Things not to say to a widow

18/10/2021

There are things best never said to a widow…

They are in a better place. No, the better place is here with me!
What did they die of? If I want to tell you I will. But that's private.
Grief is the price you pay for love. Only in daytime movies about bad things happening to good people and them overcoming adversity.
You are so brave! No, I'm not. I'm doing what I have to in order to keep going. And are you implying I'm not grieving enough?
You are so strong. See above.
I don't know what I would do if it happened to me. I pray you never have to find out
Everything happens for a reason. No, it doesn't.
At least you had X years together. But I wanted (X+more) years.
At least you got to have someone - not everyone does. So, I'm supposed to be grateful they died?
At least you had until death do you part, and didn't have to see them move in with someone else. Why on earth do you think they were going to move on?
Perhaps it's better that you didn't have children. How is that a comfort? How do you know I had the choice? I might have been trying. I might have been infertile. I might just have not wanted them. Does that make my grief less?
At least you don't have children - you can have so many holidays now. I'm sorry? Did I hear you right?
God must have wanted them with him/God needed them. But I wanted/needed them here with me!
God only let this happen because he knew you were strong enough to deal with it. Umm. No. Not everyone believes in the same God as you, and even if they do, that doesn't sound like a very nice version of God. And if I'd known, I would just have been a bit weaker...
It's all part of God's plan. See above.
I know exactly how you feel. My mum/dog/gerbil died, or I got divorced. Not the same. I know those things hurt. I know you are trying to help. But they are NOT the same and you don't know how I feel unless you've been here.
Time heals. Nope. Time changes things but it doesn't heal.
You don't have any luck, do you. Are you suggesting that it's my fault?
You are young. You'll find someone new. So, replacing my partner is like replacing a worn-out coat?
I hope you won't be left on the shelf now. So... I'm a jar of coffee?
This will make you a better person. Better than what?
You'll always have your memories. I know, but I'd rather have my person
You can get a new partner but I can't get a new child/sibling/cousin. Well, yes. I know. It's pants for all of us. We all lost them. But also see above.
It's what they would have wanted. And you know that how?
It could be worse. I loved them. They died. That took away my past, my present and my future. How could it possibly be worse?
I miss them so much. If you are saying this to share my grief, then that does help me to know how much they were loved. But if you are saying this because you want me to comfort you, then please don't.
Shouldn't you be getting over it by now? Oh – so there's a timetable? This is my grief, and it runs on my time. And even if I do 'get over it', I will always miss them.
I think you just need to pull yourself together. See above.
It’s a week/month since they died; do you feel any better? See above.
So - what's next for you? See above.
I expected that you would have done most of your grieving when they were diagnosed. See above.
Shouldn't you be moving on? See above. And if I do, I will move forward, not move on. It's different. I'm not moving on and leaving my memories of them behind, I'm moving forward with them in my head and my heart.
Cheer up, you're back on the market now! What?
There's a silver lining to every cloud. Really? I thought there was just rain.
Life is about chapters, and this one has closed. But it wasn't supposed to.
They'd want you to be happy. I know they would. But actually I think what they would really want is to be here.
You need to get rid of all of their stuff. I might. Or I might not. I might do it now, soon, later or never. I need to do this in my time.
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. What doesn't kill me hurts me, traumatises me, and means that I am barely surviving. It leaves me scared, scarred, bitter, resentful, overly cautious, lonely, angry, misanthropic and prone to violent fantasies, with an unhealthy knowledge of some very dark things and a sense of humour blacker than a bin liner in a coal cellar.
It was their time to die. Before they'd started living their best life/raising a family/having a career/writing a novel/breeding wombats with the person they loved the most? Really?
You have such a lovely life. I'm trying to make the best of what it is now, but it was lovely (or lovelier) before.
Have you throught about getting a dog? No, not really. And even if I was, do you think a dog would replace them?
I bet you miss them. Well, yes...
Are you getting counselling? I might be or might not be, and I might not want to talk about it - and it depends whether you are being supportive in suggesting it, or just telling me that you don't want to listen, and you'd rather I spoke to a professional.
God only takes the good ones. Really? Why on earth would he do that? And wouldn't that mean the world is now full of really ancient horrid people?
You are so lucky, being able to please yourself all the time. I'd rather be with my partner actually.
You are so lucky not having to pay a mortgage any more. See above.
At least you can get single person council tax now. See above. And seriously?
You've got an amazing new car - how lucky you are. See above. Also - I loved my old car, but I just can't maintain it without them, so I've had to buy a new one.
You must be relieved that you've got their life insurance. Not everyone has life insurance. If they have, it might not cover everything. I might not want to talk about it. And don't you think I'd rather have them?
At least you've got someone new now. Being with someone new, as lovely as they are, as happy as they make me, has nothing to do with how much I miss my dead partner. 
Are you keeping up with your personal hygiene? Erm... I'm just going to leave this one here...
[When there is an age gap between the couple] You must have been prepared; you knew they would die first. Not really, no. We are never prepared for bereavement. When we lose someone it's too soon, however old they are.

