Seven Deadly Sins of Widowhood: Lust (aka Widow's fire)

17/6/2022

Widow’s fire describes the (sometimes) uncontrollable and all-consuming desire for sex following bereavement.

When we lose our partner, particularly when we lose a partner young, we lose a lot of things. And one of those is the sex life that we had with our partner, either throughout the relationship or prior to them being ill. But it’s not just about losing the sex life we had. Grief and bereavement leave us with a void, and our libido can kick in to fill that void and provide us with the kick of feel-good neurotransmitters and hormones we need. Sex is also a distraction from grief, a way to take control back in our lives, a comfort, and something that makes us feel alive.

What to do when widow’s fire strikes? Masturbation releases the neurotransmitters and hormones, such as oxytocin, that make us feel good, and also helps sleep. But it’s not enough for everyone.

If you want and need sex, do what you want to do, what you need to do. Just remember that you are vulnerable. Be careful. Take steps to protect yourself, sexually, physically and psychologically. Don’t be affected by other people’s opinions or judgements. And whatever you do, understand that it does not make you a bad person, or have any reflection on the relationship that you had with your partner.

For some people, it’s not so much a craving for sex as a craving for intimacy. It’s the lack of touch. I remember going to a Pilates class and nearly crying when my tutor put her hand on my back to readjust the pose. I know it's not the same, but hugs from friends or family, or a good massage can help to fill the gap.

Other people can shut down completely, with their bodies blocking all sexual feelings, or they can feel disgusted at the idea of sex. If you don’t feel widow’s fire, or the thought of having sex ever again turns you off, you’re not doing it wrong, because everyone grieves in a different way.

186 Comments

Beth

15/7/2022 13:13:55

I had widows fire at 4 months after my hubby of 18 yrs died. I felt a great need for sex, tried to solve problem thinking I'll just pick someone up in the pub, but safety? Can't come back to mine, can't go back to theirs, disabled toilet perhaps in pub? Gosh I'm too old and respectful for this. So then I thought about paying a professional, a male prostitute? Did you know that you have to book for 2 hours, as they think women need more time to relax and talk a little first, whereas a man can book just one hour? Equality? I just needed an hour, believe me!

Jim

4/2/2023 21:15:39

Comment deleted

Diane

16/5/2023 17:40:17

Hi, i’m with Nora, and I regret it still 8yrs later. I broke my cardinal rule, I swore I’d never be with a married man.

Ilene Douglas

16/5/2023 01:04:28

At 74 I lost my husband of 55 years. Within 2 months a younger man bought my keurig. I guess he liked me and thought I was cute. Long story short….he pursued me for another 3 months…..texting…..then we met in person. He knew how old I was and liked our friendship but wanted more, as did I. I won’t go into details but this is the happiest I’ve been in many years. I know it’s not long term but damn, I don’t feel guilty or ashamed….just having a fun time! Having said that…..my kids, grandkids and great grandkids don’t need to know as I’m sure I would be judged!

Laura

15/10/2023 07:01:02

My husband has been gone 2 yrs. We were married 41 yrs. He had COPD and severe back pain. We stopped sexual relation for about 10 yrs due to his back pain. He wanted to but he couldn't and I would act like I didn't think it was a big deal. I hated seeing him feel inadequate. He was an amazing lover before his back injury. He was my world and I his. I've been wanting to be touched, hugged, kissed and f____d. I get painful aches between my legs and it's physically painful. I want to have an experience like yours. Just friends.

Evey Waldo

28/11/2023 15:11:29

Amen to all you said, As a woman near your age, I have to say I'm surprised and amazed at my body's response to my husband's death. I feel like a cat in heat, wanting to rub up against the next man I see. You're very lucky this younger man appeared in your life. I need to be held and touched and told I'm wonderful and beautiful. Today if possible!

Heidi

4/1/2024 01:53:12

Thanks for all of you. I thought I was weird, now I understand.

OldieLover

25/6/2024 09:35:59

It actually happened unnoticed, after the death of my dear neighbor (then 75 years old) I (38) helped her with a number of practical matters because her deceased husband had not arranged anything. By the way, she has no children.
After a while a 'fwb' came along, I was divorced and actually had no need for any woman.
Certainly not a woman who was almost twice my age and also almost twice as fat as me.
But she was a very sweet woman, who, as I later found out, is someone who loves love very much. And it later turned out that she is also a quite passionate woman, and out of curiosity about each other, she once tried regular sex, her need is so great that the invitation for this mainly comes from her.
It's been going on for three years now, it's still passionate.

Roxy

3/5/2025 04:56:01

Wow! That’s exactly what I want to happen to me!
Don’t want some old coot. Young would be wonderful.
How do I find this young man looking for an older lady?

Terry-Jo Lewis

19/5/2025 22:34:35

Ilene - I'm currently in this same situation... I lost my hubby of 38 years and after 18 months since he passed I have connected with a younger man. One who reaches out to my soul and spirit. He is currently deployed in the military but we love the connection. He's the same age as my adult kids... but we plan to get together when he is home. I don't want to tell my kids either but he also has an 8yo daughter and his wife was lost to cancer so we are both widows searching for connection... sooo many questions.... what if this does turn into something very serious.? Can I be a step -mom and raise another young child at my age? she's the same age as my own grandkids...I know I know one step at a time.... thank you for your story.

Ruby link

8/7/2023 19:53:43

I know I have widows fire my husband passed 3 20 23 of cancer. We had been together for 46 years married 45 years. I'm 63 and I know no one would want me. I had breast cancer in 2015 had both breast removed. I can't have reconstruction surgery because the surgeon was mad at the hospital and messed up my surgery. My kids think that I'm fine but I'm so lonely it hurts. My husband before he got sick would still treat me like he always had. He told me he wanted me not a body part. We always had a good sex life. I miss being held and kissed. No matter what he always called me beautiful. He was my world from the time I was 15 he was 18 .I know he was terrified he would love me first but it was him.

Melissa Selena Silvia

1/8/2023 03:32:20

Thank you so much for sharing! My husband passed a year ago. I had separated from him, stupidly, cuz he was working in TX so I only saw him two times in a year. I guess I got lonely and started dating a guy that lived near me. My husband tried to get me back. I feel like God knew he was gonna pass so he put me somewhere else for the actual death. I wasn't "allowed" to grieve when he passed but it's hitting now!! We were together for 25 years and best friends. He also always called me beautiful, even when I gained weight. I have major health problems but he stuck around. I'm struggling with the guilt of not being there when he passed and that he can't put his arms around me as I'm torn apart right now!!! Thank you for listening💗

Jim link

23/8/2023 22:37:16

Is it okay for a guy to chime in here. Lots of great honest and open discussion here and I really like it. My wife of 44 years died 2 years ago of COVID. I saw for sure by now I would have either a long-term girlfriend or be engaged or married. One girlfriend for 3 months no sex she slammed the door. Now I regret that I didn't grab her throw her on the bed, Good Christian man that I am. . Good night must I can't even get anybody to go to lunch with me. I even asked a lady who had a stroke and has recovered somewhat and has a hard time walking You want to go get coffee no want to go to a movie no Go to the beach no. Geez I can't even get a date with a cripple. I look in the mirror this morning to see if I had leprosy. The other day I started going down the naughty talk with somebody online and I couldn't believe I was doing that. In some weird way it kind of relieved some tension. Can somebody talk to me about all this. Jim

Ria

2/9/2023 01:51:44

Thank you for sharing. I am very sorry for your loss. Very similar to my circumstances I recently lost my husband of 24 years and truly miss the intimacy. His touch, his kiss, his presence surrounding me with so much love. Prayers it will get better for us all who have loss tremendously!

Ranny

2/9/2023 18:37:28

I feel you! We were married 41+ years. My husband had cancer and fought like a warrior for 3 years and our sex life up until the final 2 weeks was strong and amazing and he never quit holding me. Telling me I was beautiful or that he loved me. He was 64. I was 66. I am not interested in old men with false teeth looking for a care giver. I want a man 35 to 50 who wants to have fun abd just enjoy sex. If something else comes of it great, if not great. If it is a sin, well I"ll see ya all in h$#l!

Lacy

16/11/2023 04:25:36

Of course men will want you! We are so much more than our breast! Remember men need to have touch in their lives too! Find someone in your age group and go to lunch. Just take a step forward. I know my husband would want me to continue to "Live". I'm sure your would want the same! Do what makes you feel alive.

Kenneth

21/12/2023 20:00:52

You are still beautiful. I’ve never seen you, but I feel that you have a beautiful spirit. You deserve to be held and loved. Reach out!!

Nick Johnson

11/2/2024 14:06:12

How do you know know one wants you? …yet, please do not answer because you really do not know that. Be friends like you never have before. Get out. Have people over. you really have to fill the void. I don’t think there’s any other way to get over it. At least be socially intimate, and the rest may take care of itself. Simply being active with friends will help. Intimacy can come gradually out of that. Everybody wants somebody. The world wants you or you would not be here.

Notjustme1971 link

31/7/2024 19:12:43

I’ve been grieving for 2 years, widows fire from the beginning. I experiment with adult toys and self pleasure, still doesn’t replace the human touch. I met someone who has been a widower for 3 months. His passion is spot on. We understand each other. No judgement. It’s great when you can bond with someone with the same needs and desires as yours.

Janette

4/5/2025 15:07:05

Darling lady please come out of your shell and live. your partner wold have wanted you to live xx

erica

27/8/2023 05:42:23

I have widows fire. i am 25 and he was 29 my husband of 4 years we were so young so much more life to live together. i miss his touch and i’ll sleep with anyone to feel connected to anyone but it’s so out of my character. i feel so guilty and ashamed everyday. i miss my husband so much. i am struggling everyday as our 4 babies are all under 6! how do i get out of this widows fire ?

Leon

20/9/2023 19:51:16

I'm 40, a loving relationship with my wife. I could not imagine going through this... I love my wife better than anyone else ever could, it's sad to think about how much she may miss me when I'm dead. Better to make the times we have that much more amazing. I'm so sorry for everyone here, truly. Never settle for anything less than amazing. Better to be alone with the memories than to sully them. Of course, easy for me to say. Much love everybody!

andi

27/9/2023 09:34:53

hey erica I’m kinda in the same boat, 25 and my partner passed away unexpectedly…I feel so guilty because I slept with a casual friend very quickly but I couldn’t help it because raising toddlers is hard and I just needed reassurance I’m not going crazy :( my question is how are you feeling now?? hoping the best for you and yours

Veron

6/3/2024 20:50:37

I'm 32 yes and I just lost my wife of 4 years 4 months ago. The widow fire is real. I was maturbatung but I stopped. I had a few lady showing me interest but some how for me it feels too early. I had an old flame reignite from before I knew my wife. I am trying to be respectful but Christ-like but I'm also want to be selfish. I don't want to be that guy doe. But I really just want some sex and intimacy.

