The Widow's Handbook: winner of the Helen Bailey Award 2022
  • Home
  • About
  • Personal stories
  • Resources
  • Other widow blogs
  • Home
  • About
  • Personal stories
  • Resources
  • Other widow blogs
Picture

Disenfranchised grief: the grief that dare not speak its name

6/10/2023

2 Comments

 
Picture
Some years ago I wrote a monologue, The Hourglass, about widowhood and disenfranchised grief. About a woman who could not tell anyone that her lodger was actually the woman she loved, and who loved her.

Disenfranchised grief or hidden grief is grief that isn't recognised by other people, because they don't see it as significant, or it is a grief that isn't or can't be made public.
 
Some widows experience disenfranchised grief when they lose a partner who is not recognised as a partner to the outside world. This could be because they were separated or divorced at the time of death, together for only a short time, or together but could not admit that they were together because of cultural or social pressures. People who are lesbian, gay, bi and in a same sex relationship, but aren't out. People who are trans, or in a relationship with a trans person, and aren't out. People who are in a poly relationship. People who are having an affair. People who lose a friend with benefits.
 
Disenfranchised grief can also be associated with losing someone when they were involved in a crime, or killed in a violent crime, who had addiction issues, who had mental health issues, or who died by suicide.
 
Coping with disenfranchised grief
People experiencing disenfranchised grief may not be able to have an involvement in a funeral or wake, and may even be excluded from any of the mourning rituals. Creating your own mourning rituals to honour their loss can help, from planting a tree, through fundraising or donating to charity, to walking in a favourite place.
 
If you have someone you can talk to, let them know how you feel. Talking to a therapist might also help.
 
Please remember
You are a widow* and are welcome here if you have lost your partner.
Young or old or somewhere in between – you are a widow.
Committed to each other for a few months, or the whole of your life – you are a widow.
Living together or living apart – you are a widow.
Going through tough times when they died – you are a widow.
Queer or straight – you are a widow.
Cis, trans, non-binary, agender, gender-expansive, gender-fluid, intersex – you are a widow.
Childless, child-free, have children or have lost children – you are a widow.
In a traditional or a non-traditional relationship - you are a widow.
Got another partner or are dating, or haven't got another partner, don't want another partner or don't want a traditional relationship – you are a widow.
Days in or decades in – you are a widow.
 
*I use 'widow' as a non-gendered term
2 Comments
Heath
29/12/2023 16:12:28

Such a good and necessary article on a topic often overlooked. I was not out to the general public (only to friends and family) and I lost my partner to suicide.When he died, I was outed at work, I could not share with a lot of people, some people I thought were friends asked me Why was I still grieving as "It;s not as if he was your wife." This made my life of the previous 30 years feel as if they were nothing and then I too felt suicidal. As I was not OUT, I could not say that I lost my partner and a lot of organizations such as the bank asked why I was the sole Executor and not his brothers?

I know that I spent some 8 months isolated in my grief, feeling that no one around me really got my pain (though I know they tried). But then I just happened to stumble on a support group and that first night, fronting up and feeling sick in my stomach, fearful of what I might hear, head spinning as a migraine was coming on, trying to be stoic and not allow any tears to flow, trying to be careful of my language, uncomfortable as a gay man who only lost his partner (not a wife) - these all dissipated on that first night and I have made friends with real, honest people. If one of us breaks down, then we just sit in silence and allow each other to feel the pain that they invariably must so as to heal. We do not try to fix or offer a tissue – We just sit in silence and allow the person to grieve.

We who have lost a partner are all Widows and Widowers. As such, our lost should be recognized and thus we may just avoid the stigma that can lead to disenfranchised grief.

Reply
Heath
22/2/2024 03:01:45

The one that I hate is when people say, "You must be lonely losing your friend." M was my confidant, friend, lover, the one who knew me the best, he was literally my life (in a lot of ways). If they have trouble accepting us as two gay men who loved each other and shared a life together for 30 years, fine, but to call him "my friend" sort of just diminishes the relationship that we shared, the intense depth of my loss, and it can often make me feel guilty for being able to love another guy. This then shuts me down even further from sharing with people. This is a good example of what is meant by Disenfranchised Grief.

How can they truly relate to my loss if he were only a friend? M was the person who I would turn to when in pain and now that he is gone, there is no one to turn or talk to. If a friend died, I at least had M to share with how I was feeling.

I do feel guilty that I didn’t pick up on the signs but as I recently said to someone, "Let’s be brutally honest, how many people really believe deep in their heart that their love one will take their own life, irrespective of what may be occurring in their life?” They had the grace to admit that they could not even envisage such becoming a reality.

Reply



Leave a Reply.

    Picture

    Author

    I was widowed at 50 when Tim, who I expected would be my happy-ever-after following a marriage break-up, died suddenly from heart failure linked to his type 2 diabetes. Though we'd known each other since our early 20s, we'd been married less than ten years. ​

    Archives

    May 2025
    April 2025
    February 2025
    October 2024
    September 2024
    August 2024
    July 2024
    June 2024
    May 2024
    April 2024
    March 2024
    February 2024
    January 2024
    December 2023
    November 2023
    October 2023
    September 2023
    August 2023
    July 2023
    June 2023
    May 2023
    April 2023
    March 2023
    February 2023
    December 2022
    November 2022
    October 2022
    September 2022
    August 2022
    July 2022
    June 2022
    May 2022
    April 2022
    March 2022
    February 2022
    January 2022
    December 2021
    November 2021
    October 2021
    September 2021
    February 2019
    February 2018

    Categories

    All
    ADHD
    Anger
    Animals
    Autumn
    Being Happy
    Birthdays
    Bonfire Night
    Brain Fog
    Breaking News
    Celebrating
    Change
    Christmas
    Clearing And Decluttering
    Competition In Grief
    Complicated Grief
    Dating
    Death Abroad
    Depression
    Disenfranchised Grief
    Eating
    Envy
    Exhaustion
    Finances
    Flashbacks
    Food & Cooking
    Forgetting Them
    Friendships
    Funerals
    Grief Attacks
    Grief Hijacking
    Grounding
    Guilt
    Halloween
    Health Anxiety
    Health & Illness
    Helen Bailey
    Holidays
    Hope
    How To Help
    International Widow's Day
    Intrusive Thoughts & Memories
    Jealousy
    LGBTQ+
    Loneliness
    Losing Who I Am
    Making Plans
    Menopause
    Milestones
    Models Of Grief
    Moving Forward
    My Story
    National Grief Awareness Day
    Neurodiversity
    New Normal
    New Year
    Nightmares
    Pain
    Physical Symptoms Of Grief
    Psychological Symptoms Of Grief
    Regret
    Sadmin
    Secondary Losses
    Second Year
    Self Care
    Seven Deadly Sins Of Widowhood
    Sex
    Six Months
    Skin Hunger
    Sleep
    Subsequent And Previous Losses
    Sudden Death
    Survivor Guilt
    The Widow's Almanac
    Things Not To Say To A Widow
    Things You Learn As A Widow
    Timeline
    Valentine's Day
    Wedding Rings
    What If
    Widow Brain
    Widowhood Effect
    Widow Humour
    Widow's Fire
    Widow's Stories
    Winter
    Work
    Writing
    You Are A Widow

    RSS Feed

Proudly powered by Weebly