Don't let this put you off talking to a widow – hearing the wrong thing is better than hearing nothing at all. Tell them you care, that you are there for them (and make sure that you are - see What can I do to help?), and listen to them. Listening is often the most important part.

Worried you'll say the wrong thing? Read this awesome piece called How not to say the wrong thing.

20 Comments

Alice

19/10/2021 07:50:50

As a widow of 3.5 years, couldn’t agree more with all the above. Particularly the I know how you feel, my mum, dad, cat died. So not the same. Thanks for starting a blog, I wish I had, I wrote a diary, like a letter to husband instead which did help me. Anyway, onward and upward fellow merry Widow. Xx

Heather

19/10/2021 19:38:57

So accurate. If anyone tells me, now I'm a few years into widowhood and more robust about it, how lucky I am they are given short shrift and told a few truths.
I can't go to the supermarket and buy another one. Even if you view your husband as a disposable and replaceable item doesn't mean I viewed mine that way.
The morbid, grief vultures and parasites, who insist on graphic details of his death, physically and mentally repulse me. There is something *seriously* wrong with them!

Mary

26/10/2022 00:50:42

Also: "You must feel relief." Someone actually said this to me after my husband's memorial service a few weeks after he had died. He had a debilitating condition that had persisted several months, but I certainly didn't feel relief he had died, I just missed him and felt sad. I realized the speaker must have very little empathy at all, she was just playing a part.

Linda Johnson link

8/4/2023 11:23:07

I. Completely agree .. I'm sick and tired of my friends .. especially one in particular .. always saying what her and her husband are doing bla blah blah ... Oh you poor thing .. let me know if you need Anything .?? Oh please .. sickening
I would rather be with my dogs .

Linda Smith

21/11/2023 21:22:06

I so agree with all the comments on here, people do say the most bizarre things when your husband ( or wife) dies- my sister asked, on the day of my husband’s funeral, if I would be moving now! And my next door neighbour, 6 weeks after his death, asked if I was ‘over it yet’- it is now 13 years since he died, very suddenly, You don’t ‘get over it’, you just get used to it, and I miss him every day.Certain people have told me I’m ‘doing well’- no, I am doing what I have to do to keep going. As for what I call smug couples banging on about their wonderful holidays…..

Adrianna

28/6/2023 13:38:21

Its the nightmares now, 3 months have passed and I don't know where they have gone or where I have been in them....facing homelessness, genuinely no family, no friends (he was all of that and more to me), quiet private peaceful people.....now the nightmares I have, Oh God the nightmares...or as bad...waking up and for a split second thinking he is still alive.....

Jane

19/11/2023 22:12:47

Hey. My husband died too under suspicious circumstances and I have nightmares too. Sometimes I still go to grab my phone when I’m getting food to see if he wants something. 😔

Lisha

25/11/2023 19:00:33

I can very much so relate. My husband had been deceased for a month by this time. When I return to work, I remember walking toward the restroom and doubling back to my desk to get my phone. It was my lunch hour and he would always call. In a split second I realized thats a call I'll have to put in a memory. As far as people's foolish comments or conversations. I learned that people tend to say silly things because their uncomfortable with what your experiencing and they truly don't know what to say. but feel the need to say something. Forgive people before they speak and grant them Grace. Continue keeping The Father close and buried in your heart for he knows our needs and pain and knows just how to address them.

Sandra

21/7/2023 10:56:50

The worst is people asking for death details! iIt is no one’s business.And do not ever ask if you have a new man in your life

Adrianna

21/7/2023 11:15:22

I agree with you Sandra...I am literally disgusted by some of the things people say....so now I have my answers dependiing on the frame of mind I am in....thoughtless statement - " sure you are still young ( as in you'll find another man) Reply: 1. Oh I am so sorry, It must be horrible to never have experienced genuine love that just kept getting better and growing...Reply 2. My husbands body is dead. I am still in love with him and expect to be for as long as I live Reply 3. what a disgusting horrible thoughtless thing to say.... Shame on you, now F*** off Reply 4. I knew him for half my life, he was friend then after years became my best friend, then my love and husband for 14 years so get back to me when you have had that kind of relationship and they have died and you are yearning for your true love...untill then you know nothing.