Rick link

1/4/2025 05:46:49

I am so sorry for your loss. You posted some time ago and I hope you have found someone. My wife and I were married 25 years. I am now retired but alone. I had relationships with 3 women but didn't work out as we wanted different things. Like so many of the older women here who are alone I and they want and need intimacy. I hope you are starting a new life which is very possible.

janette

4/5/2025 15:13:41

visit a good sex shop for a dildo or a dateing agency or pay for an escourt as you are too young to be waisted. don't look and life may surprise you xx

Astvt

31/12/2022 01:52:28

I had widow's fire as soon as my partner passed away. We had been separated for a month prior. I ended up going and seeing an ex 2 days after his ceremony and stayed with him for 2 days before going home. The amount of scrutiny and judgement didn't matter to me, the amount of peace and joy in such an aweful time was worth it.

Dawn

18/2/2025 03:21:11

Same…my husband died at 48 and we were married for 6 years and together for a total of 12. 3 days after he passed the flood gates open and the urge was so intense. The night of my husband’s funeral I slept with his cousin. It’s been going on for 5 months now, but he’s been pulling away every 2 months or so… I am so confused.

Steph

16/1/2023 04:53:01

I believe I have widows fire but it is ongoing. I don't remember but apparently I went after a friend of ours right after my husband passed and he hasn't left my side yet. I feel guilty but I can't be without him. I'm so confused and my heart hurts everyday. I miss my husband so very much but I've fallen for our friend also. 😭😭I wish my hubby had never left me. I miss him so much

Amy

16/1/2023 22:28:23

I have exactly the same thing. I feel terrible guilt and grief, and love and passion at the same time. I question every thought running through my head.

Mark

18/3/2023 13:43:25

I understand Amy

Janine

20/6/2023 15:16:25

I definitely have widows fire and 2 weeks ago, my feelings for my husbands best friedn shifted. We went out on Saturday night and got totally drunk and he ended up coming back to my house and we made-out. I am so flipping confused. The guilt I feel, but yet I actually enjoyed it. I don't know, this is all so confusing.

Amy

30/10/2023 03:23:15

Same. I feel so guilty. It a month after his passing. I totally LOVED my husband and am dedicated to holding his memory, but I am missing the physical touch. We only were intimate once in the last year due to his stupid cancer.

bobbyinpc

30/10/2023 14:58:03

Dear Amy,
I think the reason we are here is pardon the cliché misery loves company.
I have sought out all the help I could find . the family therapy helped the most,
because that was there for me and my child. Amy if you have a child I highly
recommend this.
The other therapist just for me helped alot but after awhile you need more than
a listener, the therapist recommended a support group but in my area there
was only one and it was in a nursing home, I tried it but made things worse .
It made me fell more depressed because they couldn't really understand my
problem because I was younger, saying things like " so you fell of the bike now
get back on" kid. This page helps me because I hear other people going through
this . I have what the therapist calls complicated grief it a rollercoaster of ups and
downs. Amy what your feeling is terrible I deal with this every day. Somdays
better than others. Amy try and let go of the guilt its not your fault. You are human.
I wish their was a way for us to talk to each other and try and lift each other up.
unfortunately this is only place I found and helping me in that I am not the only
one going though this, unfortunately I am alone. sincerely Bobby

Melissa

20/11/2023 03:44:48

Janine, I too started seeing my husband's best friend in a different light..I think it's because they are familiar to us. My situation is a little different. We started messing around and once I decided to have sex with him I kept going back for months. Not just for the intimacy and not just because it was amazing but because as long as I kept my eyes closed or he did it from behind (sorry for tmi) it was like being with my husband. The saying "cut from the same cloth" applies to EVERY ASPECT here. They are so much alike that i cried (in silence) For a moment I had my husband back...he smelled like him, felt like him, had mannerisms like him. At some.point the guilt of using him to feel, to "be with" my husband took over and I no longer see him, not like that anyways.....

Jasmine

23/1/2023 02:28:30

Steph, this friend sounds like he or she has a lot of love for both of you. It can be so difficult to navigate a new relationship while mourning the old but it can be healing too. Your love for someone else doesn’t mean you didn’t love your husband. You still do and always will. It doesn’t mean you can’t love your friend because you still love your husband. It means that love doesn’t follow a metric system. When we lose a loved one they are not replaced - your heart grows stronger and larger to hold them, the grief and your ongoing life and new loves. Think about when people have a child and then another. Love grows to hold everything new (it doesn’t shrink). And if you really consider it - would anyone who loved you, truly, ever want you to close off your heart? No. We must navigate the world with open hearts - even when those hearts are wounded. You will find great compassion for others doing this. And an open heart leads to understanding and often love. Continue to honor yourself and your husband by leaning in to all the feelings of living with your open heart. There is no black and white - only gray.

David

26/2/2023 10:43:46

I am currently seeing a widow of 9 mo's. Her husband was a wonderful person. She is pressuring me to start a long term relationship after only 9 days. I really enjoy her company. But I just want/ need a friend first. We have not had sex. She is conflicted about her desires for sex but her christian beliefs say no. I am perfectly fine not having sex. I want her to know me as a true friend first. I do not want to rush her grieving process in any way I am afraid she is trying to rush our relationship because of her age(45). Or she desires sex but her beliefs dictate married first. All I know is she is a wonderful person and I care for her. I also didn't join a dating site to hook up quickly. I need a friend first. I need to know we know each other better. I grieved 12 years before I dated anyone. And I am not a widow. My partner and I simply separated. My new partner was married over twenty years and is already to proceed towards marriage. We also vary greatly concerning our religious beliefs but she doesn't seem to care. I want to be a good friend. Is there any way I can say we need to slow down because I fear she is still hurting deeply without hurting her? I know I wrote a lot. I just don't know who or where I can talk about this.

Allison

1/5/2023 18:13:08

Very well said Jasmine.

Jade Bushell-Murray

26/8/2023 22:44:24

What a great answer! I lost my hubby 7 months ago and now I know why I act the way do. I am addicted to turn men on by performing intimate acts with myself. Not interested in intercourse with the men. Just watching me. Felt so ashamed and awful yet confident and eased the pain of missing him so very much. Thank you for your comment. I feel a whole lot better now.

D’Von

17/11/2023 22:56:54

I am newly widowed after 42 years. The stories and comments I’ve read so far have been very comforting.

Eva Henriquez

26/1/2023 22:37:59

I met someone a month a half after my spouse passed away January 2022. I still feel guilt for it because I told myself and others, it would ve awhile until I get back into a relationship. Then this guy showed up. I still smile and blush when I see him. March 2022 will be 1 year for us. But not a days goes by that I dont think about my husband. Always will.. I love him with my whole heart still..

Cindy Vinoski

7/5/2023 23:25:35

I am 74 and renewed an acquaintance of 40 years who lost his wife the year prior. He came to console and comfort me but found he was still grieving also and over the last 5 months we have become a support system for one another and are find great consolation in each other along with the companionship at meals, watching TV listening to music, or just having conversations on the phone. We both agree that we are now much better off than at the beginning. A sorrow shared is a sorry divided.

Gina

3/6/2023 08:03:42

I found someone one new after 5 1/2 months and feel I can love them both I smile every time I see him. He is such a gentlemen he tells me how ever I need to grieve it is ok with him.

Aimée

3/2/2023 21:07:43

I have a very similar situation. Nothing has happened yet but we talk about it a lot. And actually I just want my husband back.

Mark

18/3/2023 15:57:02

My wife Aimee passed away in November of 2022 I miss her immensely and struggle. Every day without her I’m 52 and hate being lonely but I know no one can replace her death of a spouse is so frustrating

Ali

28/3/2023 17:19:42

I am soooo glad I have found out that this isn't uncommon. I have felt so bad about my desire for intimacy. I lost my husband in Sept 2022 to a 21 month battle of several health issues. My "fire" was awakened after only 3 months and continues but I'm struggling with the guilt. I'm 52 and want to 'live".

Janette

4/5/2025 15:20:49

thankyou from me but I'm sure your frankness will be very very reasuring/helpfull to many to many xx

Samantha

22/3/2023 03:32:16

Don’t feel bad at least it’s not your brother-in-law that has a wife… Unfortunately, both of us have linked into grief sex for our loved one… As our healing

Fredrick

30/4/2023 17:13:20

I'm up for anything

Emma

3/10/2023 20:36:05

I lost my husband in September… it’s barely been a month. Your post resonated with me. My husbands best friend has been a rock but he confessed he loved me and has done for a while. One thing led to another . The whole thing has ignited into this uncontrollable urge and as described…. Like a fire in the stomach. It’s awful, confusing, sad. Worse of all… it’s guilt. These feelings are so cruel.

Maureen

8/1/2024 20:23:26

Hi Emma, I too lost my partner of 30 yesterday in September. We hadn't had a sexual relationship for a long while due to his ill health. Now 4 months into my grieving I find myself longing for a sexual relationship with my neighbour, he's a single man and often helped me with my partner. I haven't approached him only in friendship, I'm now scared I will being a relationship with him, I know he would respond. I am hoping for more time to assess my feelings. I understand the longing you have experienced and hope things work out for you. Don't feel guilty Emma, take comfort and to share some love with your friend in a time of need can only be a positive thing.

Rico

12/9/2024 04:01:17

Pray for God’s direction

Theresa Martina-Zike

4/11/2023 02:12:50

You love one one way and the other the other way. They both love you and you live them both. I envy you to have made a connection with them. And I’m sure your husband wouldn’t want all alone.

Donna Langle

22/1/2023 01:34:09

After it was all over, 5 years since my hubby died I wonder if getting involved isn’t part of denial part of grief. My mind says never again, but I sure think of having a boyfriend sometimes. Hard to be solo all the time.

bobby

17/10/2023 02:18:04

Hello Donna, I totally understand two years for me , I lost my wife my friend and my love in one day without a warning. A terrible tragedy of complicated grief after a year of therapy dr says I am doing great . I thought I would be better by now. But suddenly I am having dreams of my wife and its hurts so bad to have a great dream and is the worst to wake up and be alone .

CAMARA

17/10/2023 04:48:42

Bobby, I earned my Master's in Transpersonal Psychology which, if you aren't familiar, is a branch of psychology that focuses on exploring human experiences that go beyond the individual's ego or sense of self. This includes the understanding of clairvoyance, precognition, telepathy and premonitions. Like you, I am a grieving widower, losing my wife a little over 5 months ago. There are days I feel like I can take on the world and then others that take my breath away with sorrow. But, this post is not about me. Under your comment about having dreams of your wife that lift your spirit only to wake up to realize it was only a dream. But, might I offer a different perspective. Our loved ones want us to heal and live productive lives on earth. So, they may come to usinI many different ways, none short of our dreams to inspire us to push forward or share in memories that warm our hearts or give us whatever is needed at the time. In visiting you in your dreams, because of her love for you that will NEVER go away, you wife takes that moment to help sooth your sorrow, as you have already expressed is exactly what she does. I realize grief is HORRIBLE and being a griever is the worst club to me a member of, but may I encourage you to hold onto those dreams when your wife comes to you. That's her way of reaching out and those moments have meaning only you can truly understand. Good luck and I hope those dreams continue to lift your spirits and sooth your heart. Best, Camara

Jim link

17/10/2023 23:09:00

I feel bad for you Bobby I know how it is. Lost my wife of 44 years with barely any notice due to covid. Coming up on two years right now. I had had one lady friend for 3 months and then she said she was done. We did not have sex. I will be 72 years old next week, I'm a Christian and just so lonely. You know at this age I think what's the big deal about sex. We'll probably both be lucky to be able to do it ha. Sex is about 20% of what I'm wanting. I just need the closeness and holding someone tight for a very long time.

