanted so much to have someone for sex and to hold me at night for a couple of days right after my dad passed.
Faye
8/5/2023 07:11:17
So it's been just about a month since I wrote this. I want to clarify that I was with my husband for 30 years, was faithful to him. He was all I ever wanted. When I see pictures of him, the realization strikes me of how wonderful he was and how I will never have that life again.
Sandy
12/8/2023 10:08:20
My husband if 29 years died in February of 2023. He was my rock. The only person I’ll ever love and trust. I’m 61 years old.
Tanya Garcia-Dibble
12/4/2023 02:07:28
My partner and I weren't officially married but we were together for 15 years. He was my soulmate, we matched each other so well it was uncanny. To us, we felt married, and we were. My husband passed away in March of last year, suddenly. He was only 43 years old, 6 years my senior. I loved him so very much we took care of each other, we were best friends. When he passed his best friend called me one day and then from that day we talked on the phone every day. He lived in another state and 4 months after my husband passed I drove to see his best friend. I didn't plan on anything to happen between us. It's just felt nice to talk to someone on a more personal level. And I missed being held at night and he filled that for me. I did feel guilty afterwards, I felt like I had cheated on my husband. He offered a place for me to stay if I wanted and I accepted, I had to get away from the city that held so many memories. My mother-in-law was not happy, and because my husband didn't have a will and we weren't officially married and the state we lived in didn't recognize common law, she took his entire estate from me. She hasn't spoken to me since, and she was mad at me for moving away. I tried to explain to her that losing Roth hurt so much more than when I lost my Mom, and she passed when I was 19. I just couldn't live in that city anymore, so I sold my house and I left. It's been a rough and tough year, but I've passed the one year mark and now I am in a relationship with my husband's best friend. We fight so much, we've broken up and gotten back together many times. And it's not his fault per se, it's all mine, I end up self sabotaging and it makes us both miserable. We do care for each other and love each other. We do our best to not go to bed angry but, I just don't know why I am acting this way. It feels like I'm losing blocks of time and every fight is a blur. I'm trying to be better but it's difficult, I don't know how much longer he will be able to take, or I but, we are holding on. It is getting better a little bit everyday.
Jack
13/4/2023 01:14:18
I had no idea that there was such a thing as "widows fire". It totally makes sense now. So many of these comments, especially from men which I find heartening, address intimacy as their main focus rather than the sex. Exactly the same with me.
Allison
1/5/2023 18:37:16
My late husband basically drank himself to death too. You sound like me... I'm in love with being in love. I miss the intimacy and companionship desperately BUT I'm trying my hardest to fall back in love with myself. Have you looked into Al-Anon meetings. I've been to them in the past and hoping to start going to some again (it's difficult for me as I live 70 miles from the nearest one).
Sonia
13/4/2023 20:27:20
I was married for 24 years didn't have sex for more than 3 years as our marriage was over long time before he got diagnosed with colon cancer. He past away 3 months ago. Graving love and intimacy that i didn't experience as I was always denied as he knew he then had control over me. I have a good friend who also lost his wife 8 months ago he takes me out to dinner and even wants us to go away on weekends but I am sacred as he is older than me and don't want to be in a controlled relationship. Were you going whose sending you messages and I am longing for proper sex i want to be desired. I’m 54 and my husband and best friend passed 3 months ago. We had a fantastic intimate life almost up until he died from pancreatic cancer. I too feel this need being described here and never knew it had a name. Man it’s so comforting to know this is an actual thing. I go through each day sizing up several men I see wondering if they would be suitable. Men I know I’ll never meet. I actually have 3 men I’m speaking to socially that I know for a fact are interested in me but I’m trying to think this through logically. The thing is - the love, respect and friendship I had with my husband most likely will never be replaced. He was very well loved. Over 400 people at his service. Needless to say he is a hard act to follow. The last thing I want to do is be sorry for some impulse not resisted. And I fear I would be sorry if I had a casual night of sex with someone just to fill this void.I also don’t want to hurt anyone who may want to become close as I know I’m not ready to give myself wholly to anyone right now - maybe never again. That hard truth is something I’m not running from but praying and thinking my way through. My faith is strong and it sustains me now. When my husband started to become more ill he pointed at the crucifix that hangs on our bedroom wall and said if he can do that - then I can go through this. It inspired me then and still bolsters me now. All I know is when and if I decide to be with someone it will be someone who I care for and respect. Just don’t think any other way will work. Thank you to all those who have commented on here and showed me I’m not alone. May God bless you and keep you on your journeys.