Chris

27/7/2023 12:44:37

I guess I'm the only widower here.

The point that matches my experience the most is people just being there to interact with on normal daily topics. So much normalcy is lost and then there are constant reminders of my wife. Redirecting my attention away from the grief makes life without her more bearable.

I n my case I had a lot to deal with. My wife's death was unexpected and in 12 weeks she died in the hospital and with covid precautions I was not allowed to visit her. My nephew died on the same day as my wife, also unexpectedly in his sleep. My aunt passed about 3 weeks before they did. Finally my mother died 10 months later. It was a brutal year. So for me some sense of normalcy is an important base to handle/absorb all that has happened. It is also surprising which people in my family have been there for me in the hard times.

Adrianna

31/7/2023 08:50:52

Hi Cris, there is a website called widow.ie and there are men aswell as women on it from all over reaching out....just having a response can help you feel not so lost..then again every day is different isn't it....my husband died 4 months ago and I just am scraping through...I don't know how to keep going but these sites offer some sort of support....I am so VERY sorry about your wife and nephew and aunt and mother...how have you kept going.....

Rhonda

5/12/2023 04:08:59

Hi Chris. What a nightmare if it’s okay I will be keep everyone in prayer. I too lost several relatives in a very short time span. 8 to be exact my children lost all their great grandparents, two uncles, and lastly the biggest life changing impact my husband. This is has been a very painful journey and yes people
give the most awkward response mostly because they don’t know what to say. Grief is unavoidable and there is no time stamp. The hardest part is raising 3 children with out their father and the support I had from my grandparents who were very young. 69-70 some days I still find myself and total disbelief of everything. I truly wish that everyone in here sleeps a little more sound, and has some type of comfort especially during the holiday season. Prayers and best wishes to you all.

Matt

6/12/2023 17:02:55

You're not the only widower here. My fiance was killed in a car crash 3 weeks ago today on her way to work and it has been the biggest nightmare I could possibly imagine. 3 weeks ago this was unimaginable, we'd talk about death and what we'd do and so on but it was always let's change the subject.

I'm still attempting to get through the shock of it, and the pain is setting in hard. I thought this was supposed to get easier but there are reminders in every single aspect of my life. Everything is a first now. I can't sleep in our bed, I cant even go to the grocery store. I broke down into sobs in the damn popsicle aisle because she would always give me crap about the ice cream I wanted and would convince me to get the healthier option.

I'm sorry you lost your wife and im sorry to everyone on here who lost their love. Mine was a love that I searched my entire life for and we were couple goals to all of our friends. I just miss her so much.

Linda Smith

6/12/2023 17:29:56

Hi Matt,
I am so very very sorry to hear about your fiance, you must be going through all kinds of hell, and 3 weeks is no time at all. Nothing anybody says will make you feel better, and you have so much to deal with in the weeks after- it will take a long time to come to terms with such a devastating loss, and nobody would expect you to put on a brave face. From my own experience it takes at least a year, probably longer, somebody said to me it’s like great big waves crashing round you, but eventually the waves will calm down a bit and in the end the waves become a ripple. There will come a day when you can smile, even laugh, again, though at the moment you can’t imagine that will ever happen, but I promise you it will. Just be kind to yourself for the next few months, don’t try and be brave, meanwhile sending you hugs and hoping you will eventually recover.

Mirabel luv

17/10/2023 15:51:05

It not easy going through all these. I have known my husband for close 13 years and the thought of his demise and weighing me down.
I can replace him and I'm not ready to.
Anxiety and loneliness is taking the better part of me

Nina

27/10/2023 15:21:51

Here I am,a widow.A title I never wanted... I list my husband ,the love of my life ,three months ago. Even though he has been ill for a long time losing him affected me in an undescribable way . I still feel lost without him and can not find my way back to life,a new life. I have been surprised with comments from people close to me ...I did not understand why and how could they say certain things...I actually went on internet looking for suggestions about how to deal with "well meaning " people....I know people want to help and they do not know how .I feel like I distanced myself from most .I became close to a few that are widows themselves.There is only understanding,compassion and no judgement there. Most of the time I am by myself...I need time and space to process what happened and to find a new rhythm to my life . Thank you for your support through sharing .