Nathan

2/3/2024 19:36:16

And I believed it was only me!!!

Stella Contreras

24/2/2025 16:33:34

I believed it was only me also. I lost my husband of 30 1/2 years to pancreatic cancer. He passed away November of 2023. He was only 60 years old. I was 59. I am handicapped and wheelchair bound, he always took care of me. I am independent and self sufficient. However, I don't see anyone being interested in me. This "FIRE" is overwhelming. I just want sex. I thought something was severely wrong with. I kept praying for God to help me understand. Finally, I googled it, LOL. Thank you all for sharing your story.

Jasmine

23/1/2023 02:16:25

I became a 36 year old widow unexpectedly one day after my husband died of aortic dissection. No illness. No preparation. One day we were living a beautiful and fulfilling life and the and in an instant it was over. I have two kids. The shock, pain, grief and PTSD was overwhelming. I didn’t sleep for more than an hour a day for the first three months. Over 14 months later and I still don’t sleep beyond four hours a day. But as this article suggests I didn’t sleep until after taking a lover. I used to cry when my therapist would hug me at the end of my twice weekly sessions. I started taking to an ex from 20 years ago that had always stayed in contact and he provided me with a lot of emotional support. He stayed up until 3am and 4am on the phone talking to me everyday and night. With great trepidation I asked him to become my lover with a lot of ground rules. I discussed my needs so transparently and openly - like I had never done in my life before. Perhaps it was widows fire but also grief. There was no point - I thought - in not taking the risk to ask for exactly what I needed because living was so painful already. Please know before beginning this journey, I talked to a trusted family member, another widow, and a therapist to be sure I was staying safe. Their reassurance was so appreciated. I found that this was more common than I imagined and it could be healing. I asked my ex to performed several rituals (tests) to be sure he would be compassionate without compromising my grieving process. These were simple things like talking to safe people in his life to be sure he was considering this clearly, meeting at least three times without sexual contact to be sure I felt physically safe. An STD test. And some thoughtful discussions. Finally setting some boundaries and even writing each other letters about our motives for doing this to read when we would “uncouple” to hopefully maintain the long friendship we still had. Our physical intimacy coupled with his emotional support helped me survive. We did cross boundaries I originally set up. This was the downside and there were some difficulties and complicated feelings. We also found there was a lot of love still there from years ago. I have struggled with becoming a couple and other people’s opinions but grief stripped away all that’s really unimportant. I loved my husband and love him still and I love my boyfriend and that he understands my grief. For those who may be in this place - setting boundaries and being safe can be very helpful. Someone who understands your grief is very important. I leaned in to all I was feeling (good and bad) and had guidance from a therapist. This helped immensely.

Christina

3/2/2023 04:02:58

I became a 36 year old widow unexpectedly with two kids. I felt like you were describing me at first. I’m almost 7 months in and still don’t know cause of death but my husband and I had a really good sex life and I miss it.

Jasmine

6/4/2023 17:11:31

Hi Christina, I'm so glad that my story resonated with you. Sometimes I feel the more I share my story the more I am able to take the journey towards healing. I don't want Tom to be forgotten and often I feel I live as two people inside one body. I carry him with me. Perhaps being married and together for nearly all of our adults lives creates this new reality. For a long time, I have not been certain that my actions, preferences or even tastes are solely my own or somehow comingled with his. Moving forward being the only direction available to us widows, I'm now at the point where I'm searching to find a meaning for this new life. You are not alone - for whatever peace may bring you - you are not alone.

Precious

14/8/2023 21:37:39

I became a widow at the age of 30 we have to most amazing beautiful daughters...it's been a year already but it feels like I am still re- living everything that happened when he was ill ...yes I do sometimes feel the need for sex and I have told myself that I am never going to fall for someone else cause the pain I feel and still feel I don't think anyone can handle so with regards to the sexual feelings I use sex toys and I am doing just fine with them I don't want to complicate my life and of my kids maybe this is what the lord has intended for me to be alone

C.K.

11/9/2023 04:29:22

Christina,
it seems to have been a while since your post, so I hope you have felt progress. I was so happy to read yours and the other posts here, also feeling like there was something wrong with me for missing the wonderful sex life my wife and I shared for our 10 year marriage. I adored her. That combined with my concern for safety and self-respect I’ve resisted seeking out a sexual partner, as I move into a little over 4 months since my beloved’s passing. But I miss making love to my wife immensely and the safe and sacred bond we shared. Thx fir sharing. Best, C.K.

Allison

1/5/2023 18:18:44

Oh how I wish I could do this. I've tried and unfortunately he has fallen madly in love with me.

M.J.

3/7/2023 13:48:05

I just wanted to say I can relate to your story. I lost my beautiful wife of 35 years (35 as a couple) to aortic dissection just over a year ago. Holding her hand one minute at the hospital then watching them try to resuscitate her the next. Complete state of shock,like I’d bee ripped in two.She was our family’s anchor,myself and 3 kids were devastated,still struggling. The sleep disturbances,problems eating, depression, anger and just going through the motions. Feeling guilty over desires. Finally feel like I’m ready to live again, been talking to a new friend,very casual but makes me feel hope again.
Wishing you well on this journey.

Kathy

17/4/2025 09:00:07

My late spouse was disabled for 12 of our 13 years. Sex and most intimacy was gone over 10 years before his death. I was faithful and cared for him until he passed in our home. After 9 months, thought I was ready, joined dating site and was scammed. by a criminal. After hiring an attorney,, two hour interview with the FBI, and my bank closed all accounts since they could not prosecute me, a colleague from work became my lover over the next four years. This one a moral issue for me since he is married. His wife thinks it's ok for him to sleep in a separate bedroom and not touch her husband three years before we became lovers.

I'm 71, finally met a nice guy on dating site. He is 82. He. feels we are not sinning since coitus hasn't occurred. Been dating four months now, but he refuses to try Cialis or Viagra but has spent a lot of money on line for some ED pills or some topical spray. I've stopped my visits to his home since I do want to have coitus again. I believe a committed relationship that is fulfilling to both partners is essential. We are both widowed.

Louis

19/10/2023 18:17:53

Hi, Im a guy and just wanted to say that it would have been so nice to just give you a long hug and hold you for a few hours. I feel so helpless reading your letter and that goes against any decent man's instincts and desires to give protection and provision.

Janette

4/5/2025 15:28:28

Hi Louis many thanks for your comment. I sure thay have helped many to know there are chaps to help them xx

Sally

16/2/2023 12:33:29

I first experienced this a year and a half after my husband died. It was like some kind of light switch one off. I can't sleep I can't concentrate I couldn't do anything. I started masturbating every morning just to be able to get through the day but that wasn't enough understand these feelings I didn't want these feelings I didn't know what to do with these feelings.
So I went online and started dating. It was very scary I didn't want any intimacy I was afraid to hold hands or have some but I'm around me or to have any feelings for me I just didn't know what else to do. Took me a long time probably another 6 months. But I was like I just needed to get past and I just needed to sleep with someone and get these feelings out so I could get on with my life.
It's been a year now and it's better but it's not gone. I did get involved with a man. We had a relationship I fell in love. I didn't want to. I didn't mean to. And it never gave me enough of what I needed and after several months I knew I wanted to end it but I didn't know how. I never broken up with someone I loved. I had a few relationships sort of before my husband but nothing serious. I was with my husband for 35 years and faithful the entire time I didn't know how to break up with someone. I kept hoping it would be different but it never was. I found someone else just for sex I still had the strong desires. I still do. Different than I ever have in my entire life up until now. Eventually I told the guy I was seeing about it. I've heard him very very bad. I feel responsible for that. I'm not sure what I feel about what I've done or what I need but I know I'm not ready for a serious relationship yet and I shouldn't have gotten into one.
Tomorrow is the anniversary of my husband's passing. I miss him so much. I'm still so messed up. Don't know how to do this life alone

Nathan P Moran link

20/5/2023 18:36:33

I am going through the same feelings as you are and I just cannot get over it. Understand this it is okay to be confused as we don't get to practice up for this!!!

Nathan P Moran link

20/5/2023 19:22:04

What I'm trying to say is you Sally have not fully recovered if that is even possible for anybody in our situation and I'd be willing to bet that you have not thrown out his pillow out of your bed yet also it is okay to talk with me if you like

Bobby

17/10/2023 02:33:41

Dear Sally,
First I know what going through , one day at a time your words hit me in the heart.
I am tired of the pat answers all grief is different and thow in the widows fire and its terrible and not fair. No one can understand unless they have been or in my case going through it. I feel you sally sincerely Bobby

Jean

24/1/2024 00:59:41

I lost my husband March 14th 2023, he was my high school sweetheart and we had been married 49 years. Our love for each other was amazing. I still got butterflies when he came home from work or just being away. The loneliness is so hard. Two weeks ago a wonderful friend of ours text me out of the blue and wanted to stop by. It was such a sweet feeling to hear that he always thought I was a beautiful woman. And when he left he hugged me and told me he would be dreaming of me. I'm 69 and he's 62, I know he's going to want to come over again. I can't help how wonderful it felt when he held me in his arms, now I think of him all the time. I'm scared of what might happen if I keep letting him come over. I want to to thank each of you for your comments they have been a blessing.

Catherine Rohl

16/2/2023 18:38:50

I lost my husband last year. I met a fellow cyclist on my bike trail (he bikes. There every winter, so see him occasionally or daily too). I have fallen head over heels for this guy. It's only been a month since we started talking at our respective cars at the bike parking lot but he's SO sexy and kind. I don't know whether he's even interested in me or just being nice. He said he's divorced a year ago. I feel like I'm going crazy. I loved my husband so much but can't get this guy out of my head. I dream about him, try to catch up to him on the bike (can't do it, he's too fast lol), trying to lose more weight, wearing makeup again, etc. It's been all consuming. I don't know what to do. I try to stay busy but he's on my mind even then.

C.K.

11/9/2023 04:37:16

Catherine,
The unfortunate thing for us is that we KNOW what a gift love is and it’s our nature to “love” (I mean that in the form of the verb). Personally, I think there’s nothing wrong with the feelings you are having, just be honest with yourself and the other person. The best thing you can do is “be honest”. Worked in your marriage, right? Good luck.