Lowary A Barrett
23/4/2023 17:58:30
Omg, I thought for sure something was wrong with me. As, immediately after my husband's passing I have been having this strong urge for sexual intimacy. I had to cross my legs. That only made it worse. I was feeling so damn guilty that I was having these lascivious thoughts all day everyday. I was asked my doctor if he thought I needed to be institutionalized. He laughed and said it was part of the grieving process. I have also lost the desire to eat, and can only eat yogurt. Everything else makes me sick. I am so enlightened to know there really is a name for my feelings. I am glad I ran across this site. Thank you.
Allan Stewart
26/4/2023 23:24:36
Hi I’m 54 year old Male and lost my wife 10 weeks ago with Grade 4 brain tumours she only got 3 and a half months from diagnosis . I’m definitely suffering from Widows fire we had a very active sex life but as most other guys on here are saying it’s mostly the general intimacy that I’m missing but do feel very guilty about even thinking about sex with anyone else so haven’t done anything about it yet but the fire is definitely present in fact if truth to be told I wouldn’t know where or when to start looking
Denise
15/5/2023 15:42:03
I hope.tjonhs are better for you x
Sam
28/4/2023 00:39:04
6 months ago I lost my wife of 21 years - alcoholism. My heart goes out to everyone who is suffering from this type of loss. Our marriage had been strained for the last several years. I've been alone for 6 months, but lonely for much longer. I miss my friend, partner and co-parent in ways i never would have imagined. i feel so desperate sometimes for physical contact- a genuine romantic embrace, but the more I imagine it the more i see myself collapsing into an emotional heap- completely overwhelmed- and thats not good! Its not something i want to do or put anyone else through. Sadly, I know i'm not healed enough to attract the right partner. I think any woman I attract would be an attempt to fix me- and I think thats a likely doomed relationship with 1 or both of us ending up hurt. At 53, I believe I just have to do the work on myself first- but damn, grief and loneliness are a hateful pair. The thought of spending ..who knows how much longer alone...is crushing.
Allison
1/5/2023 18:50:12
I sooo know what you are going through. I am 52 and lost my husband to alcoholism just over 7 months ago. His death hasn't affected as bad as I thought it would (at least not yet?) It was the 21+ months of watching him slowly die that killed me.
Bill
6/6/2023 13:03:29
It's been 14 months since my wife passed unexpectedly and this comment is exactly how I feel. It is crushing and lonely.
Kelly
1/5/2023 10:28:40
My husband died 3 weeks ago suddenly and unexpectedly, so i am a 25 year old widow we had 2 kids. I found out the day after he died that he was cheating on me when away for work and i found countless dating sites where he would talk to anyone and anything looking for sex when he was away for work. The man he was with when he died was an old friend from work, we have connected and i asked him round this weekend (3 weeks since my husbands passing). We had sex and really good sex. I feel so horrible for wanting it the desire is uncontrollable i feel like a little school girl. We have no connection, nothing in common, purely just sex and affection. Why do i feel so guilty?!
Faye
8/5/2023 14:43:59
Put yourself first and be true to yourself. Life’s too short to worry about what others think. If they love you, they will understand and support you. I am terriblely afraid of men, my husband passed 2-28-23. I miss him so terribly I want to die. I find I want to live and have men friends but so afraid of what is on their minds. I miss the sex my husband and I had together and I don’t know who to trust. I miss my Freddie so much & all I do is cry. I am 73 and too old to date anymore.
Faye
8/5/2023 15:12:45
You’re NOT too old to date. See my comments above. Our husband’s passed about the same time. Please know that you’ll see Freddie again but you are here and now and he is on his own journey. You have a new journey in the next chapter of your life.
Denise
15/5/2023 15:31:34
Never too late x
Joel
17/5/2023 14:57:00
Hi Suzanne, it's never too late to date.
Rebecca
14/5/2023 18:39:45
I am so glad I found this blog and read the comments. I am 63 years old. My husband of 43 years passed away 3 years ago after a long illness. We were teenagers when we married and we were each other's "first". Because of his illness we had not had sex for a couple of years before his death. Lots of holding and touching, but no sex. After his death I resigned myself to never having sex again. I couldn't imagine being intimate with anyone but him. Suddenly, 3 days ago, I felt like I needed sex NOW and since then I have been in a constant state of just on the edge of orgasm. It was during my search to figure out what is "wrong" with me that I found out it is Widow's Fire and very normal. I thought menopause was debilitating. This is much worse! My beliefs don't allow for sex outside of marriage. I hope this heightened libido subsides soon, or I will not be able to function.
Myridean
14/5/2023 19:58:05
Firstly, thank you so much for writing this article. This is not a topic they cover at bereavement support meetings.
Joel
17/5/2023 14:53:59
Hi .
Joel
17/5/2023 14:54:36
Hi .
