Things not to say to a widow

There are things best never said to a widow…

• They are in a better place. No, the better place is here with me!
• What did they die of? If I want to tell you I will. But that's private.
• Grief is the price you pay for love. Only in daytime movies about bad things happening to good people and them overcoming adversity.
• You are so brave! No, I'm not. I'm doing what I have to in order to keep going. And are you implying I'm not grieving enough?
• You are so strong. See above.
• I don't know what I would do if it happened to me. I pray you never have to find out
• Everything happens for a reason. No, it doesn't.
• Perhaps it's better that you didn't have children. How is that a comfort? How do you know I had the choice? I might have been trying. I might have been infertile. I might just have not wanted them. Does that make my grief less?
• At least you don't have children - you can have so many holidays now. I'm sorry? Did I hear you right?
• God must have wanted them with him. But I wanted them here with me!
• God only let this happen because he knew you were strong enough to deal with it. Umm. No. Not everyone believes in the same God as you, and even if they do, that doesn't sound like a very nice version of God. And if  I'd known, I would just have been a bit weaker...
• I know exactly how you feel. My mum/dog/gerbil died, or I got divorced. Not the same. I know those things hurt. I know you are trying to help. But they are NOT the same and you don't know how I feel unless you've been here.
• Time heals. Nope. Time changes things but it doesn't heal.
• You are young. You'll find someone new. So, replacing my partner is like replacing a worn-out coat?
• You can get a new partner but I can't get a new child/sibling/cousin. Well, yes. I know. It's pants for all of us. We all lost them. But also see above.
• It's what they would have wanted. And you know that how?
• It could be worse. I loved them. They died. That took away my past, my present and my future. How could it possibly be worse?
• I miss them so much. If you are saying this to share my grief, then that does help me to know how much they were loved. But if you are saying this because you want me to comfort you, then please don't.
• Shouldn't you be getting over it by now? Oh – so there's a timetable? This is my grief, and it runs on my time. And I will always miss them.
• I think you just need to pull yourself together. See above.
• It’s a week anniversary since they died; do you feel any better? See above.
• Shouldn't you be moving on? See above. And if I do, I will move forward, not move on. It's different. I'm not moving on and leaving my memories of him behind, I'm moving forward with him in my head and my heart.
• They'd want you to be happy. I know they would. But actually I think what they would really want is to be here.
• You need to get rid of all of their stuff. I might. Or I might not. I might do it now, soon, later or never. I need to do this in my time.
• What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. What doesn't kill me hurts me, traumatises me, and can leave me barely surviving. 
• It was their time to die. Before they'd started living their best life/raising a family/having a career/writing a novel/breeding wombats with the person they loved the most? Really?
• You have such a lovely life. I'm trying to make the best of what it is now, but it was lovely (or lovelier) before. 
• Have you throught about getting a dog? No, not really. And even if I was, do you think a dog would replace them?
• I bet you miss them. Well, yes...
• Are you getting counselling? I might be or might not be, and I might not want to talk about it - and it depends whether you are being supportive in suggesting it, or just telling me that you don't want to listen, and you'd rather I spoke to a professional.
• God only takes the good ones. Really? Why  on earth would he do that? And wouldn't that mean the world is now full of really ancient horrid people?
• You are so lucky, being able to please yourself all the time. I'd rather be with my partner actually.
• You are so lucky not having to pay a mortgage any more. See above.  
• At least you can get single person council tax now. See above. And seriously?
• You've got an amazing new car - how lucky you are. See above. Also - I loved my old car, but I just can't maintain it without them, so I've had to buy a new one.
• You must be relieved that you've got their life insurance. Not everyone has life insurance. If they have, it might not cover everything. I might not want to talk about it. And don't you think I'd rather have them?
• At least you've got someone new now. Being with someone new, as lovely as they are, as happy as they make me, has nothing to do with how much I miss my dead partner. ​
• Are you keeping up with your personal hygiene? Erm... I'm just going to leave this one here...
  
  

​Don't let this put you off talking to a widow – hearing the wrong thing is better than hearing nothing at all. Tell them you care, that you are there for them (and make sure that you are - see What can I do to help?), and listen to them. Listening is often the most important part.

Worried you'll say the wrong thing? Read this awesome piece called How not to say the wrong thing.