Tammie

20/2/2023 13:12:48

I had the same about 6 months later. It was all consuming and morphed into an unhealthy cycle of trying to remember the last time we had sex before he died. I got it into my head that he might have reached out and I rejected/put it off as I was tired. I don’t think that was the case, as I would only rarely say no. But it was an unhealthy and distressing chain of thinking.
In the end, I did what a man would do - I paid for sex (after a lot of research and finding the right person, negotiating boundaries, telling only one friend so as there were some safety protocols). It worked. He ended up being lovely and good company, sex was really good, it stopped the burn and my negative cycle of thinking.
I would never do it again and I do think I was a bit crazy (grief does that) at the time, but it seems to have been the right thing at the right time and I have no regrets.

Melinda

20/2/2023 14:56:17

Thank you for this. I’m 42 and lost my 41 year old husband of 10 years in October. We had no children and it was sudden due to a heart attack. We had been together for 4 years before we got married. Although I’ve found support through my grief journey in general, this is an area where I’m beginning to struggle. 14 years of intimacy, and loving sex all of a sudden gone, and people don’t speak on it. I don’t just crave sex, but physical touch in general, so the vibrator alone for me just doesn’t do it. I’m trying to allow myself time, but thanks for putting a name to what I’m feeling. I got a massage last weekend and just someone touching me was welcome…

Catherine M Rohl

20/2/2023 19:39:09

I really wish I had people who understood what we are feeling and going through. I never knew there was such a condition like widows fire until I ended up struggling with it. No one understands. Thank you for a safe place to talk about this unknown struggle.

Thabi

1/5/2023 14:03:47

Interesting. I never knew there was a term for it but I did and believe am still craving for this intimacy. The mistake I did was to allow a friend of over 20yrs who had remained somewhat close over the years who reached out and I did feel cared for. His hugs were an enjoyable torture. I believe I ended up ‘falling’ for him even though he was at crossroads in his life - potential divorce in the works. I am pro-marriage and actually advised him to work it out but I felt hurt terribly after he ‘ghosted’ me after four months off being together. I’m at a point where I don’t think I can trust another men again. I had an awesome husband and a very healthy marriage of 14yrs. Missing him is simply an understatement.

SpecialK link

9/6/2023 20:09:18

I didn't know there was a thing called widows fire, don't know if this is my problem. All I know is my late wife of 23 yrs has left such a hole that I don't believe I will ever be the same. I miss her voice, touch, smell, her clinginess and of course sex. Our sex life was off the charts but because of her illness, those moments became few and far between. It's been almost 2 years and I would love to have someone to hug, talk with, laugh with, just be myself around. At 44, I miss the sex but as a minister, I guess that's out of the question until I remarry. Problem with that is finding someone that fits me. I'm looking but it's harder than I could have ever imagined. My dad taught me how to take care of a wife, my mom taught me how to treat a wife and my wife taught me how to love a wife. Not bragging, but I'm good at it and I miss being a husband. I'm still grieving even though I try not too, but I'm also tired of being alone.

Ash

13/6/2023 02:16:22

Wow I really feel this! My hubby passed 10/2022 he was a pastor. He had colon cancer that led him to being bed ridden for over a year. I had been missing our sex life. After reconnecting with a childhood friend that I was very much attracted to me and me to him we had sex. It’s happened 2x, I’m so ashamed but I couldn’t control myself.

Tamika

2/7/2023 09:54:47

I lost my husband 2 years ago also. It's OK to still grieve, I don't believe we'll ever stop...it jist wont be as frequent. As a minister you very well know as I do to put all our faith into God as we heal. In your single season he recreating you for a special assignment (that's how I've survived, believing that) theres purpose in everything and His plan is perfect. If God wants you to remarry one day, you'll know when she arrives. He is preparing her as well as preparing you. Please remain abstinent and not give into desires of the flesh, that is the best gift you can give. One day you will find someone who fits you! Don't settle due to being lonely.

C.K.

11/9/2023 04:41:37

Melinda,
You hit the nail on the head when you said this topic is like “taboo” and no one wants to address the elephant in the room especially when your spouse has passed young. Just know you’re not alone and I’m sure there are many more people that would share similar feelings if they were aware of this site.

Bobby

17/10/2023 02:53:46

Melinda,
Thank your post said my feelings , I found the woman of my dreams for 14 years and one morning she told me she made plans for us to go to dinner/ datenight . fate took her that morning ,terrible tragedy my life and hers destroyed . A year later and now I going through this its nice to see I am not the only one who has these feelings sincerely Bobby

Keith

20/2/2023 21:46:15

As a guy I had the same type of feelings. It just wasn’t about the sex, but the intimacy that I missed more. Just being able to lay next to someone and talk about anything, not just sex. She was the only woman I was with and married for 37 years. Now being a guy it feels like women are even more careful of who they go out with, and should be. But it’s even harder to find a woman who just wants sex without a commitment, which is ok . But eventually I’m looking for that LTR.

Ivette Padilla

26/2/2023 04:55:14

Hi there!
My husband passed away in 2020. It has been a rollercoaster of emotions for me. Being a widow at 56 was something I never expected. Reading comments from others gives me comfort.
I hope to be part of this group.

Thanks!
Ivette

Rico

12/9/2024 04:18:59

I am a 56 yrs widow, hubby passed 3 and half yrs ago and I haven’t had sex since then. I’m hoping to get someone committed to me for a possibly marriage, only then I will feel comfortable having sex without offending God as a Christian l. I long for sex, hugs and kisses but not just from any man.

Last summer I met with a guy from my home country Nigeria who attended UN UNGA program here in NY, we became friends, he invited me to bar for a drink, when he hugged me passionately I felt like I should melt into him, it felt so good. But I told myself I can’t continue with him after I found out he is married with young children in Nigeria. So we just remained friends.

I am hoping to meet someone organically.🤞🏼

Denise

15/5/2023 15:35:21

How's it going ?

Tammy

19/8/2023 13:47:00

My story is alot like yours. I lost my husband 03/03/2023. We were married 37 years as well. I know about the fire which I haven't done anything about, but what I miss most is just being held or just a passing touch. I'm 56 years old and a larger size woman and don't know the first thing about dating, because my husband is the only man i've ever been with. it's kina of scary. When I met him I was 16 and not a large girl. How do we move on.

Freedom

22/2/2023 06:57:00

Hi I lost my partner last year, in a motorcycle accident it is coming up a year next month, we have 2 sons together and had been together for nearly12years. I have just turned 30 in December, I have been going threw widows fire I didn’t even know this was a thing, it’s nice to know I’m not alone, I love my partner so much and I wish I wasn’t even going threw this. I feel crazy, people are judging me I live in a small town and we are both well known. Think you for sharing this it’s given me so much reassurance thank you.

Catherine Rohl

22/2/2023 10:29:48

Yeah, I feel like I'm going crazy with this "longing." My family really doesn't understand. They want to help but say things that don't help, like "maybe if you get a job or volunteer you'll be distracted by it" or "talk to a therapist " or " find a hobby." This desire or Widow's Fire gets so strong that even those wouldn't make a dent. My problem too is, the object of my attention is not interested in a relationship or anything else right now. They went through a divorce last year and say they are still "reeling " from that. Wish I could help take both our minds off it!

Anon

26/4/2023 10:29:30

Freedom, firstly, I’m so sorry for your loss.

I’m 31 and my fiancé died in March. About four days ago the fire started. It’s all for him though, I never ever expected to feel this way after going through something so traumatic. It is literally all consuming and I’m so torn. I am 31… will I feel like I’m cheating on him forever? I don’t want a relationship, just sex and it’s so wild to even think that this would be possible so soon afterwards it’s actually taken over my grief and numbing all the other feelings. Pedro Pascal on TikTok isn’t helping either lmao x

Ivette Padilla

26/2/2023 04:56:29

I already did

Nolee

8/3/2023 04:11:04

My husband has only been gone 17 days but I find myself already craving a little strange... We had a great marriage so I have very mixed feelings about this, especially guilt, but one of his friends has been looking out for me and I've been thinking...

Victor Moore

30/3/2023 01:24:51

My wife passed away 14 days ago and feel same way. It's been so difficult

Angela

15/4/2023 18:07:39

OMG same here. 3 weeks and I didn’t know what I’ve been experiencing the last few days is a “thing”. I’ve been hanging around with one of our single guy friends that I’ve always had a harmless crush on and I think it might be mutual. The “fire” is so strong and I don’t want to ruin a friendship by asking him to cross a line, but I actually feel we are way more compatible than I was with my fiancé. I’m trying to hold off but if anything does happen I plan to keep it a secret from friends and family for a while.

john

11/3/2023 03:58:47

. I have been a Widow for a month now . I miss the Intemacy so bad . I would feel like im cheating on her if I went out and got some strange . I dont know what to do . I just need attention badly

Denise

15/5/2023 15:38:24

How is it going ?

Theresa link

12/3/2023 07:54:10

I’m 63 and was widowed 12 years ago when my husband suicided. I have not had a lover yet even though for many years I’ve had widows fire - I managed it on my own. I’m concerned that my body very much does need sexual intercourse to remain healthy. I could be ready for that if I found a partner but am really scared to on-line date.

Joel

17/5/2023 14:51:06

Hi Theresa,
Been a widower for months , and I have missed the intimacy so much.

How are you?

Dianne

21/3/2023 13:08:47

I am a widow of three years he passed of cancer n we both had no sex desire after the numerous surgeries, chemo etc . I did not feel it was safe to have sex with all those meds in his body n he could not get an erection. I am hyper sexual so I wanted it for years . When he passed I was desperate for sex but didn’t meet with anyone till 6 months later n it was good but the love was not there so for me not what I wanted. But now three yrs later I am remarried n we have a spicy sex life it’s just plain unhealthy for me to not have sex .

Pamela

30/3/2023 14:26:36

Very informative comments, I experience all of these especially the guilty feeling if i were to do something. it's been 3 months since I lost my husband of 32 yrs and not having him here physically hurts so bad..We'd been together since he was 18 and I was 17 and married 4 years later. He passed from congestive heart failure 12/28/22.at home..The kids are adults and have their own homes. Glad I found this ,thank you

Jayne

9/7/2023 14:30:54

Your story parallels mine so closely. The ages and dates and years are so similar. I’m so thankful I found out about widow’s fire, because I thought I was falling in love with a close friend. When he’s around it’s no big deal, but when he’s gone, my desire goes crazy. I’m at a pivotal point, though, do I tell him I’m having these feelings and can he help talk me through them? Would a kiss be enough? Could we have sex with no strings attached? I’m an emotional person, so is that even possible? Oh, geez. I’m afraid of ruining a friendship, but I need it so bad, that my brain is telling me,”Yeah, you’ll be fine, just go have sex with your friend”. Do I try and talk to him about it? This is torture.

Julie

5/4/2023 06:32:15

This is not who I am... I have never acted this way, I would had never done these things! But, then again I ask myself - WHO AM I? I don't know this women anymore, a
stranger that's interviewing men!
Am I looking for Mr. Right, or Mr. Right now? I live in a fog!
I feel so screwed up, is there any help for me? I cry out to the Lord!