Lulu
15/5/2023 15:01:35
If you are a suffering from 'widows fire' please don't prey on other people's relationships. Buy a vibrator. I am angry with a woman who rings my partner for sympathy. They had history growing up. Now she is lonely and RICH she thinks she can rekindle a fire. He rings her too. I've told him straight he had better pack that in, he wouldn't stand that kind of behaviour from me, not that I would ever betray him. He says I am being childish. When I told him I will ring her myself and let her know what the time it is, he shut up. Everybody has to deal with grief one day but it's cruel and unfair to take your grieving out on other people. Women usually end up alone anyway so get used to it. If you truly loved your husband you wouldn't soil his memory by breaking up another couple. Find a single man at least.
Claire
1/6/2023 17:17:21
I experienced Widow’s Fire three and a half years after my husbands death. We were married for 25 years. I have been in a mutually beneficially arrangement with a man for two months now and my friends don’t understand why we aren’t a couple! At 46 I’m amazed that my body can still react this way, especially after my husbands horrific and traumatic death (not natural). I’m absolutely, unashamedly, enjoying the teasing texts and the sex. At first I was worried as my actions have been out of character, but after some self analysis I realised that not only is what I’m going through a natural part of grief, and normal for a woman my age, but also the meds I’m on for the PTSD also increase my libido. The arrangement I have might not be conventional but I’m not having a string of one night stands, still running my own business, and raising two children. So I am going to enjoy it for as long as it lasts and when it’s over I will leave with happy memories and a smile on my face. One thing I have learnt is that there are not that many young widows and when you’ve lost a spouse to violence there is little to nobody around who can relate to your experience and therefore there is not a lot of understanding. Grieving the death of a spouse, your soulmate, your everything, is so different to the other grief I have experienced. My rule, which I invented for myself is simple; if your not harming yourself or others, and are being responsible, then follow your heart.
Sandy
14/8/2023 00:04:34
My experience is very similar to yours. Except I’m older (61) and my husband had only been gone since February.
Meme
12/6/2023 05:36:57
I'm glad there is a name for this, and I am glad that I am not the only one feeling this. I thought I was broken, more then normal. Could not figure out why I wanted to be intimate. this soon after loosing my husband I sit her weeping as I type this out. As it's only been 2 weeks and I feel terrible for wanting sex. I wish he was here. And I do not understand why I want sex at a time like this! See he had been battling cancer for 5 years and 2 weeks ago lost his battle. The last 7 months we were not intimate he just had no drive at all. And watching him suffer I also had no drive. I have no acted on these feelings, and I'm not sure I can as it all is just to soon. But my body craves it and I been bearing myself up for allowing what I was sure were shameful feelings.
Sue
7/7/2023 15:32:31
I didn’t realize there is actually a term for this but I have been going through this for the last year or so. My husband passed from a massive heart attack 26 months ago. It seems all I think about lately is sex. I have not acted on the feelings yet but have flirted with and made out with two different men which is not me. I was married 30+ years and we were very happy. I still miss my LH so much and the wanting makes me feel guilty sometimes. At least now I know it’s just another facet of grief. Very glad I found your blog!
Tricia
24/7/2023 23:14:20
I desperately need this fire to be put out. I don’t want to be like this, I loved my husband but I’m so horny I do things I’m ashamed of and my husband would be ashamed of me,
Sandy
6/8/2023 07:42:50
I was widowed for the first time when I was 21. I had 2 young children, a job working with developmentally disabled adults, and no friends in the town I lived in. I was extremely lonely and felt like I also needed some adult stimulation. I went to another town, much larger, to a bar that my husband and I had once gone to. I met a girl and her boyfriend who had some friends and made them my friends. This was 5 months after my husband passed. I invited them to my house for dinner and cards. My husband's parents happened to show up a few minutes before they arrived. They didn't come together. One of the guys showed up first, while we were out back talking. They noticed right away and gave me a look. I was so embarrassed, yet I couldn't talk to them about how I was feeling. I didn't remarry until 7 years later after one relationship that lasted 3 years. I ended up marrying a military friend of his. That marriage lasted 13 years, ending in divorce. I remarried for the third time when I was 44 yo and he was 65. He was of a different era, different manners, treated me very well, or so I thought. He passed away 2 years ago this month, and I found out so many things that he had hidden from me. We were married for 17 years. The intimacy and sex life had been pretty nonexistent for the last 10 years. Even though, I had remained faithful to him, and he to me, I believed we still loved each other. So many things hidden from me... I just didn't understand why he felt that he had to be that way. So my grief was mixed. I was so angry with him for what he withheld from me, but still love him and still miss him. I haven't had any sex with anybody since, but still have desires, just no opportunity to meet anyone who hasn't been a liar, a thief or a druggie. I'm 63. I guess I just don't see it happening anytime soon.