Paul

17/11/2023 15:58:05

Thank you to the author for these insights into the challenges facing widows. One of the hurtful things that people do is to question how the partner died and worse to look for causes of his demise.. It does nothing to help the widow except revive awful memories that widows have to cope with. I time if she wants to talk about it, the best a friend can do is to be an attentive listener and show empathy. Also one has to accept that the lady's happiest memories will always be with her partner and we should accept that and not compete with him. Over time, and if circumstances allow, one can build new memories while accepting that we have a wonderful chance to help the lady heal and move forward, memories and all. Thank you

Adrianna

17/11/2023 17:09:18

I write this now as I suppose a lesson and an example of how things can turn on a penny for us and how when we give ourselves enough time and grieve and do the work and feel however we feel honestly as much as we are able to face at any given moment....that we can look back and see clearly what we have lived through, who we have lived for and the power of now living for ourselves....my relationship with my late partner/husband was anything but normal....We lived in isolation virtually for the last decade.....He came from a violent background...for a long time he lived a tortured life...he was a lot older than me....23 years.....I am 48 now...he had been sober 15/16 years before we got together, and we had been friends and became best friends....and he needed somebody who could do what I could do....he needed somebody who could love him in a non-abusive way, somebody who would not play games, somebody who was open and honest no matter how hard it was, somebody he could trust to know that acceptance and clear communication were the way forward for a different way...and so our relationship was very chaste....and that suited me with him....I had been betrayed sexually before by somebody I was in a longterm relationship with and I am the kind of person that is deeply loyal and loving, and gives freely and loves to see life grow and loves to learn from people..and so the pain of that betrayal lay me open for something on a different road......so I knew he would never betray me but I did not know the cost of such chastity...he was intent on massive spiritual development....he knew I could get him there....I knew his wisdom and years of deep hard work on himself could be shared with me and that I could learn and heal within me what I needed to heal....it was a different relationship and the truest love that I thought I could experience just maybe not a usual love....but there was love, just minimum physical interaction.....and that was actually really hard because I am like a creature of nature, I sense things deeply and to not be touched just had to be dealt with....and so it went.....and I had become so used to that way of being the thought of ever being touched by anybody became alien to me......Now it is Not! .....Now I no longer hide my pretty underwear in my drawers in my room....now I go buy them...and maybe someday, I will find kindness and passion from somebody who has no fear of a woman like me.....somebody who will understand I like being able to go where I want, when I want, somebody who does not fear my strength, somebody who knows I will respect them and them me, somebody who can see my vulnerabilities and cherish, value and guard me and I will do that for them too, somebody who will understand that I like dancing around the house and that I like walking up to the kitchen naked in the middle of the night if I need something....in fact I don't just like all these things...I love them...maybe someday somebody will love that about me...and value that and I will value them and their ways and love them as they are, no change required, no big events necessary, no big moves, just them the way they are, just love, joy, compassion, embraces........ passion, fiery and soft whatever they will be..... and so it goes.....and 5 months and 1 day after his death I heard his voice as if he was standing next to me speaking out loud in a foreign language...."Aham Asmi Parabrahman" and only that I like the beautiful images of Hindus Gods and some of their songs was I able to recognise the language....and so he achieved what he needed to and the years and help I gave made a difference to another soul and that time is over now! And My Soul has begun to Bloom, and people who come near me feel the light and Life and so do I, and 2 weeks ago the words Nil Desperandum started to pop into my head...and I have not studied Latin since I was 16 so I looked it up - Do not Despair! .....and so I won't ....instead I will allow Life to bring me to the right people, my instincts are sharpened and honed.....I will trust that whatever comes...pain or suffering or joy and freedom...it will be there and it will be mine and it will make me more...and maybe someday there will be love and courage from somebody who is Beautiful to me.........Do not Despair!

Matt

6/12/2023 17:14:44

I lost my young beautiful fiance 3 weeks ago today. Sje was killed by a distracted driver on her way to work. She was 33. We were engaged for 9 weeks exactly to the day. Our engagement was the best night of my life and one of the best nights of hers. She has 2 kids from a previous marriage who call me dad and now on top of losing my young beautiful wife, I'm dealing with the situation of trying to get rights to them.

All I keep hearing is you're so strong, she wouldn't want you to be so sad, you have to go on and be strong for those kids. This is unimaginably horrible. I want nothing more than to go sleep and just not wake up some days. Then shock of her sudden death hasn't even worn off yet and I'm already going back to work and trying to just figure out how to even function without her.

I searched my entire life for this woman and only got 2 and a half years. We were that couple, the pda couple, the couple that knew what the other was thinking, the couple that could finish each others sentences and now she's just gone. We were in the process of trying to get pregnant and now Ill never have that with her and it kills me every minute of every day.

We have a lot of friends and I have a great support system but I don't want to be alone, yet I don't want to be around people either. Believe it or not I'm not really the life of the party right now. I'm just lost.

Things not to say to a widow

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