15 month widow of covid

bobby

17/10/2023 06:46:40

Exactly

[email protected]

1/11/2023 02:22:03

Dear Julie,
Their is help for you I just finished reading your post.
I feel safe to say everyone here is to quote you Julie " screwed up".
Some more than others, realizing your broblem is a first step.
Dealing with it is next .You mentioned the lord in your post,
don't lose your faith, or punish you self . And the question everyone
here has asked" Why did this happen " and to me? this is the most
useless question ever asked. My therapist said " Bobby if you go down
that rabit hole you might not clime out" . Oh about interviewing,
I can not encourage, or discourage on men. Mr.Right now?
isn't everyone looking for the Right Person?
You seem like a person of faith in genesis" God said it not good for the
man to be alone. No one wants to be alone or should be.
Instead of interviewing Think of it as shopping , I hope that made you laugh.
Sincerely your friend Bobby

Faye

8/4/2023 08:19:19

Omg. It's after midnight. I can't sleep. I got up to read about widow's fire again and found this site. My husband of 28 years passed a little over 6 weeks ago from ALS. I had read about widow's fire before his death and remembered that I wanted so much to have someone for sex and to hold me at night for a couple of days right after my dad passed.
With my husband, I started dreaming a couple of weeks ago about our sex life before he became ill and the desire to have sex has been increasing. Have masterbated a couple of times but that could be making it worse because the last couple of nights I've become fixated on a man in another city a hundred miles away that I saw last Friday. He helped my husband and me last fall by offering to do property management for a rental of ours as we just were swamped with the illness and issues around that. I'm a fairly young-looking 71 year old and he's 42--29 years younger than me for pete's sake. He's a year younger than my oldest son! I know this sounds wack but I think I have been mentally telegraphing him. It's happened before with another man but nothing came of it. He would invade my dreams until I learned to block him. I couldn't stop myself last night. It's a good thing this man is not close by. I just want to drive a 100 miles and go after this guy.

Faye

8/5/2023 07:11:17

So it's been just about a month since I wrote this. I want to clarify that I was with my husband for 30 years, was faithful to him. He was all I ever wanted. When I see pictures of him, the realization strikes me of how wonderful he was and how I will never have that life again.

I have had to deal with the man I speak of above mostly via telephone for business. I still think of him but I've calmed down and am more aware of the hurt I could cause another person by my fire--it can burn--and of not considering consequences. I think I would prefer him as a friend. I don't know him well plus the age difference is ridiculous. I'm sure he doesn't think of me much at all.

My husband was gone a lot for the last 6 years of our marriage even though we talked every day and he was home weekends. He had dementia for the last year and a half which drifted from fairly cognizant to out of it more and more.

So now I swing from remembering him in better and bad days to enjoying hearing from and talking to the man who is alive and present. We have a good rapport. I don't want to come across as a desperate, old woman as I now have to carve out a life for myself and pull it together. It is still confusing but I am able to reel in my thoughts as this man is very perceptive. But I still dream.

Sandy

12/8/2023 10:08:20

My husband if 29 years died in February of 2023. He was my rock. The only person I’ll ever love and trust. I’m 61 years old.
He has a nephew (10 years younger) that we were pretty close to. I never thought of him in any way but a friend. But a few months after my husband passed, he started calling and texting me to come over for drinks or just to visit. I put him off the first few times but then I thought, we’re friends. Why shouldn’t I go? So I did go see him. We talked about old times and things were very platonic. For awhile.
We started having conversations about his girlfriends and some of the conversations got quite steamy. I started looking at him in a whole new way. I wanted this man. I thought I was going crazy! I couldn’t stop thinking about him! I thought it was just me. So I kept this to myself. At least I thought I did.
One night when I went to see him, he just came out and asked if I wanted to be intimate with him. I said No no no. And he said “you can’t tell me you’ve never thought about it”. And that was the end of any denial.
I still see him several times a week and we are still good friends but with benefits.
Nobody knows about this but the 2 of us. His mother would flip out! My daughter would flip out. I think.
But sometimes I feel like I’m in love with him. But I think it’s just lust and friendship. I’m not sure.
He says he’s just as surprised as I am about all of this. But I wonder if his subconscious didn’t want this to happen. Which could be why he reached out to me to begin with.
Either way we still have a good friendship and I really don’t have any feelings of guilt. I certainly don’t regret any of this.
I’m just really happy to find out there’s a name for this and it’s actually not uncommon.
I don’t know what the future holds but I have a feeling we’ll remain friends no matter what.

Thank you for listening.

Tanya Garcia-Dibble

12/4/2023 02:07:28

My partner and I weren't officially married but we were together for 15 years. He was my soulmate, we matched each other so well it was uncanny. To us, we felt married, and we were. My husband passed away in March of last year, suddenly. He was only 43 years old, 6 years my senior. I loved him so very much we took care of each other, we were best friends. When he passed his best friend called me one day and then from that day we talked on the phone every day. He lived in another state and 4 months after my husband passed I drove to see his best friend. I didn't plan on anything to happen between us. It's just felt nice to talk to someone on a more personal level. And I missed being held at night and he filled that for me. I did feel guilty afterwards, I felt like I had cheated on my husband. He offered a place for me to stay if I wanted and I accepted, I had to get away from the city that held so many memories. My mother-in-law was not happy, and because my husband didn't have a will and we weren't officially married and the state we lived in didn't recognize common law, she took his entire estate from me. She hasn't spoken to me since, and she was mad at me for moving away. I tried to explain to her that losing Roth hurt so much more than when I lost my Mom, and she passed when I was 19. I just couldn't live in that city anymore, so I sold my house and I left. It's been a rough and tough year, but I've passed the one year mark and now I am in a relationship with my husband's best friend. We fight so much, we've broken up and gotten back together many times. And it's not his fault per se, it's all mine, I end up self sabotaging and it makes us both miserable. We do care for each other and love each other. We do our best to not go to bed angry but, I just don't know why I am acting this way. It feels like I'm losing blocks of time and every fight is a blur. I'm trying to be better but it's difficult, I don't know how much longer he will be able to take, or I but, we are holding on. It is getting better a little bit everyday.

Jack

13/4/2023 01:14:18

I had no idea that there was such a thing as "widows fire". It totally makes sense now. So many of these comments, especially from men which I find heartening, address intimacy as their main focus rather than the sex. Exactly the same with me.

My wife died 1/1/21 - OD. I waited about 6 months to start dating. Pretty much my kids idea to get me out of the house and having dinner with someone other than them. I found myself trying to make women fall in love with me. Reading many of these stories/posts it makes more sense now.

I was married for 24 1/2 years and we were together for 30. Great marriage and wonderful kids (except for the drinking herself to death thing). She was 52. I'm a year older.

I go back and forth on the LTR. I have never had a woman to my house but I've been on 150 dates and 40-50 sexually over the past 18 months. No keepers. I wish someone would break my heart (again). But I'll never give up....

Allison

1/5/2023 18:37:16

My late husband basically drank himself to death too. You sound like me... I'm in love with being in love. I miss the intimacy and companionship desperately BUT I'm trying my hardest to fall back in love with myself. Have you looked into Al-Anon meetings. I've been to them in the past and hoping to start going to some again (it's difficult for me as I live 70 miles from the nearest one).
I am 52 and my late husband was 66. I lost myself in him as many people do when in a relationship (esp. with an alcoholic). I hope you find what you are looking for.

Sonia

13/4/2023 20:27:20

I was married for 24 years didn't have sex for more than 3 years as our marriage was over long time before he got diagnosed with colon cancer. He past away 3 months ago. Graving love and intimacy that i didn't experience as I was always denied as he knew he then had control over me. I have a good friend who also lost his wife 8 months ago he takes me out to dinner and even wants us to go away on weekends but I am sacred as he is older than me and don't want to be in a controlled relationship. Were you going whose sending you messages and I am longing for proper sex i want to be desired.

Lee link

19/4/2023 14:49:30

I’m 54 and my husband and best friend passed 3 months ago. We had a fantastic intimate life almost up until he died from pancreatic cancer. I too feel this need being described here and never knew it had a name. Man it’s so comforting to know this is an actual thing. I go through each day sizing up several men I see wondering if they would be suitable. Men I know I’ll never meet. I actually have 3 men I’m speaking to socially that I know for a fact are interested in me but I’m trying to think this through logically. The thing is - the love, respect and friendship I had with my husband most likely will never be replaced. He was very well loved. Over 400 people at his service. Needless to say he is a hard act to follow. The last thing I want to do is be sorry for some impulse not resisted. And I fear I would be sorry if I had a casual night of sex with someone just to fill this void.I also don’t want to hurt anyone who may want to become close as I know I’m not ready to give myself wholly to anyone right now - maybe never again. That hard truth is something I’m not running from but praying and thinking my way through. My faith is strong and it sustains me now. When my husband started to become more ill he pointed at the crucifix that hangs on our bedroom wall and said if he can do that - then I can go through this. It inspired me then and still bolsters me now. All I know is when and if I decide to be with someone it will be someone who I care for and respect. Just don’t think any other way will work. Thank you to all those who have commented on here and showed me I’m not alone. May God bless you and keep you on your journeys.

Hasan khel link

23/4/2023 00:58:58

Comment deleted

Lee link

23/4/2023 03:54:36

You will. Believe that. Be yourself and don’t accept anything less than what you need and deserve. That’s the only way you will get what you want. It may take awhile. But hey- good things come to those who wait. Good luck to you

Lowary A Barrett

23/4/2023 17:58:30

Omg, I thought for sure something was wrong with me. As, immediately after my husband's passing I have been having this strong urge for sexual intimacy. I had to cross my legs. That only made it worse. I was feeling so damn guilty that I was having these lascivious thoughts all day everyday. I was asked my doctor if he thought I needed to be institutionalized. He laughed and said it was part of the grieving process. I have also lost the desire to eat, and can only eat yogurt. Everything else makes me sick. I am so enlightened to know there really is a name for my feelings. I am glad I ran across this site. Thank you.

Evey Waldo

28/11/2023 13:23:15

I could have written this. Right down to eating almost nothing but yogurt. And crossing my legs. I am so glad I googled about all this fire I’m feeling and found out I’m not alone. My husband died two months after his cancer diagnosis — and I was his 24-hour caregiver. We were companions but more like siblings for most of our 30 year marriage. Now I am wanting most of the men I see that are younger than I am, 70! One man who is darling and funny and bright and creative and a widower sought me out. When I think of him I literally and involuntarily writhe. We had conversations at a dinner party and met for one coffee. I am obsessed with having wild sex with him. We have open plans to get together tomorrow. He’s asked for suggestions of what to do. I suspect he’d be glad to hear what I truly want.

maureen

8/1/2024 20:53:39

Hi Lowary. My partner died in September, I am also glad I found this website! I had no idea my feelings like yours are normal. I seem to want sex all the time,my feelings for a kind neighbour are having to be suppressed and it's agony. I'm worried that you say you can't eat though, this will make you ill even if the lack of sex doesn't! Please look after yourself.