Nina
8/8/2023 17:31:49
I am so glad to have found this site and all these comments to see that other people go through this as well.I hope it's okay for me to share even though my girlfriend and me were not married but I experience that fire.I lost my girlfriend a little over a month ago by suicide. It was so sudden and such a shock. She never came out to her family so I couldn't even grieve surrounded by her loved ones. I miss her so much every day. But lately I have been feeling such a need for sex and intimacy. Last week I went and had a one night stand and started crying during it and felt so guilty about it. Yet I still have these needs and want the intimacy. I just want her back, want her touch but I know that's not possible. I'm scared to talk to friends about this since I'm scared of getting judged. All of these emotions are so confusing and I feel so lonely and I just want my girlfriend back. She made my life so much better and happier in such a short amount of time and I don't know if I'll ever be able to feel this way for someone again. I've never felt the kind of love I feel for her for anyone else.
JP
17/8/2023 23:04:01
Oh my goodness that is awful. Equally so glad to have found this website and hear my feelings are not totally insane. My husband died 18 days ago there are no words to describe the loss. I can't sleep hardly and I feel like I'm thinking about sex and potential partners all the time. The practicalities of who, when, where. When there is so much more important things I need to do, being now a single parent of 2. I also realised that while we have been together for 25 years. The 4 years before we got together and I was dating, I was never alone then either. I went from one to another to another relationship. So I realise its not healthy and I realise I have a significant need to be touched and sexually active. Even if our sex life wasn't always full steam ahead, there was always the option. But now, not. So glad to be reading all these comments. Big love to you all.
Faye
14/8/2023 05:59:48
I'm so so sorry.
Karl
18/8/2023 22:55:50
I lost my wife Cheri just over a month ago. I feel like I'm such a bad person for wanting sex and some kind of caresses. Someone to hold me. I'm such a douche. I don't ever want to go through this again. So I masterbate instead.
JP
19/8/2023 08:33:13
Karl, I'm sorry to hear about your wife. I have total empathy. My stomach clenches and I tremble any time I think about my husband., Day21 for me. I read somewhere, maybe on this site that we are craving affection and touch. So I am getting all the hugs I can and making them last way past normal hig times and I'm going to book a massage.Its either that or throw myself at the next man(or woman)who speaks to me and I don't think they'll appreciate being used let alone any fallout, as I do teach at the local secondary school!!! I keep telling myself this will pass. I know how you feel, I am bitterly sad and confused about the loss of my husband how can I be so horny. I've decided it's self preservation, it's something easier to deal with for my mind than the pain of losing him. But my god what I wouldn't do for sex right now...
Karl Taylor
20/8/2023 18:18:43
Thank you for your kind thoughts. Bless you in this time. My wife helped remind me to take my medicine for blood pressure and epilepsy now I don't have that anymore.
Rachael
19/8/2023 13:12:35
I have very recently become a wudiw ! I hate the word it's like spinister !!! The heart shattered...left with memories .
Kelly
20/8/2023 17:39:56
I’m so happy I found this because I was feeling insane for how horny I am. I’m about to masturbate for a second time today because the desire is consuming. My husband passed 2 months ago unexpected (and still unknown.) I’m 40 with 3 young kids so i definitely need to make wise decisions, so I’m very happy for my vibrator. No need to complicate things.
chocolate
22/8/2023 13:54:37
I became a widow at the age of 43 . I lost my husband of 9 years to suicide. He was the same age as me . I’m left with a 7 year old daughter . I started developing an increase in my libido the past couple of months. I’m bewildered and astonished at the same time . I feel ashamed and guilty after I self release myself. I kept thinking this is normal . Why am I being like this ? I shouldn’t be like this ! Until I came across this page . Thank you for sharing this . Now I know that I’m not an awful wife. I’m not looking for a sex partner nor a relationship. At least there’s a name to it what I’m going through. I know I have widow's fire. I lost my husband on March 23, 2023 after 41 year's of marriage. His death hit me so hard and deeply. It happened about a week after he past away. I actually had no idea what it was. The desire for sex left me thinking something was truly wrong with me. I felt so guilty, but the urge was so strong that I would cross my legs and press them so tightly trying to make the feeling go away. I honestly thought I was going crazy because the urge was so strong. I thought I would have to be institutionalized because I really felt like I was going crazy. I decided to look up my symptoms and came across the term widow's fire and started reading about it, and suddenly that light bulb went off in my head. I wasn't crazy and it wasn't that I wanted sex. I just missed the compassion and touch of my husband. I never cried so hard in my life. That urge lasted exactly one week and just like a switch it was turned off. I still get those urges every now and then, but I understand it better and have come to terms with it. I am 62 years old and it is so hard starting over again. However, I know that I have to. I still have all the beautiful memories of him and that is something that know one can take from me. Leave a Reply. |
AuthorI was widowed at 50 when Tim, who I expected would be my happy-ever-after following a marriage break-up, died suddenly from heart failure linked to his type 2 diabetes. Though we'd known each other since our early 20s, we'd been married less than ten years. Archives
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