Allan Stewart

26/4/2023 23:24:36

Hi I’m 54 year old Male and lost my wife 10 weeks ago with Grade 4 brain tumours she only got 3 and a half months from diagnosis . I’m definitely suffering from Widows fire we had a very active sex life but as most other guys on here are saying it’s mostly the general intimacy that I’m missing but do feel very guilty about even thinking about sex with anyone else so haven’t done anything about it yet but the fire is definitely present in fact if truth to be told I wouldn’t know where or when to start looking

Denise

15/5/2023 15:42:03

I hope.tjonhs are better for you x

Evey Waldo

28/11/2023 13:29:36

My late husband lived 2 1/2 months after his brain surgery. He died less than 3 months ago. The widow’s fire hit me this week like a major body transformation. I need to find a man (or woman) who will hold me and have wild sex with me. Preferably this week.

Sam

28/4/2023 00:39:04

6 months ago I lost my wife of 21 years - alcoholism. My heart goes out to everyone who is suffering from this type of loss. Our marriage had been strained for the last several years. I've been alone for 6 months, but lonely for much longer. I miss my friend, partner and co-parent in ways i never would have imagined. i feel so desperate sometimes for physical contact- a genuine romantic embrace, but the more I imagine it the more i see myself collapsing into an emotional heap- completely overwhelmed- and thats not good! Its not something i want to do or put anyone else through. Sadly, I know i'm not healed enough to attract the right partner. I think any woman I attract would be an attempt to fix me- and I think thats a likely doomed relationship with 1 or both of us ending up hurt. At 53, I believe I just have to do the work on myself first- but damn, grief and loneliness are a hateful pair. The thought of spending ..who knows how much longer alone...is crushing.

Allison

1/5/2023 18:50:12

I sooo know what you are going through. I am 52 and lost my husband to alcoholism just over 7 months ago. His death hasn't affected as bad as I thought it would (at least not yet?) It was the 21+ months of watching him slowly die that killed me.
I am plan on going to Al-Anon meetings soon (as soon as my schedule works better). I have attended them in the past and they have been extremely helpful.
As I have told my friends... "At this time in my life, I don't know what I want but I know what I don't want and that is I don't want to lose myself in anyone again. I need to find me and I need to fall back in love with me again".

Bill

6/6/2023 13:03:29

It's been 14 months since my wife passed unexpectedly and this comment is exactly how I feel. It is crushing and lonely.

Kelly

1/5/2023 10:28:40

My husband died 3 weeks ago suddenly and unexpectedly, so i am a 25 year old widow we had 2 kids. I found out the day after he died that he was cheating on me when away for work and i found countless dating sites where he would talk to anyone and anything looking for sex when he was away for work. The man he was with when he died was an old friend from work, we have connected and i asked him round this weekend (3 weeks since my husbands passing). We had sex and really good sex. I feel so horrible for wanting it the desire is uncontrollable i feel like a little school girl. We have no connection, nothing in common, purely just sex and affection. Why do i feel so guilty?!

Virginia link

2/5/2023 05:35:43

I'm not terrified of my demise, I'm anxious about losing friends and family.

Faye

8/5/2023 14:43:59

Put yourself first and be true to yourself. Life’s too short to worry about what others think. If they love you, they will understand and support you.

Suzanne link

7/5/2023 22:15:47

I am terriblely afraid of men, my husband passed 2-28-23. I miss him so terribly I want to die. I find I want to live and have men friends but so afraid of what is on their minds. I miss the sex my husband and I had together and I don’t know who to trust. I miss my Freddie so much & all I do is cry. I am 73 and too old to date anymore.

Faye

8/5/2023 15:12:45

You’re NOT too old to date. See my comments above. Our husband’s passed about the same time. Please know that you’ll see Freddie again but you are here and now and he is on his own journey. You have a new journey in the next chapter of your life.
I hope you find a support group, some grief counseling or something similar. I have purposely decided to force myself into an enjoyable activity once a week….lunch with a friend, going to a nursery to get flowers for the yard or even taking a walk. Take care of yourself and be gentle. It’s still So early on your new path. The more you take care of you, the better chance you will have of meeting someone healthy whether or not not it’s a romantic connection. Hang in there one little step at a time.

Denise

15/5/2023 15:31:34

Never too late x

Joel

17/5/2023 14:57:00

Hi Suzanne, it's never too late to date.
And yes it's scary out there .
I've been alone for months and it's been very hard.
Been a widower is just as hard.

Rebecca

14/5/2023 18:39:45

I am so glad I found this blog and read the comments. I am 63 years old. My husband of 43 years passed away 3 years ago after a long illness. We were teenagers when we married and we were each other's "first". Because of his illness we had not had sex for a couple of years before his death. Lots of holding and touching, but no sex. After his death I resigned myself to never having sex again. I couldn't imagine being intimate with anyone but him. Suddenly, 3 days ago, I felt like I needed sex NOW and since then I have been in a constant state of just on the edge of orgasm. It was during my search to figure out what is "wrong" with me that I found out it is Widow's Fire and very normal. I thought menopause was debilitating. This is much worse! My beliefs don't allow for sex outside of marriage. I hope this heightened libido subsides soon, or I will not be able to function.

Myridean

14/5/2023 19:58:05

Firstly, thank you so much for writing this article. This is not a topic they cover at bereavement support meetings.

My sex drive came back in a big way after 20 months my husband of nearly 31 years of love and friendship passed away. He died at the age of 49 due to a brain aneurysm a week before our 16th wedding anniversary.

I had just finished processing with some guilt associated with my husband's death and after sitting with such psychological pain that manifested physically. Then, it stopped and I felt this most overwhelming desire to have sex. I thought to myself, "This is what it must be like for an 18 year old with a raging hard-on." I was wondering if I needed to go to a new support group, Sex Addicts Anonymous. It was unbelievable!

Thankfully, with one of my hobbies about a month later, I was able to find a temporary partner who was in loveless marriage with his wife and I was able to find release with him with mutual webcamming. I fell hard but when his wife "woke up" to the possibility of losing her man to another woman, we broke up so he could mend his marriage with her.

It's been over 3 years but I'm hoping to physically connect with a really good long-time friend in six months who is also single and has developed romantic feelings for me. I feel so blessed because he's a really great guy. ^.^

Joel

17/5/2023 14:53:59

Hi .
I'm here to connect.
I've been a widower for months and I can tell how hard it is.

Joel

17/5/2023 14:54:36

Hi .
I'm here to connect.
I've been a widower for months and I can tell how hard it is.

Lynn

30/1/2025 04:08:06

Me too Joel. I lost my husband in 2021 I’d love be to connect

Lulu

15/5/2023 15:01:35

If you are a suffering from 'widows fire' please don't prey on other people's relationships. Buy a vibrator. I am angry with a woman who rings my partner for sympathy. They had history growing up. Now she is lonely and RICH she thinks she can rekindle a fire. He rings her too. I've told him straight he had better pack that in, he wouldn't stand that kind of behaviour from me, not that I would ever betray him. He says I am being childish. When I told him I will ring her myself and let her know what the time it is, he shut up. Everybody has to deal with grief one day but it's cruel and unfair to take your grieving out on other people. Women usually end up alone anyway so get used to it. If you truly loved your husband you wouldn't soil his memory by breaking up another couple. Find a single man at least.

amanda

31/10/2023 14:34:40

Agree wholeheartedly! As a widow who is going through this myself, I would NEVER want to inflict pain on another woman. What she is doing is wrong and there’s no excuse for it.

Claire

1/6/2023 17:17:21

I experienced Widow’s Fire three and a half years after my husbands death. We were married for 25 years. I have been in a mutually beneficially arrangement with a man for two months now and my friends don’t understand why we aren’t a couple! At 46 I’m amazed that my body can still react this way, especially after my husbands horrific and traumatic death (not natural). I’m absolutely, unashamedly, enjoying the teasing texts and the sex. At first I was worried as my actions have been out of character, but after some self analysis I realised that not only is what I’m going through a natural part of grief, and normal for a woman my age, but also the meds I’m on for the PTSD also increase my libido. The arrangement I have might not be conventional but I’m not having a string of one night stands, still running my own business, and raising two children. So I am going to enjoy it for as long as it lasts and when it’s over I will leave with happy memories and a smile on my face. One thing I have learnt is that there are not that many young widows and when you’ve lost a spouse to violence there is little to nobody around who can relate to your experience and therefore there is not a lot of understanding. Grieving the death of a spouse, your soulmate, your everything, is so different to the other grief I have experienced. My rule, which I invented for myself is simple; if your not harming yourself or others, and are being responsible, then follow your heart.

Sandy

14/8/2023 00:04:34

My experience is very similar to yours. Except I’m older (61) and my husband had only been gone since February.
I have a friend who is 10 years younger who I’ve been very honest with about my situation. He initiated things. Asking if we could get together for one reason or another. This (I believe ) triggered the Widow’s Fire in me. It was, and still is a flame that he cools down but it never goes out.
The part of me that died with my husband has left a huge void in my soul. This man can fill that void. Temporarily. I can’t satisfy my want for him completely. But he is a huge help right now.
Your words have helped me also. I want to thank you for that. I thought I was going crazy and that there was something wrong with me. Now I know it’s normal. Thank you.

Meme

12/6/2023 05:36:57

I'm glad there is a name for this, and I am glad that I am not the only one feeling this. I thought I was broken, more then normal. Could not figure out why I wanted to be intimate. this soon after loosing my husband I sit her weeping as I type this out. As it's only been 2 weeks and I feel terrible for wanting sex. I wish he was here. And I do not understand why I want sex at a time like this! See he had been battling cancer for 5 years and 2 weeks ago lost his battle. The last 7 months we were not intimate he just had no drive at all. And watching him suffer I also had no drive. I have no acted on these feelings, and I'm not sure I can as it all is just to soon. But my body craves it and I been bearing myself up for allowing what I was sure were shameful feelings.

Sue

7/7/2023 15:32:31

I didn’t realize there is actually a term for this but I have been going through this for the last year or so. My husband passed from a massive heart attack 26 months ago. It seems all I think about lately is sex. I have not acted on the feelings yet but have flirted with and made out with two different men which is not me. I was married 30+ years and we were very happy. I still miss my LH so much and the wanting makes me feel guilty sometimes. At least now I know it’s just another facet of grief. Very glad I found your blog!

Tricia

24/7/2023 23:14:20

I desperately need this fire to be put out. I don’t want to be like this, I loved my husband but I’m so horny I do things I’m ashamed of and my husband would be ashamed of me,

Sandy

6/8/2023 07:42:50

I was widowed for the first time when I was 21. I had 2 young children, a job working with developmentally disabled adults, and no friends in the town I lived in. I was extremely lonely and felt like I also needed some adult stimulation. I went to another town, much larger, to a bar that my husband and I had once gone to. I met a girl and her boyfriend who had some friends and made them my friends. This was 5 months after my husband passed. I invited them to my house for dinner and cards. My husband's parents happened to show up a few minutes before they arrived. They didn't come together. One of the guys showed up first, while we were out back talking. They noticed right away and gave me a look. I was so embarrassed, yet I couldn't talk to them about how I was feeling. I didn't remarry until 7 years later after one relationship that lasted 3 years. I ended up marrying a military friend of his. That marriage lasted 13 years, ending in divorce. I remarried for the third time when I was 44 yo and he was 65. He was of a different era, different manners, treated me very well, or so I thought. He passed away 2 years ago this month, and I found out so many things that he had hidden from me. We were married for 17 years. The intimacy and sex life had been pretty nonexistent for the last 10 years. Even though, I had remained faithful to him, and he to me, I believed we still loved each other. So many things hidden from me... I just didn't understand why he felt that he had to be that way. So my grief was mixed. I was so angry with him for what he withheld from me, but still love him and still miss him. I haven't had any sex with anybody since, but still have desires, just no opportunity to meet anyone who hasn't been a liar, a thief or a druggie. I'm 63. I guess I just don't see it happening anytime soon.

Nina

8/8/2023 17:31:49

I am so glad to have found this site and all these comments to see that other people go through this as well.I hope it's okay for me to share even though my girlfriend and me were not married but I experience that fire.I lost my girlfriend a little over a month ago by suicide. It was so sudden and such a shock. She never came out to her family so I couldn't even grieve surrounded by her loved ones. I miss her so much every day. But lately I have been feeling such a need for sex and intimacy. Last week I went and had a one night stand and started crying during it and felt so guilty about it. Yet I still have these needs and want the intimacy. I just want her back, want her touch but I know that's not possible. I'm scared to talk to friends about this since I'm scared of getting judged. All of these emotions are so confusing and I feel so lonely and I just want my girlfriend back. She made my life so much better and happier in such a short amount of time and I don't know if I'll ever be able to feel this way for someone again. I've never felt the kind of love I feel for her for anyone else.

17/8/2023 23:04:01

Oh my goodness that is awful. Equally so glad to have found this website and hear my feelings are not totally insane. My husband died 18 days ago there are no words to describe the loss. I can't sleep hardly and I feel like I'm thinking about sex and potential partners all the time. The practicalities of who, when, where. When there is so much more important things I need to do, being now a single parent of 2. I also realised that while we have been together for 25 years. The 4 years before we got together and I was dating, I was never alone then either. I went from one to another to another relationship. So I realise its not healthy and I realise I have a significant need to be touched and sexually active. Even if our sex life wasn't always full steam ahead, there was always the option. But now, not. So glad to be reading all these comments. Big love to you all.

Faye

14/8/2023 05:59:48

I'm so so sorry.

Karl

18/8/2023 22:55:50

I lost my wife Cheri just over a month ago. I feel like I'm such a bad person for wanting sex and some kind of caresses. Someone to hold me. I'm such a douche. I don't ever want to go through this again. So I masterbate instead.

19/8/2023 08:33:13

Karl, I'm sorry to hear about your wife. I have total empathy. My stomach clenches and I tremble any time I think about my husband., Day21 for me. I read somewhere, maybe on this site that we are craving affection and touch. So I am getting all the hugs I can and making them last way past normal hig times and I'm going to book a massage.Its either that or throw myself at the next man(or woman)who speaks to me and I don't think they'll appreciate being used let alone any fallout, as I do teach at the local secondary school!!! I keep telling myself this will pass. I know how you feel, I am bitterly sad and confused about the loss of my husband how can I be so horny. I've decided it's self preservation, it's something easier to deal with for my mind than the pain of losing him. But my god what I wouldn't do for sex right now...

Karl Taylor

20/8/2023 18:18:43

Thank you for your kind thoughts. Bless you in this time. My wife helped remind me to take my medicine for blood pressure and epilepsy now I don't have that anymore.

Rachael

19/8/2023 13:12:35

I have very recently become a wudiw ! I hate the word it's like spinister !!! The heart shattered...left with memories .
After 34years of a monogamous relationship and loved that as it was always all or nothing with me . I find myself ..single again..this is what I can not adjust too what I find scares me the most . I have seen my friends over 50 in New relationships all found on line to me that is full of scammers . I question myself my future have absolutely no one fir first time in my life to think about to care about to look after and you would think that is everyone's dream but one thing I am learning is that happiness surly has to be shared to enjoy even the simple things in life like breakfast together or smooch on the floor or walk by beach or walk in the park or a romantic dinner for two !! Life is turned upside down and it looks pretty cloudy from my eyes but in time I hope I move on either on my own as a single woman or one day in a new relationship just know allot to process

Kelly

20/8/2023 17:39:56

I’m so happy I found this because I was feeling insane for how horny I am. I’m about to masturbate for a second time today because the desire is consuming. My husband passed 2 months ago unexpected (and still unknown.) I’m 40 with 3 young kids so i definitely need to make wise decisions, so I’m very happy for my vibrator. No need to complicate things.

chocolate

22/8/2023 13:54:37

I became a widow at the age of 43 . I lost my husband of 9 years to suicide. He was the same age as me . I’m left with a 7 year old daughter . I started developing an increase in my libido the past couple of months. I’m bewildered and astonished at the same time . I feel ashamed and guilty after I self release myself. I kept thinking this is normal . Why am I being like this ? I shouldn’t be like this ! Until I came across this page . Thank you for sharing this . Now I know that I’m not an awful wife. I’m not looking for a sex partner nor a relationship. At least there’s a name to it what I’m going through.

Lowary link

23/9/2023 04:29:39

I know I have widow's fire. I lost my husband on March 23, 2023 after 41 year's of marriage. His death hit me so hard and deeply. It happened about a week after he past away. I actually had no idea what it was. The desire for sex left me thinking something was truly wrong with me. I felt so guilty, but the urge was so strong that I would cross my legs and press them so tightly trying to make the feeling go away. I honestly thought I was going crazy because the urge was so strong. I thought I would have to be institutionalized because I really felt like I was going crazy. I decided to look up my symptoms and came across the term widow's fire and started reading about it, and suddenly that light bulb went off in my head. I wasn't crazy and it wasn't that I wanted sex. I just missed the compassion and touch of my husband. I never cried so hard in my life. That urge lasted exactly one week and just like a switch it was turned off. I still get those urges every now and then, but I understand it better and have come to terms with it. I am 62 years old and it is so hard starting over again. However, I know that I have to. I still have all the beautiful memories of him and that is something that know one can take from me.

Arpie

2/10/2023 03:05:45

Like most everyone here, I've been floundering around since losing my wife of 43 years this past May of 2023. I had never heard of the term "widow's fire" until stumbling across this site and am so relieved that I am not going mad! I have been craving sex and intimacy since practically day one of my widowhood and have been wracked with guilt and confusion because of it.

Logically and physiologically I can understand it...sort of. My wife was the only sexual partner I've EVER had, and due to her illness (early onset Alzheimer's), sex had been absent from our lives for four years. However, I've also been fervently loyal and never once cheated on her at any time during our 50 year relationship, so the emotional/mental linkage to her is a part of my DNA.

So, I struggle on how to resolve this urge, this need for comfort and intimacy and NOT feel like I'm cheating on her memory and the wonderful relationship we were lucky to have nurtured. What to do?!

Donna

2/10/2023 03:41:31

I am glad I found this site. I lost my husband over a year ago. I have been trying to move on. To find someone, but feel guilty. These comments make sense to everything I have been feeling.

Lynn

6/10/2023 18:26:41

This is honestly the most comforting thing I’ve ever read. I feel less crazy after reading this article and all of your comments.

Lou

10/10/2023 06:39:00

I lost my husband of 40 years, he passed away one year ago today, I stumbled upon this thread after searching if my husband’s would judge me for having sex with another man, I had the widows fire 3 months after he died (he fought a battle with terminal liver cancer for over a year), the guilt sometimes is heavy on me but the necessity of having someone intimately is like a scream of our inner selves asking for nurturing love and passion, when he passed, the house on front of mine was for sale, I went to take care of my mom that ended up passing on January of this year, I introduced myself to my new neighbor on December and we started a friendship, he invited me to dinner and he told me he liked me and I did like him too but told him that the love for my husband was still intact, he just told me that if I ever changed my mind, he was open to be with me, I talked with him a few months ago and I told him we could give it a chance, we are not dating, I don’t want my family to know about him, so we are Friends With Benefits, he’s 8 years younger than me and we’re great as we are, he’s a vey good friend, always there for me not just for the sex but anything I need or want, I do feel guilty sometimes, I ask my husband to forgive me wherever his spirit is, I still love my husband, but I love my cuddle and sex time with my FWB and also the sex is great.

Don

10/10/2023 23:39:01

So pleased to have found this out. About 9 months after my wife died my bereavement counsellor listened to me talking about my need to touch and be touched. I didn’t feel that I should act on addressing this need. She said “you sound like you are needing permission- I give you permission “ I found someone and felt much better and happier for at least a week afterwards. As a male I also fear my body losing the ability to respond to touch if I don’t have intimacy for a long time.

18/10/2023 15:26:51

I am 51 years old. My husband was 50 years old and passed away 2 years ago. We were married 28 years Recently a man contacted me on social media then we started texting and it became flirtatious. Then I wanted to have sex with him. Never met him, a random stranger. So I met him and had sex and did this numerous times. This was so unlike me I had only ever slept with my husband. But the desire was so strong it’s all I wanted to do was have sex with him. He ended up falling in love with me. I had to break it off with him. He wanted so much more from me. But I miss the sex now. I feel the need all the time and I grieve for my husband still and I feel guilty.

bobbyinpc

19/10/2023 01:19:42

Dear C
I totally understand you I'm 53 I was with my wife 18 yrs. I just wish their was a way to talk to someone going through this thing too my daughter wants to sign me up to a dating website I am not ready for that . I just wish I could talk to someone my age thats going through this like me . sincerely Bobby

19/10/2023 02:50:33

Hi Bobby
I get wanting to talk to someone who understands. This guy said he did but there’s no way he did. He wanted me all to himself and even wanted to take my time away from my kids. I’m glad your daughter is encouraging you. But it’s hard I know.
C

bobbyinpc

19/10/2023 06:42:22

dear C,
thank you for your words of advise I am not ready to look for somone at this time and i so look forward to your messages my therapist just tells me i'm doing great. I wish their was a way to talk to you are a real help to me and no one should get in between you and your children . my children are the only thing that keeps me going I wish you could know how much your messages mean to me Bobby

19/10/2023 10:36:30

Exactly. I don’t know what would have happened to me if I wouldn’t have had my kids when he died. This guy ended up kind of creepy. Even after I broke it off he kept texting and just wouldn’t stop. Finally I guess I said the right thing the other day and he told me to have a nice life lol.

I have so many regrets though.

bobbyinpc@hotmail,com

27/10/2023 05:37:17

How are you C,
I hope you and your kids are doing ok .
bobby

27/10/2023 10:36:33

Hi Bobby
We are good
Thank you for asking, how are you?

Mick

25/10/2023 00:32:37

Thank you for that last paragraph. I was 20, and in 15+ years since, I've rarely found someone who excites me enough to want something physical. It's hard to even connect as friends with women, who think I must be starved for intimacy and pose a threat to their partners. Or guy friends who left because friendship with me makes their partners or family uneasy.

Connecting with him was never hard--just so natural and intuitive and in sync--but it takes so much work with other guys. It just feels off or awkward... I felt the fire to connect again about two years after he died, but... it's just off. I would love to feel the way that I felt again in my life, as I'm still pretty young in my 30s, but I don't want all the navigational issues and lack of intimate connection.

Kristin

31/10/2023 10:15:34

I am about 8 months out of losing my “almost fiancé”… we’ve been together since later summer 2019, Covid made us fast friends, lovers, & partners. He was amazing to me & for me. He taught me so much. I found out from his best friends & my cousin that he had picked out a ring - that’s why I say “almost”…

After 6 months, I randomly hooked up with someone. It was good for me. No strings attached. I was kind of on vacation too, so literally no attachment. The amount of guilt I felt just talking/texting someone after 3-5 months made me cry for hours. And then it just happened.

Since then, I’ve tried not to feel guilty, but I’ve had a few more experiences locally… one repeat, 2 new. Younger me wouldn’t have flinched by new partners because they were few & far between. Pre-fiancé me would be mortified… and new me is confused. I met someone I really connected with who is 53, I’m 35. We met away from our homes & did not hook up. But now we are meeting up for a concert & 2 nights of company… & I certainly hope it leads to sex. But also we’ve just connected & no one would assume his age, or mine for that matter. Yet I’m still having mixed emotions. I think it has a lot to do with the fact that I actually like this man & the others I can probably attribute to widows fire (& I say that with a lot of respect for any widow who may question me labeling myself as one… I also do not have any children). I want it to be as much fun as I’ve had with my no strings attached partners recently… I also want to be honest with him & safe. I stopped taking BC after I lost my fiancé & I feel like most men these days don’t carry condoms. Any advice?

Alicia

19/12/2023 11:01:48

Kristin, don’t play with fire. Use protection. You’re taking chances having a child through dallying. More often than not, a child without a father is so unfair.

Crstie

29/11/2023 16:14:05

I don’t know what to do, the widows, fire is so strong in me I’ve never desired sex so much in all my life I hooked up with a man that I’ve never known he approached me. I propositioned him to meet me and we had sex. He’s not the type of man I can have a relationship with because he has a past, and I have children And I’m trying to move on and find somebody else but I keep thinking about having sex with him and I want to just call him and meet up. I desire that and I don’t know what to do. I was with one person my entire life and I’m 51 years old now I’ve never felt like this before and thought about it all the time. All I wanna do is have sex and have that intimacy although I love the feeling cause I feel whole again I feel alive again it’s been over two years since my husband passed can’t get satisfied enough if anybody has any suggestions or comments, anything please help me

Stella

22/12/2023 21:10:12

So glad to know that there is a name Widows Fire! My husband of 30 years (ex for 3 months-divorced March of 2023) passed away in July 2023 due to alcohol abuse. Hence why I left:( however I loved him dearly and hoped he would sober up). I am 51, craving intimacy and feel like a hunter right now. Was intimate once with hubby during last 10+ years of marriage and just treated it like he was in an accident so mentally I was fine without touching but since his death...I am going crazy and am battling with knowing that I have something to give another relationship so to abstain but wanting to lock someone up in a bedroom right now on my terms, no questions asked! I want to touch a man, make him feel sexy and desired, so much I yearn to impart someone willing to receive...where do I run into that guy?

Chinny

20/1/2024 11:37:11

I became a widow in 2020,I didn’t have feelings until this year when I met someone though married..I feel guilty for loving him though we have not had sex but have kissed twice.

Rosie

23/2/2024 20:06:14

I lost the love of my life about a year ago. He became 19, I'm 21 now. I've always been a nymphomaniac (which means I have an abnormally high libido) and I feel really bad for having these kinds of feelings and being charmed by others so easily. I really want to stay loyal to him, just in case he might still be out there somewhere, even though I'm not religious or anything. These inappropriate feelings mess with my head and I'm afraid of making a mistake, it's getting more and more tempting. The idea of being alone for the rest of my life eats me alive, but my lover means everything to me and I wouldn't want to hurt him in case he's watching me/waiting for me. Is there anyone else who wants to stay loyal to their deceased partner but struggles with these feelings?

Sharon

9/3/2024 14:43:25

What an amazing thread. My husband died 4 years ago and it took me 3 years to want to get back out into society. I moved to Mexico the year he died wanting a fresh start. Last year became an awakening for me. All of a sudden I really wanted the company of a man. At 70 years old however the options just start what they used to be. It has been very comforting reading the comments of everyone because I truly thought that I was turning into some sort of hussy! Sometimes the desire and longing was overwhelming. Because my husband and I were married for 37 years I was out of the game for a long long time. I think the hardest part is not just working through my own issues but dealing with other people's issues which over a lifetime can really build up. I don't feel the need to get married again or even cohabitate, but the need for intimacy is overwhelming. I appreciate everybody's comments here and will continue to follow.

Beth

25/6/2024 09:59:26

I am a 72 year old widow and nursed my husband for 14 years before he passed away.
Afterwards it felt like a liberation and my fire exploded! My sexual desire came like a hurricane and I devoured men in the first year and a half. Sometimes a one-off meeting, sometimes a few times, but almost all of them could not handle my passion. Always have safe sex.
After that the fire continued, but not as intense. I have been in a casual relationship for six months now with a man aged 58 who can handle me, we are well matched. I am okay with him; full for a while, he can meet my desires because I am still very passionate. I'm afraid it won't go away.

Marie

26/9/2024 21:02:21

I can't tell you how glad I am to have found this blog. I've been thinking that something is seriously wrong with me. Six months ago I lost my husband of 18 years to alcoholism. About a month ago I started feeling this all-consuming desire for sex that burns with the fire of a thousand suns. I've been getting monthly massages just so that I could be touched, but the last time I got one I was perilously close to making a pass at my masseur. Thankfully I refrained from doing so.

Recently I've been chatting with a cute Facebook friend who is local but he is only 29. I don't look my age but I am 53. Initially I tried to discourage him because of the age difference but he was persistent and he messages me daily. We've had some great conversations...which eventually led to exchanging nudes and sexting. He said that he would like for us to date. I told him that we are at very different stages in our lives and it's too soon for me to be in another relationship anyhow. But I think we can probably make FWB work. Anything to help put out this fire. Thanks for reading.

Rick

2/12/2024 13:19:10

lost wife a yr. ago no one sense. Live in bradenton fl.

Emma

18/1/2025 18:44:49

I am so happy to have found this website...and found some answers to what I am going through. My husband passed of cancer last spring. We had been together 47 years. So much grief and sadness that continues. The confusion that I felt when my own Widow's Fire started only added to my stress. But Widow's Fire is real and now I know I'm not alone in it. It can be all consuming, the intensity beyond comprehension. And I think men have a radar for detecting this in me despite my efforts at hiding it. I have ignored their advances, except for one wonderful 35 yr old man who I have always been fond of (in a grandmotherly way LOL). Turns out he had different ideas and became a sweet but aggressive pursuer. I let it proceed to texting/sexting, to actual physical contact. I am not proud of this, and have recently cut it off with much, much regret. I am twice his age, there is no future for us, but I will count our relationship as one of the best times of my life. To have someone help me thru my desires and loneliness that was strong, physically attractive, and so loving was just exactly what I needed...and still need. I cut it off because of the part of me that knew I needed to move on with someone more appropriate in age. To my deepest regret. I've lived my life with few regrets, always true to my values, until he came along. And now, I think when I do face my own death, letting him go will be my biggest regret. We are so sadly tied to what is conventional and 'normal', that sometimes it is a curse.

Roxanne Hobbs

26/4/2025 11:02:22

My husband died 8 months ago. I have been consumed with widow’s fire for the past 3 weeks. I never felt such a need for sex before. I’m 68 and would love to have intimacy with a capable, understanding younger man.

Faye link

18/1/2025 23:43:02

Emma:
I am SO proud of you for your courage and willingness to fully be who you are. Don't let regrets steal your happiness. Yes, conventions tend to rule us but the heart wants what the heart wants and you're not hurting anyone.
I understand about the age. I'm now in my early 70s and my crush is almost 45. I Know he Likes and is Attracted to me but I feel he's afraid of what his friends, family and our business association would look like if we got together. I'm not going to chase.
I think you're Marvelous!!! Please, follow your heart. Life is short.

Faye link

3/4/2025 04:05:13

In response to Rick, thank you for your comments. My condolences to you also. I am not moving on but moving forward. Have spent a lot of time in reflection and am active in a few groups. No, I have not found anyone nor am I dating. I am appreciative of what I have.
I hope you find someone who is compatible with you.
Faye

Roxy

26/4/2025 11:13:01

Widows fire has taken over my life. Have not slept. Just joined this site.
Hope to meet a kind, understanding younger guy. I’m about to turn 68.

Roger

27/4/2025 09:15:29

I am glad I came across this site. I lost my wife of 45 years 6 month ago. My wife had been sick for a few years and when she got to the place of not being able to have sex. I was ok with it, because for some reason my libido went away at that time too. I kind of felt like it was a blessing. But after about a month the widows fire started, about the time I was finally alone in the house. I was feeling guilty about it. I thought I was going crazy. But after reading the stories, I feel much better, still horny as hell, but better. I have been going out with some women friends that I have known for years, and we have nice time at dinner, etc. But that is it. I am not sure where they stand, but for now I am grateful for the hugs and the friendship. If sex does come up that is a line which I feel I need to be invited across. I don’t want to bring it up as I don’t want to mislead anyone. I feel it will happen, when the timing and the person is right.

Tom

6/5/2025 20:21:20

I’m so glad I’ve come across this as I’ve been having an existential crisis since Saturday night.

I’m 27 years old and my wife (26) lost her battle with mental illness which left me and our two boys (5 and 2) lost. Especially me, I don’t really know who I am anymore.

It’s been six and a half months since the last time I had sex and I know that because it was my wife’s last day. The widows fire has been burning bright since about 3 months since her passing; on Saturday night I had my first one night stand with a girl I met in a club whilst our boys had a sleepover at my mums house and obviously I’ve been feeling guilty, ashamed and like I’ve disrespected the love of my life.

But I’ve really missed that human connection. I don’t know if people hold hands on a one night stands but I did and it was needed. The sex was not the bit I needed it is just the path of the course but as you can imagine it wasn’t the same. The thing I needed was the touch, kissing, dancing and some conversation that isn’t about someone’s favourite superhero or how school was (even though I do love them chats) I needed something adult to adult.

I’m not looking for anything serious because it’s far too soon for that and I’m just not interested and I’m not sure I will be. As you can tell from the start of this I’m very young to be in this position and it does make it hard because we had our lives to look forward to but now she has to live through me which is difficult but I’m trying my best and trying to not embarrass her or make a mockery of what she meant to me.

I do hope this helps someone like me, you aren’t alone and don’t feel guilty for your thoughts and feelings, as a young parent our boys come first and I take a back seat with this grief as I should but sometimes you do need to crash out whilst trying to live your life and navigate the grief.

Seven Deadly Sins of Widowhood: Lust (aka Widow's fire)

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